002; needs better life choices, action for dorms optional

[justchords]

(the feed opens to apollo propping up the camera to stay on something steady and remain unmoving before he shifts to sit cross-legged on his bed. there's a single beer at his side, only a little more than half empty, and apollo, who has the alcohol tolerance of a wet sponge, is already more than tipsy. for those of apollo's friends who don't live at the dorms, this is probably their first time seeing him in... a while! he greets the audience with a courteous nod and a tired smile. when he speaks, his voice is noticeably quieter than his usual booming chords of steel.) Hello. I'm Apollo Justice, and I'm going to teach everyone about Abraham Lincoln's lawyer days.

(he takes another swig of his beer, making a "mmm" sound and holding up a finger.) Since the last update from Retrospec kinda pissed people off, I'm giving a fair warning, I will be swearing. Hide your kids or whatever. So! (clapping his hands and rubbing them together, he prepares himself for a law history lesson. while intoxicated.)

Back in like the... 19th century or some shit, these two dudes, McCormick and Manny, were fighting over who invented some... thing. It was a big fucking deal. (he lazily waves a pointed finger at the camera as he struggles to remember the words, occasionally slurring them together, but throughout the video, he's not hard to understand.)

So then Manny went and hired some. Super fancy Philadelphia lawyers to settle the dispute, and they were Her... Hir... Harding, Stanton, and uh... Watson. There were other lawyers, too, but nobody gives a shit about them. (apollo simply waves off the thought of them, taking another long sip of his beer as he clears his throat to continue the story.) So Harding is all "we fucking got this shit, but we don't actually got this shit, 'cause we don't know anyone in the area!" (his tone for harding is rather snooty and uppity, like apollo is mocking the higher class, and he most certainly is.) They need a local. And they pick... Lincoln! Abraham Lincoln! He was a lawyer before he was a president, and that's like the coolest fucking shit. (this is where apollo gets excited, eyes shining and all smiles. this is the shit he lives for!!!)

But these fancy ass lawyers wound up being dicks, all like: (and here is where the snooty, mocking tone of said lawyers returns, sticking his nose in the air and all.) "Look at this guy, he's all like. Tall and gangly and shit. He doesn't even have a beard. Or a hat." They were just, I mean... complete jerks. Total assholes. The kind of person you want to punch in the face. And Lincoln at this point was kinda viewed as like... like persona non grata. Not the kind of dude you'd wanna be seen around in those days, even if he wasn't actually a bad guy, people were just judgmental as shit. (his face scrunches up as he gets to this part, waving a hand roughly and practically pouting.)

Then what wound up happening is the case changed from Chicago to Cincinnati, and these huge fucking dickwads cast Lincoln aside without even telling him, and just up and left! And since poor Lincoln was never told about any of this since none of the other lawyers liked him anyway, he just kept trucking on! He res... resurge... reshush-- (apollo pauses for a moment, almost nodding off until he sits back up straight and points very confidently and says slowly:) researched. And just kept going like fuck yeah, I'm fucking involved, I'm helping people. But don't worry! (this is the first time he's actually yelled during his entire monologue, his voice raising possibly enough to disturb neighbors at that volume as even he gets taken in to his own story.)

Lincoln found out the case moved! And you bet your ass he fucking booked it over there, found the hotel where all the big, upstart, fancy schmancy lawyers were camping out. But those assholes still shit talked him, calling him an ape man and insulting his appearance, saying he's gawky and dumb looking and an ape legged man. Ape legged. Yeah. (he repeats "ape legged" a few times, as if trying to determine if that was the proper word to use. he gets caught up in this for a moment, mumbling to himself. it takes him a moment of nodding off and drunkenly muttering nonsense to remember what he was even discussing, turning back to the camera.) Whatever, assholes insult Lincoln, Lincoln stays and watches the proceedings of the trial because that shit's valuable life experience, even if the people you look up to are dicks and just ignore you.

But Lincoln was so blown away by the trial! (his arms extend far outward as if imitating an explosion, his excitement returning.) Watching the proceedings and following the arguments and battles, it was like an ephiphi... epipi-- epiphany. It like changed his life. He was so moved that when he went back to Chicago, he studied even harder, like "fuck yeah, I gotta make some serious changes and get my shit together." And then, five fucking years later, the bitch becomes president! Of the United States! How great of an underdog story is that!! (he is definitely shouting now, and at least half of the dorms should be able to hear his energetic rants about cool lawyers.) And even fucking cooler, he made Edward Stanton, like the biggest lawyer asshole ever, his Secretary of War. (following this are explosion sounds as his hands fly away from his head, trying to show of a "mind blown" sort of feeling.) Stanton at least got better, because when Lincoln died, he was actually kinda cool-like and said "now he belongs to the ages". Lincoln was one hundred percent like, "fuck yeah, that shit's dope". No lie. Lincoln said dope, pass it on.

(finally finishing off his other beer, apollo gives a hearty thumbs up to the audience, looking ready to pass out at any moment.) Moral of the story, Lincoln was fucking cool.