retrospec

[His shoulders rise and then relax as he takes a deep breath before looking towards Zaveid. He sees him there, but there are no words to express what he feels right now.

Guilt.

Sadness.

Fear.

Uncertainty.

Just where does he start?

When Zaveid greets him his mouth opens and then shuts as he thinks to say some sort of greeting and instead nothing comes out as he looks back down at the table.]

I killed her. You're going to kill me.

[He takes a shaky breath.]

I'm going to become a dragon... aren't I?

[He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. He bows his head, reaching out to grab for the bottle in Isaac's hand. He doesn't want to cry, he can't let himself.

It was so much easier when he was just some guy working at a pawn shop best friends with someone who owns a different pawn shop.]

.....Yeah.

[He doesn't know what to say. He feels so hollow, so dead inside.]

She became a dragon. You turn into a dragon. There's nothing I can do to save the people I care about.

[The grip on the bottle is loose, so it's not difficult for Zaveid to grab the bottle out of Isaac's hand. He feels so empty right now as these truths just suddenly came to him. The Eizen in his visions and the Zaveid were so calm.

How?

All he can feel is panic.

What if that happened here? What would happen if he lost his mind and became a dragon here?

That terrifies him.

It terrifies him more than dying.]

There may have been nothing you could have done.

[He takes a big drink from the bottle before pulling it away. They should be careful, or else they're going to end up even worse off. Not that Zaveid can think of ways that for this to get worse.]

No. Probably not.

[He brings a hand to his forehead, rubbing at his temple.]

The more I remember, the more I wish I didn't know anything at all.

[What does he do now? What can he do?]

If something happened to you here, I... I don't know what I'd do.

[If something happened to him here...

Isaac's not dumb that he can't connect the dots. The things that Zaveid has said and with their past life and exchanging their true names. The fact that they exchanged their names in their past lives knowing that meant they were saying they'd devote to each other.

That they'd keep this promise.

They were close.

That much is clear.

It probably wouldn't be too far off to say that they loved each other.

So that combined with it all, Isaac doesn't know what to do.

Isaac McKinstry doesn't know how to do this relationship thing yet it's all he can feel falling back on right now. Zaveid is the only person who here and in his past life could depend on.

He promised.

He promised.

All these emotions, Isaac doesn't know how to deal with them. It's too much. It's overwhelming.

But he does know one thing. He doesn't want to be alone right now.]

I don't know if something will happen to me here, but... for now, I'd like you to at least stay with me.

[He takes a shaky breath as he takes the bottle of alcohol back and takes a few gulps from it.]

I don't want to be alone... if I'm allowed make that selfish request of you.

[He doesn't know what to do, doesn't think he could even put it into words if he wanted to. There's too much for Zaveid to unpack-- is there even a difference between himself and his past self, now?

Just a few months ago, he would have said no, of course not.

But now he's not so sure.]

Of course.

[He's dealt with one secret for too long, only for it to be replaced with one even worse than the last.

But Isaac is here right now. That's something, isn't it?]

Of course I'll stay.

[He sets the bottle aside, reaching out to lay a hand on Isaac's shoulder.]

[That reassurance means a lot to him. It's what he needs right now in this time of weakness. In this time where he doesn't know how to handle it and he doesn't know who to go to in an attempt to talk all of this out.

Finding out what he is and now just bad news after bad news in just a few days...

...but someone still loved him.

...there's something uplifting about that.

He's not sure how it works, but he doesn't want to think about that right now. About the logic, especially with how any and all thoughts are just swirling in his head and refusing to make sense.

No, the only thing clear is the vivid memory that keeps replaying over... and over... and over...]

Thank you.

[He places a hand over Zaveid's that's on his shoulder, almost like he's trying to reassure himself someone is there.]

[He loves Isaac. He's not sure if he can admit that out loud right now, but it's true. Maybe it's been true since before all of this started, who knows.

Whatever happens next, he doesn't know. He doesn't even care-- they'll get through this. Zaveid pulls Isaac into a guy, not moving the hand touching Isaac's shoulder.]

Yeah. Don't mention it.

[Hugs. He's not used to hugs from people that aren't his parents or his sisters. Embraces that lead to more are one thing, but hugs are different. This is a hug of comfort. A hug that says 'I'm here for you' without works.

There's no ulterior motives.

For a moment, he doesn't move, not really sure how to handle this.

