retrospec

[He doesn't know what to do, doesn't think he could even put it into words if he wanted to. There's too much for Zaveid to unpack-- is there even a difference between himself and his past self, now?

Just a few months ago, he would have said no, of course not.

But now he's not so sure.]

Of course.

[He's dealt with one secret for too long, only for it to be replaced with one even worse than the last.

But Isaac is here right now. That's something, isn't it?]

Of course I'll stay.

[He sets the bottle aside, reaching out to lay a hand on Isaac's shoulder.]

[That reassurance means a lot to him. It's what he needs right now in this time of weakness. In this time where he doesn't know how to handle it and he doesn't know who to go to in an attempt to talk all of this out.

Finding out what he is and now just bad news after bad news in just a few days...

...but someone still loved him.

...there's something uplifting about that.

He's not sure how it works, but he doesn't want to think about that right now. About the logic, especially with how any and all thoughts are just swirling in his head and refusing to make sense.

No, the only thing clear is the vivid memory that keeps replaying over... and over... and over...]

Thank you.

[He places a hand over Zaveid's that's on his shoulder, almost like he's trying to reassure himself someone is there.]

[He loves Isaac. He's not sure if he can admit that out loud right now, but it's true. Maybe it's been true since before all of this started, who knows.

Whatever happens next, he doesn't know. He doesn't even care-- they'll get through this. Zaveid pulls Isaac into a guy, not moving the hand touching Isaac's shoulder.]

Yeah. Don't mention it.

[Hugs. He's not used to hugs from people that aren't his parents or his sisters. Embraces that lead to more are one thing, but hugs are different. This is a hug of comfort. A hug that says 'I'm here for you' without works.

There's no ulterior motives.

For a moment, he doesn't move, not really sure how to handle this.

Should he be the one being comforted? Or should he be comforting Zaveid?

After a moment, Isaac takes his free arm and wraps it around Zaveid loosely.]

How long have you known about all of this?

[His voice is soft, unsure, cracking, but he wants to know.

How long have people been keeping this secret from him... so he wouldn't know this pain?]

I've known about dragons and Theodora since... August, I think.

[It's only after voicing that, that Zaveid realizes just how long he's been keeping it from Isaac.]

But I only found out about you recently.

I'm sorry...

[Honestly, he's not sure what else to say here. Sorry about Theodora? Sorry Zaveid felt forced to keep this secret to keep things amiable between the two of them?

There's so much he feels he should be apologizing for just based on who he used to be.

But for now he pulls back from the embrace. Not because it's uncomfortable, but because if he stays in it any longer, he's not sure what he'll do. If he'll break down and become more vulnerable, or if he'll try to make some kind of unnecessary move that would only complicate things right now.

So back to alcohol it is. Maybe if he drinks enough, he can forget this bullshit.]

C'mon.

[He motions for Isaac to join him in sitting on the couch, sitting at a nearby table, something like that. So they don't have to continue standing awkwardly, and be able to drink more without getting too worried about injury.]

This is still so much to take in.

[He'll go to his couch as motioned, taking a few bottles of liquor with him to set on the coffee table. Um.

He'll die of liver poisoning before he dies from being a dragon, at this rate, but he doesn't care.

Or if he becomes full Malak, that shit won't even matter.

Hah...

....hahahaha.

So he falls back on the couch, practically plopping there and immediately taking a bottle of rum from the table and opening it-- and immediately starts taking a few gulps.

...good thing the bathroom is nearby in case his poor stomach can't handle this.

At least there's not tequila here to fuck everything up.

Isaac McKinstry is an adult that doesn't handle things well... apparently.

Even if this is some really fucking heavy stuff.]

[Zaveid is pretty content to sit in silence at the moment. He runs everything he's remembered through his head. There's no real way to deal with this sort of thing.

How did Sorey manage to keep it hidden for so long?

At least he knows his way around Isaac's apartment well enough for this to not be completely awkward.]

....I'm not sure I want to restore a world if it means Malakhim end up in danger because of it.

[Isaac's already starting to flush a bit and his eyes are glazing over. The alcohol is taking effect and he can feel the numbness set in.

This isn't a remedy, and he knows it, but it's a temporary solution.]

Maybe I'm the only one that... that ends up in danger. It seemed like it.

[Another gulp of alcohol.]

And I seemed okay with it. I accepted it. I want to know why. Who was this Eizen who accepted this fate? Who was the Zaveid that seemed perfectly okay in that moment to promise to kill him?

[Well, he's getting to be the reflective drunk tonight...]

