[text] backdated to evening of april 5th

[frostythehitman]

So, Yuri and I just went to check out the Retrospec building for ourselves. Spoilers, we found jack. But if you want to know exactly what flavor of jack, here's all the details:


First off, the whole place was wide open. Like, the front doors were totally open and there were no security guards or anything. We just walked right in like no one cared or was even in the building. Which is weird, given that it was like 4pm on a Wednesday.

[ Here's a photo of the lobby. To the side, one can make out the edge of the receptionist's desk, and shoved off to the side, a TV and some potted plants. To the other side, a small row of chairs. In the center of the photo, though, is an elevator. ]

Apparently this elevator was missing last month, but it's back now. It doesn't work--if you press the button, it just starts playing the opening lines to some guy's standup comedy show or something from the loudspeakers.

[ This time, a photo of a hallway! To those who have visited Retrospec before themselves, the hallway will look familiar, although...is it longer now? Are there more doors than before there? ]

We found a bunch of doors down this way but all of them were locked, go figure. They were also rigged with joybuzzers or something, so you got shocked every time you put your hand on the doorknob.

[ And lastly, a dedicated photo of the receptionist's desk! It's tidy, almost spotless, with nothing on the desk save for a single pink sticky note with 'Jim + Janet' written on it stuck to the table surface, and a small assortment of desk toys. There's a phone, positioned at an awkward angle on the desk. ]

Nothing useful here either. The desk is completely empty and all the drawers are locked except for the top one. And even then, there's nothing in there but some Retrospec-branded stationery. The phone's not even plugged into anything, but it rang once and when we picked up, it was some voice asking us over and over for a knock knock joke.

I didn't get photos of these, but the chairs were all rigged with whoopie cushions and the TV just plays that dumb dancing fruit Bohemian Rhapsody thing on loop.

So like I said: we found a complete load of nothing. The only April fools around here was us. The whole trip was so useless, it's almost like they were expecting us to show up.

So there you go. So much for getting any more details out of these jerks.

Comments

[youraffection]

wtf
im starting 2 believe these ppl dont even exist

[frostythehitman]

If they don't exist, then who made the dam building?

[youraffection]

maybe it was already there b4 and they decided to make it their hq to mess with ppl
like sending ppl 2 a vacant parking lot in detective shows
idk
either that or their real hq is somewhere else

[frostythehitman]

[ o shit ]

A second HQ?

You know what, that might actually be it. Retrospec might not even be American. It might be in one of those countries you only hear about when companies are doing not-technically-illegal shady stuff there.

[youraffection]

wed be so forked if thats the case
forked
freaked
omg
im so sick of this
dont they have anything better 2 do??

[frostythehitman]

I'm starting to think this is all they have to do. It's not like we've seen them ever doing anything other than mess with us.

[youraffection]

i could take some internet trolls
idk do u think theyre connected to the other weird stuff?
some ppl do
some of it makes more sense than others

[frostythehitman]

Yeah, I bet Retrospec is just a front for Anonymous, or Scientology, or the Illuminati. Or all three at once.

[youraffection]

thats like the trifecta from heck

[frostythehitman]

Well I'm pretty sure Anonymous and Scientology hate each other, so at worst we'll have to only deal with two of them.

[youraffection]

thats still a pretty shit deal
i kind of think better of the anonymous than putting up a front like this tho
its like hiring ur tech impaired relatives to run a blog

[frostythehitman]

So you think it's Scientology or the Illuminati?

[youraffection]

idk
would that mean tom cruise is coming after us...

[frostythehitman]

Why, is he in the Illuminati AND Scientology?

your username cracks me up every time, jsyk

[youraffection]

uhhh
wouldnt surprise me tbh
he might think he is anyway

I'M SO GLAD......THANK YOU......

[frostythehitman]

Oh boy, just what we need. Scientologist Illuminati. I bet the whole point of Retrospec is just Tom Cruise trying to open up some space portal to let all the god aliens in and slowly take over the planet from within.

The worst part is, that's almost believable.

[youraffection]

wth
thats
yeah
crazy but
tbh im getting ready 2 believe anything at this point
next 2 singing fruits and weird mass dreams and replacing every horse with a giant chicken y not
makes as much sense as everything else

[frostythehitman]

That's what I'm talking about.

I basically can't say anything sarcastic anymore because after the past two months, anything would make as much sense as reality. How am I supposed to make snide comments now?

[youraffection]

haha ye
wait
oh
snap
what if thats where theyre getting these ideas???

[frostythehitman]

What makes you say that?

[frostythehitman]

Did you make an offhand comment about smiling fruit?

[youraffection]

me?
no
but that doesnt mean someone else didnt right?
im just sayin the levels of ridic goin on rn r like
subreddit ridic

[frostythehitman]

Yeah well this basically is a subreddit, isn't it? It's like r/recolle except with a lot more bullshit.

I'm going to find a way to ctrl+F this stupid app and I'm going to find out if someone typed the phrase "faces on fruit" before they did that.

[youraffection]

i guess it kinda is
lmk if u do
bc that would be a crazy but useful lead on this

[frostythehitman]

Well here's hoping Retrospec was nice enough to include a ctrl+F feature in the first place. Because if they didn't, I don't have a way of figuring it out myself.