004 // it's the most shoujo time of the year

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[Normally, Xiaolang doesn't do this.

Normally, Xiaolang's much more tight-lipped about his personal life, his romantic matters, because... well. He's a fourteen year old boy, an easily embarrassed one at that, and he'd die before giving people ammo to tease him with!!

But his amplified Wood Monkey traits-- hard-working, curious, and communicative-- has worn down his barriers quite a bit, leading him to post something under li xiaolang that he's probably going to regret come the twilight hours:]

What's something good to do with someone for Valentine's Day? Or what's something romantic you'd like someone to do for you?

[... ... ... is he making a Valentine's date idea list? Yes. Is he going to try to do all of them? EXTRA YES.]

Comments

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... it is romantic, yeah. Though I think you're right-- finding something we both like would be the ideal situation. I wouldn't want her to think I'm looking down on what she likes if I'm not enjoying it as much as she is. I know I wouldn't want her to be bored if things were the other way around.

I think with school and everything, we probably wouldn't be able to watch the sunrise, but... the sunset would be nice to watch together. I wish our building was high enough for proper stargazing, though, but I could always bring up my telescope if we need it...

[servileness]

You're shaping up to be a fine boyfriend. Listening to your girlfriend and telling her when you're troubled is also important. Please keep that in mind.

Stargazing is a wonderful idea, and thinking of the telescope is a nice touch. I think she'll like it.

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[That...... is most definitely going to wind up eventually triggering a regain he's not going to like very much, but!! For now, he's just going to sit right here, turning into the tiniest tomato, grateful that Clover can't actually see how much he's flustering over that. (Not that his text doesn't immediately give him away, of course]

I I um

I don't know if I'm

ah

[Take a goddamn compliment, boy!! Even if he's not sure if he should accept it given how he knows absolutely zip about dating stuff!!!! Maybe it's time to shift the focus a bit--]

... I don't want to upset her or have her worried over me, though. I don't want to bring down her mood along with mine.

[servileness]

Don't you think she'd like it that you trust her enough to talk to her about your concerns? I understand that you don't want to be a burden, but if you two care for each other, you should be able to share those kinds of feelings. Perhaps you'll both be sad for a little while, but if you two can support each other through your ups and your downs, you'll come out stronger for it.

Wouldn't you want her to share when she's troubled with you?

[ They're only 14 or so years old and have many more years to figure this out, but it wouldn't hurt if Xiaolang learned this earlier rather than later.

Clover wants to support him. It's one of the few good feelings she has left. ]

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[Honestly, it's better that this is pushed into his head now, before he regains certain memories that will make it that much harder to do. (Because, really-- he got some doozies waiting to be remembered when it came to this subject) He trusts Clover's advice on this, given she has more experience on her plate when it came to romantic matters, but... it was a hard mindset to shake.

He's going to set this to private, to be on the safe side, because he can never be too sure who might be reading this.]

Of course I do. I wouldn't want her to worry about anything without being able to help somehow.

But... I don't want to be the source of what troubles her, either. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just... I don't want to be seen as unreliable. At least... unreliable in that I can't handle my own problems along with hers.

[You can't be someone's rock if you're leaning on them for help, after all! Of course, this is just stupid, self-sacrificing boy talk here, but...]

[servileness]

You wouldn't be. If you want to be closer with her, you have to able to learn how to share the good with the bad. I wouldn't want the person I love to keep secrets from me. I wouldn't think they're unreliable or undependable if they were troubled.

You're only human. To be depended on and to be able to depend on someone else at the same time is one of the most fulfilling experiences. Sharing that you have problems doesn't mean you can't handle yourself. We don't live in such a black and white world.

Let her help you, and you will in turn help her. You should equally support each other.

[ It's a bit hypocritical of Clover since she doesn't divulge her problems until she's at a breaking point, but she knows what's ideal. She can preach what good actions are even if she can't always follow through. ]

1/2 REGAIN GET sorry for the multiparter

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['Easier said than done', isn't it? Xiaolang's fairly guilty of that himself, not practicing what he preaches, though he doesn't know Clover well enough to call her out on it.