Who were we, Zaveid?

You weren't the only one. Theodora, also...

[Is it strange to grieve for a woman he barely remembers?

But he grabs his own drink just the same, taking a big swig of it before he considers Isaac's question.]

I guess we have to face the fact that we weren't human. We were some sort of magical spirits, capable of affecting people around us just by existing. We all are connected to the elements-- fire, earth, wind, fire. We live incredibly long lives, and are invisible to most people.

And somehow we didn't go insane.

[He lets out a long, low sigh.]

We're basically aliens who have thought they were human the whole time.

I'd love to know how I didn't go insane. It seemed Eizen loved alcohol, so maybe that helped. He was also a pirate.

[He'd almost forgotten that part until it popped back into his mind. It's one of the first things he recalled was the fact he was a pirate. The oddest goddamned thing.]

I'm a pirate, an earth spirit, a reaper, and I'm going to become a fucking dragon.

[He almost has to laugh at this? Because as it comes out of his mouth it sounds so goddamned ridiculous. So damned ridiculous.]

But did we really think we were humans? Or did we understand what we were and became content because of it? Though I doubt I had a crew of Malakhim that ran a ship with me. Though that'd be pretty badass.

I meant us, now.

[He sighs.]

I guess I'm having trouble distinguishing between him and me now. There's no easy way to do it, now. I can even manipulate wind, now. Not enough to do much damage, but I bet I could knock over a stack of papers and really annoy some hapless office worker.

[He leans back into the couch.]

You're probably right. We were malakhim; we didn't know anything else. Honestly, it sounds like humans were probably a curiosity to us-- we don't have blood relations, so we mimic humans.

Maybe Malakhim were okay just watching and figuring people out. It would probably make meeting someone who can see you easier.

[We're going to blame Isaac's drunk ass for misinterpreting that and not the mun who was trying to respond to a tag quickly before bed... >.>;]

I'm not really sure how we're different from who we were in the past, other than we were born human. But I'll trade you wind powers for the shit happening around me now.

[Causing minor misfortune to others and he can only imagine it will get worse as time goes by. Will malevolence be a thing here? Is he just going to end up doomed? This line of thought is exactly why he's drinking...

He allows himself to lean over a bit so his head is resting on Zaveid's shoulder. At this point, he feels like it's okay to just be a giant baby for a bit who needs to be coddled.

Maybe both of them need this and can take comfort in each other. He doesn't know...]

I guess when the time comes we'll figure out what to do.

[His statement is purposely vague. When they fully become Malakhim, when they get their domains back.... when he turns into a dragon. He doesn't see how he can escape this fate here if it was his fate in their ruined world...]

[Works for me!]

Believe me, if I knew how to fix this, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Hell, I probably tried anyway.

[A self-imposed journey to look for a cure to what certainly sounds like a slow poisoning.

He closes his eyes when Isaac leans against him. How did their counterparts handle this so well? All Zaveid can feel is an existential dread welling up inside of him. What will they do? What can they do?]

One day at a time. That’s all we can do; take this one day at a time, and hope malevolence never comes here. It’s not like I’m going to be returning to our world, even if it is somehow rebuilt.

Edited (phone tags....) 2018-03-08 18:21 (UTC)

Yeah.

[There's not much hope in saying that, but he knows Zaveid is right. One day at a time is all they can do and not worry about what could potentially come.]

However, if it's unavoidable, I want you to keep your promise here.

[He knows he's putting a lot on Zaveid who's always been so kind and gentle. The Zaveid he saw in his vision seemed more put together, but maybe it had to do with their ages. They're not men in their 30s back home. They have years upon years of wisdom and experience. Maybe that has something to do with it.]

Because like I said before, becoming a dragon sounds awful. Though when I said that, I... had no idea that would happen to me. I... don't want to lose myself.

[He also hopes this domain of his doesn't come back. Not in full force. Or maybe it is in full force and the extent of it is just random broken things and locking his keys in his car.

He... can only hope.

...that's all he can do.]

[What does he even say to that?

Zaveid sighs, running a hand through his hair just to have something to do before he takes a deep drink.]

I'll try. I'm not like the Zaveid from my memories; he was a lot braver than me, though maybe that's because he was from a world where you needed to fight to survive.

[Was this past Zaveid drawn to the doomed? Was he cursed himself, destined to be alone?]

I'm going to be honest, I hope it doesn't come to that. I care about you, Isaac.

I'm not going to lie, I hope it doesn't either.

