three ♡

[dereban]

[ as always, her handle is Queen and well, while she's a little hesitant about posting this, she does want second thoughts. . . and she's not sure how people will take it. ]

Hi guys.

I'm honestly just a little curious about something, and you know what they say - 'curiosity killed the cat' and all that, so. Here goes nothing.

You know how we've been getting maps to our past lives' worlds and all that? Well, I found mine. Apparently I lived in Yokohama? I knew it was in Japan, but not any exact location, so knowing that is honestly kind of neat. But also. . . I met my past self's boyfriend. I was kind of surprised, really, because he looked exactly as I remembered him. A part of me was kind of afraid that maybe he'd reenact a scene from my past life, but.

It was kind of strange.

The way he reacted when I talked to him was what I expected from him. How he always was. And when I introduced myself, said that my name was different from my past life, he didn't question me or anything. He just accepted it, and called me by my normal name. The one I have here.

Is it weird, that I don't know what to do? I know a lot of people here are going to want to stay here. Live out their lives in Recolle, or maybe move out of the city when all's said and done. But. . . what if someone wanted to make the choice to go back to their past life because they were happier there? Would that really be such a bad thing? It's kind of scary to think about, really, since it kind of feels that if I chose that option, I'd be betraying my 'current self' and the people I care about. That's why I want to hear some advice.

To see what you guys think, I guess.

Sorry this got kind of tl;dr, but I just wanted to put my thoughts out there, really. Since it's a bit of a complex topic to talk about.

Comments

[maidofmistakes]

No, I get it. I want to go back and be my past self, but a lot of people say you shouldn't and keep reminding you that they think you're not the same person. I really hated that, to be honest, but I know some of those people need it. Some people really need to go back to their old selves and their old lives, but some people really need to stay the way they are and leave those old lives behind. I don't know what the right solution for everyone is.

[dereban]

Yeah.

Like the fact that we have different experiences from our past lives already makes us fundamentally different, yes. But that doesn't mean we weren't our past lives, you know? This topic's honestly pretty complicated and confusing and I don't think that there's necessarily a right or wrong answer.

[maidofmistakes]

Guess it's different for everyone. And choosing was easier when I thought my sister would still be my sister and not alternate universe me? That's kind of a thing too.

[dereban]

That sounds... complicated.

[maidofmistakes]

You're telling me. The multiverse is pretty hard to keep straight sometimes.

[motiv8]

If it helps, I don't think you'd be betraying me.

I'd miss you, obviously, if you went to another world and never came back. But if that's what you believe is the right choice for you I'm in no position to stop you.

I won't lie, I've considered the same for myself before. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I were the Erebonian Rean Schwarzer rather than the one I am.

But... admittedly, that was kind of before I found out how the civil war ended. And the simple fact of the matter is that even if I could go back to that world exactly as it was, Crow isn't in it anymore. And that's enough of a reason for me to stay exactly where I am.

[dereban]

To be honest, I'm kind of terrified of either choice. If I stay here, I might keep being miserable in spite of wanting to be better and if I go back...

I don't know.

There's so much about Inaba's life that I still don't know.

A part of me kind of wishes that there was a third choice. That I don't have to choose between one life or the other. Why can't I have both?

[motiv8]

You might. But you might find happiness, too. You're too quick to write yourself off as a lost cause, Raina.

But I know the feeling. There's a lot I don't know about my past life, too. I know that things happened, but I don't know why. I'm just left with the consequences of actions I don't know if I'll ever understand, even if I get all of my memories back.

I mean... I know it sounds cheesy, but if you don't like the two options you've been given, then there's always the option to forge your own path. No matter what, now, even if you stay here as Raina, you have Inaba's memories. We can't pretend those don't fundamentally change us.

[dereban]

[ Actually, give her a second to out the rest of this on private since this is getting a little bit too personal for her liking and she doesn't really want to talk too much about her memories in public. ]

For me it's a little different. I know a lot of what's going on and why, but there's just a lot of gaps between my memories...

And it's not cheesy. Iori said something similar to me once. When I was about to throw my feelings for Taichi away because I knew he loved someone else at the time so that I could keep the club together, she told me that I should go for both. To keep the club together as friends and to go for the person I love.

I don't know if I should be doing the same here, to keep both of my lives somehow, to be able to go to each world whenever I wanted to... But do you think it's worth me trying?

[flametheif40]

It makes complete sense, and it's honestly a question I didn't think about much since I pretty much don't have a choice but to stay.

I don't know about betraying the people you care about, you're doing something for YOU, if you moved to another country because that is what you needed to do for your happiness, then it's not a betrayal, it's something that you need to do, it might suck on both sides, sure, but you gotta do what you gotta do, assuming that's a viable option.

Just to make sure we are on the same page, what do you mean by betraying yourself? Like making every choice you made up to now, practically pointless?

[dereban]

Well, it's a little different from moving to another country, you know? I might not be able to see my family anymore, much less get in contact in them. You could even argue that I might be abandoning my family here for another family that I don't even know anything about. I want to be happy, yes. It's probably the most selfish thing that I could possibly be doing. I just don't know if it's worth the sacrifice. And as for that last section... yeah, basically. None of my life as "Raina" would matter. I'm kind of scared of that.

1/2

[flametheif40]

A bit different yeah, not being able to see family anymore is the same risk you take from going to another country.

I guess that would depend on how much your sacrificing...

2/2

[flametheif40]

[Al sighs and hesitates, thinking for a while before continuing, does he need to put a bit of a personal thing here for her sake? There are the dots in messager for a while as he thinks about this.