He's about to type up a response to Clover's advice when a memory hits him, vividly playing before his eyes like a movie.

--

He's standing in a fancy bedroom, an older man right by his side, both watching in concern as Sakura shifts in bed so she can sit on the edge of the mattress.

'I'm fine now. The doctor even said I am.'

'But...' The elderly man begins, hands hovering out to her in worry.

'You've got something to give me, right?' Sakura chirps, her face cheerful and innocent as she swiftly deflects the subject, making the old man start in realization.

'Oh, that's right. Wait here for a while.'

'Okay!'

Syaoran watches the man hurry out of the room, a slight frown on his face, and it's not until he's well out of hearing range that he turns to Sakura, eyes filled with concern.

'You aren't forcing yourself?'

'Nope. I'm sorry, I even made you worry.'

His expression still quietly fretful, he holds out a hand to Sakura as she stands from the bed, carefully steadying her as she makes her way to her feet.

'It's fine.' A pause, and then: 'But... if there's even a slight pain, or places that hurt, just tell me without hiding anything.'

'... You too, Syaoran-kun.'

'Eh?'

His eyebrows raise and his eyes widen, taken off guard by her statement. The expression on Sakura's face is oddly serious, her large eyes staring back at him with gentle worry. It's a look that can see right through him, but won't remark on what it sees.

'I also want you to tell me... without hiding anything.'

A sad, almost guilty expression crosses his face as he looks back at her, something twisting in his chest at her words. Is it guilt? Or something else?

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[Of course, he's not going to know, as the memory stops there, leaving him slightly disoriented and with a heavy heart. Just what the hell was that? There were so many questions there-- was Sakura sick? Why did she need a doctor? Who was that old man? Where were they?-- but one stuck out in particular.

Was his other self hiding something from her?

He didn't know. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. But it made this conversation with Clover that much more important.]

... you're right. You're right... about all of that.

I'm sorry, I just

I just remembered something, from that other life, and

I think it's something the other me had trouble with, too. Not telling his problems to the person he cared about, that is.

don't be sorry!

[servileness]

Do you relate to your other self that much?

If you don't want to repeat those troubles, it's best to work on it now. Evolve past your memories.

[ It's a selfish wish that she wants everyone still on Retrospec to do. For every person who can be different from their memories, that creates more hope for her. Even if it's hard for her to hope. ]

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I don't. I refuse to be like him.

[Had he been speaking to her face to face, his words probably would have sounded short, and just a bit sharp. Because he can't begin to relate to that other boy, the one who thought it was alright to treat Sakura like dirt and threaten her the way that he did. The only thing he could empathize with was Syaoran's eventual love for her... and even he wasn't entirely sure how that happened.

(Joke's on Xiaolang, though, he's pretty much entirely Syaoran but he can't see it!!)]

I'll try not to make those mistakes a second time. After what you said and what I remembered... it isn't fair to leave her in the dark.

[He considers his next words carefully, because he didn't want to make things awkward... but Clover DID have more experience in this than him for a reason.]

... was this something you dealt with when you were dating?

[He doesn't say Leon specifically, since he doesn't know who else Clover may have seen before or after him... but he's the only one he knew, anyway.]

[servileness]

You're at an age that you'll benefit from this the most. I believe in your ability.

[ It's a good thing this is already private because otherwise, Clover would be even less honest and talk around it. ]

... In some ways, yes. It's a bit complicated. This is an issue that can apply to all relationships, not just ones where you're dating.

Honesty is important, but it is difficult to be honest sometimes, and fear and worry can triumph where it shouldn't.

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... I understand that. Sometimes there's certain things you can't tell someone, not in regards to yourself... but in regards to other things, and other people. And sometimes you don't know whether it's your place to tell them about it or not.

[... sounds like you're talking from experience, Xiaolang]

I want to believe in my ability to be better. But I don't know what to do if I run into something like that again.