retrospec | forward-dated to 2/5

[The attempted levity does help. It certainly makes this trip feel a lot less like abject failure. Freya runs her hand through her hair before she turns around again, shooting an amused half-smile at Anna.]

Like this counts. That eye of yours is just as much of a cactus as when I got here. [She ambles over to the opposite end of the bed, taking a seat on the corner.] I guess I can wrangle up a breakdown, if it'd really make you feel better. [#sarcasm.]

Do what you gotta.

[she knows damn well she's not the only one with problems. hers is just. the more prominent one right now, probably. Anna tries her best to follow Freya with her eye, just trying out this whole tracking thing, seeing how well it still works and how fucked she's going to be when she picks that sword up again. the answer is pretty fucked.]

My eye's not gonna get better, probably, even with magic. Least I could do would be to let you unload if we want to go all equivalent exchange here.

[Freya leans back on her elbows, looking up at the ceiling and slowly shaking her head.]

What even'd be equivalent exchange for that? [Well, she's probably got something buried in Fang's past since that seemed to be one whole trauma train of struggle and suffering, but as far as Freya could tell, her other self had remained all in one piece.]

You sick of telling people what happened yet? [Of course Anna explained it on the network in plain public sight, but. It seemed better to hear it directly from her, if she felt inclined.]

Nope.

[yeah. but she didn't exactly go into detail on the network, and Freya is... she's Frey. come on. what's Anna gonna do, keep her in the dark for months at a time and blindside her with all kinds of new information all at once?]

I went down into the sixth layer to get into a lab where they were doing soul experiments. I got a bunch of different memories from people while I was in there, and then I got sucked into a giant brain monster and had to fight my way out.

[she's talking at a measured, reasonable pace, like she has any clue what exactly she's saying. but this is beyond the pale even for her.]

Then the brain took my eye after I killed it.

[You know what. Look. She was internally dealing with a lot of stuff and got really busy, okay, and then that weird two-month haze in their memories happened and... shut up.]

[A breath whistles out of Freya. Where does she even start with that?]

It got your eye after you axed it. [It's not really a question. A beat, then,] That shit's weird, even by the golden standard we usually deal with.

[Anna nods slowly, still not totally there. this is all just kind of a fact of what her life has been like for the past few days. the past few hours. time is hard and so is focusing.]

Yeah. I couldn't... remember who I was. Zee said something about how it was because I had so many souls trying to cram themselves inside me while I was down there. [something like that. she blinks her eye slowly and turns to face the window.] I think it's what Vanderweele wants to do to us. Blend a bunch of souls together and make... some übermensch or something.

[Freya glances at Anna, considering that. So many souls that she forgot who she was, huh. Given that on some days, Freya's having a hard enough time with her own soul twisting and re-calibrating or whatever, it was hard to imagine an unspecified number of them trying to buy real estate.]

[After a quiet moment,] You okay? Not the eye. The soul roulette.

[So many of them had such winning souls from back home, she would bet the unused ones were, too.]

[and that gives her pause. it's not the question she thought she'd get from anyone, much less Freya, and... to tell the truth, it takes her longer than she wants to recall what the soul roulette was right.]

There was a girl whose grandmother made her a wreath of white flowers. [she's got that same lifeless tone even if her words are a little nicer.] And I remembered that girl as a kid and an adult, in a burned-out trailer where she was just trying to live. And someone came by begging for just one flower for his sick daughter, and she fought him off with two giant swords. [and she smiles weakly, but it's more emotion than she's shown this whole time.]

It really felt like I was that girl. Or like I was... other androids that I remember. You know A2 had a girlfriend? I remembered everything about her a few months ago.

[Well, don't let it be said that Anna's life didn't have a theme. Even when it wasn't about her, it still somehow seemed to revolve around giant, overcompensating swords.]

[But a smile was good--probably. Freya had a slight sinking feeling over where this was going, but. Who knows, maybe this wasn't going to be a tragedy for once.]

[Right. Sure.]

That so? [It's a casual urging on, an opening to let Anna ramble if she wanted.]

Yeah. Her name was No.4. [and she says it all out, "number four", and it's the first time she can think saying her name and images of her flash into her head from A2's memories. her smiling face. the determination in her... eye. she had an eyepatch, too. ha.]

She had this... unbelievably cheerful way of going about everything. She loved being on the Pearl Harbor mission, seeing places, talking to new people. She was A2's subordinate, but they really did care about each other. [she doesn't want to get sappy right now; it doesn't fit her mood, and she has one more thing to say, too.] She... set the black box inside her to explode and sacrificed herself to save A2's life. I guess I'm really not supposed to have a girlfriend, huh?

[That tugged hard at Freya's heartstrings, and for more reasons than mere sympathy. If she closed her eyes, Freya was sure she'd see a bright, half-remembered smile. It was probably that 'little too close to home' bit that caused her to kick back a little harder than she should've.]

Careful; almost sounds like you're moping again. [She says with a snort, and immediately looks away. No, bad.]

I hate that self-sacrifice BS, [says the bloody firefighter.] No one gets anything out of it in the end, except more pain. That's rough.

[ha. yeah. well. she only remembers No.4, she doesn't remember any of the... context or anything. she was there, she rose to her feet, she ran forward, she blew herself up. what's Anna to think? not that she has the time to think about No.4 too hard right now without things getting dark and mopey. and she knows Freya doesn't mean anything by that, and she doesn't let herself take it too personally. not right now.]