[With some drunken strength, Isaac lifts himself so he's not resting against Zaveid anymore. Though it's clear it's so he can drink some more out of his bottle. Um... is it almost gone?

Yes, it is. Oh lordy, he's going to feel this in the morning.

For now he just feels dumb, but he does feel faintly depressed.]

Care about me, huh? I guess we are kind alike family.

[Isaac, you dumbass...

No... actually, he's not. He has an inkling, but he doesn't want to read into it too much.]

As long as malevolence never comes to this world....

[He trails off, thoughtful. Is that even possible to begin with? Maybe he's just being paranoid. He sits up a little, sighing. He probably hasn't drunk as much as Isaac, but it's bound to be an unpleasant morning.

He turns to regard Isaac, somehow not raising his brows at the comment.]

Family, huh? ...Yeah, something like that.

I just wish I could remember something happy for a change, you know?

Something like that...

[He parrots the words while taking a deep breath, silent for a bit as if he's trying to recall something in his drunken mind. Happy memories.

He remembers Edna... Is that a happy memory?

But then...]

...I'm not sure if I remember anything happy. In fact, the more I remember... the more I fear I may have been an awful being.

[He's not the best human, but he's loving towards his sisters and parents. He has a few close friends that he cares for.

But he wonders if he was forced into being an awful person just due to his circumstances...]

[Zaveid sighs. Reaching out for another drink before he thinks better of it and slumps back into the couch.]

...I think I had kids? I could tell you what they looked like, and their names. But I'm pretty sure they were human, and I don't know why I took to raising them. I kind of get the feeling it might have been something to do with Theodora, but I don't know for sure.

[Was Eizen a bad person? If he was, it didn't seem to bother Zaveid in the least, considering he willingly gave the man his name. Even if it was in the same breath he vowed to kill him.]

I guess being of a race that can live for thousands of years gave us a skewed perspective of things.

[This is what he doesn't get. Zaveid clearly loved Theodora yet... he can tell in that memory he and Eizen had a connection as well. Maybe it had something to do with the culture, but usually when you murder someone's loved one-- it doesn't end like... that.

It's all so confusing.

He doesn't get it. The more he thinks about it, the more confused he gets and the more it hurts.

Maybe it was because they were long lived.]

You would be the kind of person to adopt kids. Fits you.

[His voice is monotone and slurred. What about Eizen? He had a sister, right? He knows Eizen was obsessed with his sister, this girl who had no relation to him but they honestly looked a lot alike.

All of this... it scares him.

The more he's learning... the more he doesn't want to know.]

We're probably gonna learn more things from here on out about who we were. I... don't want to learn anymore, if I'm being honest.

Even if this Eizen was confident and collected I don't want to become him. I don't want to become someone who easily traveled with someone who called themselves the 'Lord of Calamity'.

The Lord of Calamity...

[He echos it carefully, trying to call to mind a face, anything, but fails. He just has his current knowledge, which isn't much at all.]

Who knows what his motivations were. I can't see myself ever approving of it, but at the end of the day, I still made a promise with my true name. That wasn't something the past Zaveid would have taken lightly. Obviously, he cared about Eizen.

[But he also declared his devotion to the other mere minutes after Theodora's death. Would Theodora approve? Would she have even minded at all?]

Our past, the world our past selves came from... I'll be honest, I'm not wild about any of it.

Neither am I...

[His eyes feel heavy now just due to how much he's drunken and how much all this information has emotionally taken a toll on him. Exhausted is almost too light of a word to explain how he feels.]

If we could figure out our culture, then so much more of this would make sense. We're thinking of this as humans when we shouldn't be.

[Isaac would be fighting this if he were sober, but a mental block is gone thanks to the inebriation.]

In our culture, it almost seems like we have different reasons to have close ties to one another. It's not an emotional bond, yet it is. What triggers it?

Yeah. That's probably the problem.

Malakhim are a completely different race. We're human, and as a result, we have some pretty skewed perspectives.

[But Isaac does raise a good point. He folds his hands across his chest, wishing he was more sober.]

I'm sure there's more to it than romance, but it does seem like that's a big part of it. Maybe just general devotion...

[His head tips in thought.]

Maybe, because of a lack of direct blood relationships, ...other relationships aren't really frowned upon. Malakhim can live for thousands of years, so I guess it could just be different.

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god, I meant to write 'numb' not 'dumb' /)_(\

damn you, typos!

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Isaac McKinstry March 5 near Pawn Promotion
So, question for everyone. If you’re a magical being of some sort that supposedly blesses people, but you’re also known as a Reaper, what do you think that exactly means?