Should he be the one being comforted? Or should he be comforting Zaveid?

After a moment, Isaac takes his free arm and wraps it around Zaveid loosely.]

How long have you known about all of this?

[His voice is soft, unsure, cracking, but he wants to know.

How long have people been keeping this secret from him... so he wouldn't know this pain?]

I've known about dragons and Theodora since... August, I think.

[It's only after voicing that, that Zaveid realizes just how long he's been keeping it from Isaac.]

But I only found out about you recently.

I'm sorry...

[Honestly, he's not sure what else to say here. Sorry about Theodora? Sorry Zaveid felt forced to keep this secret to keep things amiable between the two of them?

There's so much he feels he should be apologizing for just based on who he used to be.

But for now he pulls back from the embrace. Not because it's uncomfortable, but because if he stays in it any longer, he's not sure what he'll do. If he'll break down and become more vulnerable, or if he'll try to make some kind of unnecessary move that would only complicate things right now.

So back to alcohol it is. Maybe if he drinks enough, he can forget this bullshit.]

C'mon.

[He motions for Isaac to join him in sitting on the couch, sitting at a nearby table, something like that. So they don't have to continue standing awkwardly, and be able to drink more without getting too worried about injury.]

This is still so much to take in.

[He'll go to his couch as motioned, taking a few bottles of liquor with him to set on the coffee table. Um.

He'll die of liver poisoning before he dies from being a dragon, at this rate, but he doesn't care.

Or if he becomes full Malak, that shit won't even matter.

Hah...

....hahahaha.

So he falls back on the couch, practically plopping there and immediately taking a bottle of rum from the table and opening it-- and immediately starts taking a few gulps.

...good thing the bathroom is nearby in case his poor stomach can't handle this.

At least there's not tequila here to fuck everything up.

Isaac McKinstry is an adult that doesn't handle things well... apparently.

Even if this is some really fucking heavy stuff.]

[Zaveid is pretty content to sit in silence at the moment. He runs everything he's remembered through his head. There's no real way to deal with this sort of thing.

How did Sorey manage to keep it hidden for so long?

At least he knows his way around Isaac's apartment well enough for this to not be completely awkward.]

....I'm not sure I want to restore a world if it means Malakhim end up in danger because of it.

[Isaac's already starting to flush a bit and his eyes are glazing over. The alcohol is taking effect and he can feel the numbness set in.

This isn't a remedy, and he knows it, but it's a temporary solution.]

Maybe I'm the only one that... that ends up in danger. It seemed like it.

[Another gulp of alcohol.]

And I seemed okay with it. I accepted it. I want to know why. Who was this Eizen who accepted this fate? Who was the Zaveid that seemed perfectly okay in that moment to promise to kill him?

[Well, he's getting to be the reflective drunk tonight...]

Who were we, Zaveid?

You weren't the only one. Theodora, also...

[Is it strange to grieve for a woman he barely remembers?

But he grabs his own drink just the same, taking a big swig of it before he considers Isaac's question.]

I guess we have to face the fact that we weren't human. We were some sort of magical spirits, capable of affecting people around us just by existing. We all are connected to the elements-- fire, earth, wind, fire. We live incredibly long lives, and are invisible to most people.

And somehow we didn't go insane.

[He lets out a long, low sigh.]

We're basically aliens who have thought they were human the whole time.

I'd love to know how I didn't go insane. It seemed Eizen loved alcohol, so maybe that helped. He was also a pirate.

[He'd almost forgotten that part until it popped back into his mind. It's one of the first things he recalled was the fact he was a pirate. The oddest goddamned thing.]

I'm a pirate, an earth spirit, a reaper, and I'm going to become a fucking dragon.

[He almost has to laugh at this? Because as it comes out of his mouth it sounds so goddamned ridiculous. So damned ridiculous.]

But did we really think we were humans? Or did we understand what we were and became content because of it? Though I doubt I had a crew of Malakhim that ran a ship with me. Though that'd be pretty badass.

I meant us, now.

[He sighs.]

I guess I'm having trouble distinguishing between him and me now. There's no easy way to do it, now. I can even manipulate wind, now. Not enough to do much damage, but I bet I could knock over a stack of papers and really annoy some hapless office worker.

[He leans back into the couch.]

You're probably right. We were malakhim; we didn't know anything else. Honestly, it sounds like humans were probably a curiosity to us-- we don't have blood relations, so we mimic humans.