From their 1st meeting, she seemed someone that wouldn't ordinarily open up like this, something he knows far too well...if he could just somehow help just a little bit, maybe it's worth it, be closer to the good person he wants to be, this sort of thing was what really good people did all the time right? His heart beats fast, even if so far, him opening up has generally been a good thing(minus his brother) there is always the fear at the back of his head]

Just...if you do it, just make sure it's because you really have nothing to loose...I...sort of did something like that once, so I understand.

Not really sure about that last bit, cause we are here now making our choices, just by being here and having memories of another lifetime and whatever things you have gone through since getting the app, your already different than that last life...

I was a hero in my last life, if I were to go back, I would have to change to fit in like he did. I imagine it's not so drastic for you...but you get the point?

[jurai]

[He's gonna have to give a hard pass on that one, dawg. This life has 100% less robot satan tails piercing his heart.

Also, sorry Raina, but he may not have the support you're looking for.]

That life is a closed book, Raina

It's already been lived by you

I'm in no position to stop you from making your choice, but you really oughta just admit you're looking for validation to hide in someone else's happiness because you don't want to do the legwork for your own

Plain and simple

[dereban]

Is it really over, though? If the places are coming back, if the people are coming back, who's to say that life has ended for me? Maybe I want to run away and live a happier life. But you have no right to say that I'm doing nothing for myself because I want to make the choice to be the person I used to be. They're still me.

[jurai]

I'm no expert on soul-ology, but it ended the moment you became Raina Schwarzer

Your past life was a book in a long series of stories, and you don't finish the next book by rereading the one before it

[A pause. This is why he fckn hates Retrospec not having psychologists to help out with this mind fuckery.]

Tell me something, Raina

Would your past self look at you right now and tell you to come back? Would she want you to turn away from moving forward?

Or would she want you to learn from her life?

She is you, after all. You'd know her answer better than anyone

[dereban]

[ Her answer doesn't come immediately, if only because she's mulling things over in her head. ] I... don't know. I'm weak. Both now, and back then. I wouldn't know the answer to that, either. I think she'd want me to choose something that would make me happy. No matter how selfish it might be. But I think, she- No, it's just me. I'm selfish enough that I want to run away to my past life. But at the same time, I want to be selfish to want both.

[fiddlestick]

Sorry, but how do you know that was real? We are dealing with an illusionist here. And no illusion's more tempting than a nice one...

Though even if it was real? I don't think I'd go back. There's a lot to like about my past life and there's people in my memories I wish were in my life now but ... I'll never be that Elliot again. He lived a different life than I did. Acting like I could be him would just be pretending, and I'd rather live in reality.

[dereban]

Honestly, I don't know. Honestly, I should be more wary, considering. . . but I guess I wanted to believe that it really was him. Maybe that's something that I should contact Zee about. If it'd even help give me any peace of mind. I mean, I guess it's fair though. To make a choice like that, regardless of whether or not it was real. But even if he wasn't real, I've been thinking about it for a while now. And I don't know what choice I want to make, really. There's so many people that I care about in that life. But I'd feel guilty for abandoning this one just to be happy in that. My life isn't so significantly different that I couldn't just slip back to being 'Inaba'. But I'd be lying to myself if I just simply pretended to become my past self entirely, and I don't really want that. Sorry, I rambled on too much, didn't I?

[fiddlestick]

Yeah, I can see why you'd want to believe it. But I would talk to Zee about it, after the last few months, something feels off.

I'd disagree about it being not being significantly different. My past self and I have a lot in common too, but you have to remember we're only getting snapshots of important memories to our past selves, not the full picture. Like I know my past self grew up in Heimdallr, but I don't know what growing up in Heimdallr was like. I don't know what games he liked, or what he'd eat, or what books he'd read when he was 8. There's countless little details I'll probably never know that makes up who he really was. Details that could be really different. The same goes for Inaba.

[....]

I don't think you rambled too much, but I do want to ask one thing:

Do you care about the people from your past life because of who they are and you truly want to get to know them? Or do you care because they already care about you so you won't have to worry about being rejected?

[dereban]

I'll definitely do that. Since it wasn't just my world that I saw. But you're right. There's still a lot that I don't know. I know where she came from now, but I don't remember her family at all, even though I know how she felt about them. I have a slight feeling that my family life here was better than it was in my past, but I have stronger friendships in turn of that. Not to mention that all my memories are high school-related... I don't want them to simply care about me because I was 'Inaba'. I want them to accept me as who I am right now, in the past, if anything. And I want to truly get to know them. Not as figments of my memories. But as people I can talk to, laugh with, and make memories as me. It's really selfish to want that. To really want that. But I care about them a lot to not give them anything less than that. If they don't like "Raina" if I ever saw them for real - then that's completely on me. That's what I think, anyway.

[usurpers]

[ holy shit he just remembered something ]

That’s not what’s happening.

[dereban]

Do you know something? Spill.

[usurpers]

“Reverse Pangea”.

This world is running a risk of collapsing. They’re using Vanderweele’s hybrid project to stabilize our memories into reality to fill the holes.

We’re the focal points to what’s being reconstructed. The better aspects of all our past worlds are going to rebuild and coexist with this one until we’re one multi-hybrid world.

Zee said our souls would remember all of our past lives then and still live normally in this one.

[dereban]

[ . . . . ]

I don't know if I should take that as good or bad news. Would 'the better aspects' also include people?