retrospec | text

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bungou to alchemist: osamu dazai

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If someone's name isn't registered with restrospec anymore what happened

do they forget everything

how many people have disappeared

[Yes she's sure someone has asked this question a million times already but she cannot be assed to look for it

someone please help her, she can't get in contact with her sister]

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It would appear you have already gotten your answer, Sakura.

... this is not fair to you, and I am sorry you have been burdened with it.

[By the time she replies to him, a couple of hours have already passed. She's calmed down, or made a decent show of it for now.]

Yes, I did.

But she'll come back, they've said.

[ Perhaps. ]

It will be in a way that is unattached to this app, however. I do not know if there is any way to prepare yourself for it, but at least you have the time to grow somewhat comfortable with the idea, hm?

It's fine.

It wouldn't be the first time she left.

[-- Sent before she can think better of it.]

Not the first time?

What do you mean?

[... She doesn't really want to be salty on a public forum, and she doesn't know how to private threads, so.

She'll just... call him...]

Hello, Sakura.

[ He decides to start out in a somewhat conversational tone. It'll be no good if he ends up distressing her to the point of wishing to merely comply with his questions -- oh wait, maybe that would be better. No, he dismisses that thought immediately. There's no reason to be so cruel when she's already suffering the literal loss of her sister, so he tells himself. ]

... Hello, Shigaraki-san.

[He would've gotten away with forcing her compliance. Sakura's voice is... flat, emotion have been edged out from stress. And then there's a pause on her end, like she isn't sure what she planned to say in the first place]

Um... please disregard what I said before.

Nee-san didn't disappear... I just couldn't find her for five months.

[ He looks down at the amount of power that he has and relents. His anger has not yet ebbed away from seeing Zouken, and so he shows preference to her mood and state of being. Kei settles on the guilt within him to be as he should -- a guardian. ]

You couldn't find her. [ He repeats, carefully, like the words are made of glass. ] In some ways, I'm glad that it wasn't something cruel happening due to our involvement with this app. In other ways, I apologize for her as she can't do that now.

She was-- she was just busy, that's all.

[And in debt. And alone in a new country. And wanting to prove her worth without hindering her family.

All of them perfectly valid reasons, and completely true -- but the well's been poisoned. She can tell by how quickly she has to take in breaths to keep from crying.

It isn't Rin's fault.

She has no right to be upset at her sister.]

I thought she might be busy now, but... I should stop acting like she'd be an exception.

[ There are certainly a lot of things that he could say to that, but once more he holds his tongue. His gaze, instead, slides off to admire the wall and allow silence to settle in. ]

You can continue acting as though she is, Sakura. There's no reason to have to force yourself to give up hope. There's no reason to have to accept something until you are ready.

[And if she doesn't ever want to be ready?

... Hehe, she's so selfish.]

Keep convincing myself that Nee-san's just so busy she can't call me?

[...]

Well, like I mentioned, this... isn't the first time I haven't been able to contact her. So maybe...

[Deep down, this strikes her as such a terrible idea, except for that Kei is the one granting her permission. And that's... that's okay, isn't it? He has her best interests at heart.]

That's right. [ A beat. ] If you like, I can share in that ... belief.

[ Deluding oneself is, well, one thing, but if another person is enabling, it makes it a little easier. Things have been unfair to Sakura, and so he feels being unfair to the situation by not acknowledging them is equally acceptable.

Besides, as he thinks about it, their father asked him to watch over the two, and asked after their health and well-being. Kei thinks a little cushion before having to accept the cold reality is fine. ]

You can think on it longer, of course, but whatever you decide... I will assist in your decision.

... Okay.

[A terrible decision, but one that she'll make without question. Sakura is... done being selfless for a time.]

Then I'll keep hoping. Stranger things have happened here already...

[It'd be grasping at straws if she weren't so determined to make it a reality]

I should stop by her apartment, though. And leave her a note.

Of course.

[ His tone shifts to something a little more conversational. ]

That may be wise, but don't be too disheartened if she happens to not answer it. You know how she can be about getting back to either one of us. I believe sometimes she simply looks at our messages, notes to return it, and forgets all together.

Furthermore, with the chaos in the city as it is, I feel she will involve herself one way or the other. Such is her way...

[ There is the feeling of a staged shake of his head. But he is careful that he keeps the sound of his words natural rather twist them. ]

I'd say that we should scold her on it, but I believe both of us will just be relieved when she finally is done hiding away to say much of anything.

[She won't say it outloud, but there is a relief in having someone to talk to -- someone who knows Rin and how singleminded she can be in her exploits. Her sister never means to leave people behind, but perhaps that's the curse of being brilliant.

There's a smile on her voice when she responds]

She was like that when we were younger, too. I mean -- she always would reply back, but sometimes it'd be very to the point, because she had a million other things to think about it, so... I don't mind if I have to wait a little longer.

[A couple of days. That's all. Sakura will be patient for that long.]

Not being on the network might be better for her, actually. Now she can focus on school and work.

It may be a bit longer than usual, but time does have a way of moving slower when we're waiting for something. I'd suggest finding something to occupy your time.

[ Perhaps, that is a mild kindness of him to not have her dwell on the fact that Rin won't -- can't -- answer her. Perhaps. ]

Rin is Rin. She'll read the message and tell herself that she'll get back to it right away, and then weeks will go by. [ There is an inaudible feeling of him shaking his head. ]

I'm sure I'll be busy enough looking after Shinji...

[She doesn't think she could spend her time doing anything else. Making sure her cousin is comfortable is the only stress-free area of her life right now, and even that has drawbacks. Still, it's as close to relief as she's sounded so far.]

But you're right. If I'm occupied, I won't worry so much about her...

[Or perhaps more accurate, she can convince herself she's not worrying. It's almost as good as the real thing]

... Thank you, Shigaraki-san.

[For once she's going to leave a conversation feeling better than she did.]

[ Kei can hear her relief and sense of contentment over the phone. His head tilts to the side as he thinks -- he stops himself from carrying on with the thought, however. ]

There's no need to thank me. I'm merely doing what I should do as a guardian. [ This may very well end up causing more issues in the future, but for now, it's a workable solution over having to constantly accept reality. ]

Take care, Sakura.

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