Maybe Malakhim were okay just watching and figuring people out. It would probably make meeting someone who can see you easier.

[We're going to blame Isaac's drunk ass for misinterpreting that and not the mun who was trying to respond to a tag quickly before bed... >.>;]

I'm not really sure how we're different from who we were in the past, other than we were born human. But I'll trade you wind powers for the shit happening around me now.

[Causing minor misfortune to others and he can only imagine it will get worse as time goes by. Will malevolence be a thing here? Is he just going to end up doomed? This line of thought is exactly why he's drinking...

He allows himself to lean over a bit so his head is resting on Zaveid's shoulder. At this point, he feels like it's okay to just be a giant baby for a bit who needs to be coddled.

Maybe both of them need this and can take comfort in each other. He doesn't know...]

I guess when the time comes we'll figure out what to do.

[His statement is purposely vague. When they fully become Malakhim, when they get their domains back.... when he turns into a dragon. He doesn't see how he can escape this fate here if it was his fate in their ruined world...]

[Works for me!]

Believe me, if I knew how to fix this, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Hell, I probably tried anyway.

[A self-imposed journey to look for a cure to what certainly sounds like a slow poisoning.

He closes his eyes when Isaac leans against him. How did their counterparts handle this so well? All Zaveid can feel is an existential dread welling up inside of him. What will they do? What can they do?]

One day at a time. That’s all we can do; take this one day at a time, and hope malevolence never comes here. It’s not like I’m going to be returning to our world, even if it is somehow rebuilt.

Edited (phone tags....) 2018-03-08 18:21 (UTC)

Yeah.

[There's not much hope in saying that, but he knows Zaveid is right. One day at a time is all they can do and not worry about what could potentially come.]

However, if it's unavoidable, I want you to keep your promise here.

[He knows he's putting a lot on Zaveid who's always been so kind and gentle. The Zaveid he saw in his vision seemed more put together, but maybe it had to do with their ages. They're not men in their 30s back home. They have years upon years of wisdom and experience. Maybe that has something to do with it.]

Because like I said before, becoming a dragon sounds awful. Though when I said that, I... had no idea that would happen to me. I... don't want to lose myself.

[He also hopes this domain of his doesn't come back. Not in full force. Or maybe it is in full force and the extent of it is just random broken things and locking his keys in his car.

He... can only hope.

...that's all he can do.]

[What does he even say to that?

Zaveid sighs, running a hand through his hair just to have something to do before he takes a deep drink.]

I'll try. I'm not like the Zaveid from my memories; he was a lot braver than me, though maybe that's because he was from a world where you needed to fight to survive.

[Was this past Zaveid drawn to the doomed? Was he cursed himself, destined to be alone?]

I'm going to be honest, I hope it doesn't come to that. I care about you, Isaac.

I'm not going to lie, I hope it doesn't either.

[With some drunken strength, Isaac lifts himself so he's not resting against Zaveid anymore. Though it's clear it's so he can drink some more out of his bottle. Um... is it almost gone?

Yes, it is. Oh lordy, he's going to feel this in the morning.

For now he just feels dumb, but he does feel faintly depressed.]

Care about me, huh? I guess we are kind alike family.

[Isaac, you dumbass...

No... actually, he's not. He has an inkling, but he doesn't want to read into it too much.]

As long as malevolence never comes to this world....

[He trails off, thoughtful. Is that even possible to begin with? Maybe he's just being paranoid. He sits up a little, sighing. He probably hasn't drunk as much as Isaac, but it's bound to be an unpleasant morning.

He turns to regard Isaac, somehow not raising his brows at the comment.]

Family, huh? ...Yeah, something like that.

I just wish I could remember something happy for a change, you know?

Something like that...

[He parrots the words while taking a deep breath, silent for a bit as if he's trying to recall something in his drunken mind. Happy memories.

He remembers Edna... Is that a happy memory?

But then...]

...I'm not sure if I remember anything happy. In fact, the more I remember... the more I fear I may have been an awful being.

[He's not the best human, but he's loving towards his sisters and parents. He has a few close friends that he cares for.

But he wonders if he was forced into being an awful person just due to his circumstances...]

Isaac McKinstry March 5 near Pawn Promotion
So, question for everyone. If you’re a magical being of some sort that supposedly blesses people, but you’re also known as a Reaper, what do you think that exactly means?

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god, I meant to write 'numb' not 'dumb' /)_(\