i

[androidheart]

It stings and bites
worse yet, week to week
where my Ghostly fingertips
long again for your sallow cheek

I couldn't if I dared
and I wouldn't, as I've tried
to look beyond something like "You and I"
where I could sing,
with a Broken guitar string
and a heart to match
a girl that Lied
and never looked back

I want to quit,
and yet I can't
I want to sit,
and yet I shan't
bereft of former heart and soul
take what Remains and make me Whole
held against your chest
there is nothing else Left

Comments

[youraffection]

[ Oh.

Shit. ]

r u really fine...?
or r u telling urself that and hoping ull b fine...?

[androidheart]

I don't know, Yosuke.

I have no idea.

I guess lying to myself doesn't work anymore.

private

[youraffection]

whats going on?

[androidheart]

I'm losing myself

What isn't dying but feels a lot like dying, I think that I'm dying.

[youraffection]

y do u feel like ur dying??
losing urself?
like
if u mean not literally than like who u should be?

[androidheart]

My body is changing into something not human.

[youraffection]

not human?
like what?

[androidheart]

My body parts are being replaced with machinery, Yosuke.

[youraffection]

what???
machinery???
like an android?

[androidheart]

Yes, Yosuke.

My arms are now made of metal, and the rest of me is going to follow.

[youraffection]

[ Holy shit. ]

holy shit
so
wait
that means
u saw urself as an android??
in ur memories??

[androidheart]

There's no question. It's true.

What happens when my brain is replaced with a computer?

I'm not going to be alive anymore. Not really.

Even now, nothing is the same anymore. Holding hands or taking a shower or touching something warm and soft...It all feels so empty. So numb. Soon my legs, my fingers, my lips, my mouth...

[youraffection]

[ He reads that a few times. Once, twice--really wants it to sink in. Because that's not something he would have ever thought he needed to worry about. ]

hey
im not gonna pretend that doesnt sound scary
bc it does
but
i dont know u that well but even in that time uve been one of the most
badass
inspirational ppl i know
i dont think anything can change that

[androidheart]

That's nice

But I don't care

It doesn't matter

I'm going to lose my humanity

I can be "badass" or "inspirational" but it doesn't matter. I don't want to not be human. I don't want to lose my skin and my senses and my heart and my mind and my voice and my body
I don't want this
It must be nice to have your other be some kind of normal person with special powers, what a wonderful reality that must be for most of these people––but for me, I'm on the other side of a strange, lifeless robot. Every memory I get inches me closer to the complete erasure of who I am

[youraffection]

[ This.

Really sucks. And he can't begin to understand it.

For someone who says a whole lot he's at a complete loss of WHAT to say. ]

im sorry
thats not fair

[androidheart]

No.

It's not.

And it isn't worth it anymore. I wish I didn't know about any of this. I don't care about music or singing or love or happiness anymore because I'm going to lose it all anyway. I disgust myself, and however good of a person the android that I'm becoming is, I don't really care about being any more like her, because I was happy with my life before this and now I have to forfeit everything I have ever wanted, so please Yosuke, excuse me if I am being particularly volatile, I am merely unable to contain how much I wish I could wake up from the nightmare I'm now living in.

[youraffection]

no
i
if i say i get it i really dont so i know i shouldnt
ur right
ur totally right
ive seen things that make me upset about who i might have been or shit that happened
but at the end of the day i still see me
4 better or 4 worse
so...
ur right
i wish i knew what 2 say
but i also get the feeling theres nothing i could say that would help
im sorry
ur a good person
u dont deserve this

[androidheart]

I'm sorry too

This life is awful, truly.

[youraffection]

we still dont know how retrospec works
no ones tried but...
maybe its possible to reverse things?

[androidheart]

They said the only way to prevent it from happening is to die.

[youraffection]

what the hell??
they said that 2 U?

[androidheart]

One of them said it a few months back, when they were discussing the mailboxes. Something about the only way to stop physical changes would be to destroy your soul, or something.

So my only escape would be to die.

Hah.

How sad.

[youraffection]

no
no thats a fucked up answer
y do they think thats ok???

[androidheart]

Because it's the truth, Yosuke.

[youraffection]

like hell it is!
what we thought was the truth a year ago isnt the truth at all anymore!
im not gonna just sit around while 1 of my friends feels like dying might b a better option??
fuck that noise
theres gotta b SOMETHING