Most of A2's life was rough. Her entire squadron got infected by a logic virus and she had to watch all of them die. Or be killed. She was the only one who survived, and I guess now I know just what she lost.

[she legitimately can't remember right now if she's told Freya this. she feels like she has, but it's just as impossible to focus now as it was a handful of minutes ago.]

I think the girl with the flowers had a rough life, too, but I didn't have her in there long enough to tell. I don't think anyone from A2's world was happy. [a dry, utterly dead laugh.] Wonder what tipped me off.

[She's mentioned the dead squad bit before, in passing, but there's plenty of new enough details in there for Freya not to mention it.]

I've got no idea what a logic virus is, but I supposed it doesn't change a damn thing--watchin' people die's the same.

[Freya takes a breath, not quite sighing. After a moment, she adds,] Don't get lost in it, yeah? This is your world, now. I know you probably don't need to be told, but the reminder never hurts--not when all that shit's fresh in your head and feels like it happened yesterday.

[Anna laughs bitterly, only a couple sounds in a too-tired throat. yeah, Frey's right, Frey's always been right this entire time and she appreciates knowing her and wouldn't want to do anything to change that, but sometimes she has this way of saying exactly the right thing.]

It did happen yesterday. Dragged my ass over to Zee's this morning fresh from the sixth layer. Forced myself to shower and eat some of the shit I had lying around, at least, but I feel like I've been awake for fucking days. [because she more or less has been.]

[She snorts.] I meant the memories. A2's world.

[It came out harsher than she meant; it wasn't even really about anything. Something about that bitter laugh grated on Freya's nerves in a way that escaped her.]

[She sat up, running both hands through her hair idly and feeling a twist of guilt about contributing tension where there wasn't any. It it hit her, why she hated that laugh; it was one Freya herself sometimes made. They really were too damned similar, sometimes.]

Gonna take a stab and guess you'd be asleep if you could. [Her tone was casual again, and Freya made a conscious effort to keep it that way this time.]

[Anna doesn't even seem to notice. or if she does, she's too exhausted to say anything, because, like, who wouldn't be angry at her right now? especially if they care about her. she went out there and lost an eye for something that she's not even sure they can do anything with yet.]

You know it. [she can't pretend to be casual right now. good on Freya for pulling it off.] I still don't even know what I'm gonna see when I close my... [ah.]

[Freya decides not to acknowledge the elephant that was~~n't~~ in the room.]

Want me to call Pen back? She can put you in a magical, nightmare-free sleep--at least for a little while.

It's... I'll be fine. [Anna shakes her head. it's a kind offer, and probably one she should take, but she's. she doesn't want to.]

She already offered to cast a bunch of spells on me for the next time I head out there and I still don't know how I feel about it. It's probably the smart thing to do, but... like, I couldn't even stay on brain pills because I didn't like what they did to me. Only reason I let you give that earlier spell a try is because you're you and it was just one spell.

[Because she's her, huh? Usually people said something like that to excuse something stupid Freya's done.]

Careful now; it almost sounds like you're gonna add to my list of people that tell me I make 'em feel safe.

[A shrug.]

Give it a thought sometime. Long as you've still got some fleshy bits, sleep's an important part of healing. I know she wouldn't mind; Pen drove around doin' a nightmare-free service for what felt like half of the Specters one October.

[ha. yeah. that's what it sounds like, huh? Anna figured she was already on it by now, but she'll leave it unsaid for the moment. don't want to make this any more uncomfortable.]

I don't usually get nightmares that bad anymore, but I don't usually lose body parts without getting something back either, I guess. [it really wasn't a good time when she lost her heart, but knowing she still had something there instead did at least help a little.]

Pen knows what she's doing. I just need to trust her. I'll think about it.

[Anna was probably half on that list already; there was something about it being explicitly said that felt like some sort of entrusted responsibility that Freya couldn't betray.]

[Anna's tendency for recklessness would make that complicated. For now, Freya hums at her friend's answer, satisfied. Then she glances at her, curiously tilting her head.]

How'd you even get to the sixth layer, anyway?

Walked.

[what a helpful answer! don't worry, she'll get there.]

There was this gate, like, right on the edge of Bosuma. I guess like the silver doors everybody's been going into and out of lately? Zee helped me get in, and then I was just... there. And everything was. [she's trying to remember, and she's got a clear picture in her head, but it's hard to describe.] There wasn't anything there, but it felt like something wanted me to be there. Like I was the only person who had been down there in years and they were waiting for me.

Huh.

[All good info. Probably inaccessible without Zee or someone else behind the scenes, but still good info nonetheless.]

Feel more like a trap kinda waiting for you, or eager to see something else alive?

A little of both. Vanderweele was definitely trying to get to me down there and everything seemed like it went... too smoothly for it not to be planned out. Like when something stole Rose's voice and snuck up behind me and kept trying to get me to turn around.

[and she'll have to talk to Rose about basically all of that if she can get her out of the apartment and over here, but that's for another time.]

But the brain felt like it was looking for more memories to take. Like it had been waiting down there for god knows how long and I just happened to be its last meal.

[Freya's brow knit together. She tried to ignore the chill that ran down her spine.]

You think this brain-thing was hunting like an angler fish.

[She chewed on that a moment, liking the thought less and less. Fang's part of her instincts screamed at her, a half-remembered life of being at the near bottom of the food chain shoving hypotheticals at her.]

...too smoothly, huh? [Freya looked straight ahead at the wall.] Here's to hoping you didn't let something out, or bring something with you.

forward-dated to 2/5

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