(no subject)

[thesettingsun]

Been a while since I asked a vague personal question on the network! Probably because I lost network access for a while there, but still. I'm overdue.

So, quick summary, past me was Bad and I do not want to be like him. He also was older than me at the end of his life, and he had kids. He was not a great dad. Not like an abusive parent or anything, and I think he loved them as much as he was capable, but that's not very much.

What does it say that I'm thinking more lately about whether I want kids someday? Now that I have this example of 'me' messing it up?

Comments

[maidofmistakes]

I can see why you'd be worried, Mr. Tsushima. But I don't know, I can't see you not caring about the people in your life. And you always talk about Mr. Dazai like he's a whole other person.

[Guess they still get reception in another world.]

[thesettingsun]

[of course they do]

I have to keep him separate, because I don't want to give up on being a better person than him. But he's not completely different from me, you know? His flaws are just mine taken up to eleven. If he's good for anything it's as a warning of what I could become.

[maidofmistakes]

So you're still worried... I guess I can't blame you. But you're always trying, and no parent's perfect, right? I think what it says about you is that maybe you still want kids, or at least want to think about it, even if you're worried. Just, you have different worries. Or more specific ones? I don't know.

[thesettingsun]

I'm always worried. At least that's my normal.

I don't know. Dazai's kids are the hardest memories to talk about. You'd think it'd be the traumatic memories, but no.

[maidofmistakes]

Maybe it's because you're worried about them. I mean, Mr. Dazai cared about them, right?

[thesettingsun]

Well... It's Dazai, so the standard is pretty low.

[maidofmistakes]

I guess. Sorry. Maybe I'm not really the kind of person who can help you with this. I don't know anything about kids.

[thesettingsun]

I'm concerned if you think I do?

[maidofmistakes]

I mean, you were pretty nice to me. To Lina? I don't want to say we're different, but also we kind of are, just one's me broken down and recreated in another world and the other one's me put back together. But you were always helpful and nice and stuff.

[thesettingsun]

Being nice to your neighbor who's younger than you is a lot different than raising a child from birth. Not that I don't appreciate you saying so, but. It's not really the same.

[maidofmistakes]

I guess... Sorry. But there's books and advice groups and stuff at least, right?

[thesettingsun]

Thank god. It's a problem normal people have too.

[maidofmistakes]

I guess parenting would be pretty scary. What brought on thinking about it, anyway?

[thesettingsun]

Starts with M, rhymes with buena vista.

[maidofmistakes]

Does that mean you two talked?

[thesettingsun]

Talking's generous. I cried at him for an hour.

[maidofmistakes]

Is he going to be okay? Are you going to be okay? What happened?

[thesettingsun]

We're going to be okay. Just emotional.

[maidofmistakes]

I'm really glad. You needed something good to happen for a long time, I think.

[thisloveisjustice]

I don't think you'd be the first to use your past life as a cautionary tale. I certainly do with mine.

But speaking as someone who had a terrible father in his past life, the fact you're at all concerned you might mess up is a good thing.

[thesettingsun]

It's all Dazai's good for, aside from the weird weaponry. And the books.

I don't know how people don't worry about it. Even if they don't have the past life situation that we do.

[thisloveisjustice]

No judgement here. I got a sad party trick where I can tell people their last meal. Books would have been more interesting.

I think any parent with at least a little common sense has that worry. You have to somehow teach a small human how to become an adult, which is complicated. A lot of people probably don't feel comfortable admitting it.

[thesettingsun]

Depressing semi-autobiographical books, though.

Have to wonder how as many people are as good at parenting as they are. I think most of us came out pretty okay, in the long run?

[thisloveisjustice]

Were they at all useful in figuring out your past life?

My guess, most parents fake it til they make it, or humans in general are just resilient enough to survive most shortcomings.

[thesettingsun]

A little bit. Mostly for figuring out why he was like this instead of the events, though. I'd remembered most of the relevant events already.

That's probably it.

...I wonder if I can still have kids biologically, now that you mention humans.