retrospec | Bad Decisions Have Been Made

Bad Decisions Have Been Made

THIS IS A PSA ON BEHALF OF TEAM ABSINTHE! MOSTLY ME THOUGH!

Please do not pull off blood sacrifice.

75% of the time that will fuck you over. Source on that figure: A retrospec employee who literally tripped and got stuck in a chest and we had to rescue. So his info might not be uh, the most accurate thing in the world but still.

But seriously don't. I lost a finger and I got nothing but dark miasma, everyone thinking I was a crazy person, and suffering. And only TWO of those are an ordinary part of my life. Nine fingered typing is infinitely harder than you would think it would be! It's really inconvenient and annoying. Along with, well, missing a pinkie. That's a bad thing.

So I'm putting this up here to make sure no one repeats my mistake, and at least, someone gets something out of this.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[For a long time, she just sits there. He was right, something was off about her. Maggie's bombastic attitude was, in the most part, for show. none of her enthusiasm was real, or at least, what was real ended up greatly exaggerated. The lie fooled herself just as often as it fooled others. right now though, she wasn't able to properly maintain it. In person, at least. There were too many emotions that were bottled up and she could feel them rising up inside her chest. It was a last ditch effort of hers, to contain her feelings and avoid being honest, so her usual mask was crumbling. All that was left was an empty, false calm. But that could only be kept up for so long. So, in a single moment, she decided to use her remaining willpower to offset him. To make sure he wouldn't blame himself for her mistakes, and end up making her feel worse.

[And so she began to laugh. Laugh as, for the first time in years, tears began to form in her eyes.]

"Oh come on! Why are you apologizing, you idiot?! Stop trying to blame yourself for my actions!"

[The laugh rung hollow, the same hollow feeling that lurked behind every single laugh of hers, though this time it was apparent. The sentiment behind the words, at least, was genuine, even if nothing else about her outwardly was.]

[Cutter's eyes widens when he hears her laugh. He looks up with a questioning look because this isn't something to laugh about at all! It's her finger! Most people don't know it, but the little finger is responsible for up to fifty percent of a hand's grabbing power and strength in general! He has been in enough fight clubs to see his fair share of crippled limbs and has been warned by his martial arts teacher. If not treated properly a broken finger could get stiff and barely able to move and losing one is its own kind of brutal! So why... Why is she just laughing it off?!]

Maggie... You did it yourself?

[WHY WOULD SHE DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! The question is clearly written all over his face, but then Cutter's empathy kicks in and makes him aware of the way her laughter sounds, ringing all the alarm bells and alerts he has. Suddenly her lost finger and gripping power isn't his main concern anymore.

Straightening back up he shakes his head and sucks in a breath.]

You... You mean that you intentionally crippled your own hand, even when you knew that there was no reason to anymore? Why??

[He doesn't question her right for a choice like that. But he wants to know how deep the injury really is.]

"Well, we had that question at the time, you know? If we'd done any good deeds? I, really haven't. So what I was doing was showing a willingness to change and become a better person."

[Though she doubted that as well. Her reasoning behind it all was, unclear even to herself. She could come up with something that sounded reasonable aloud but she hadn't acted with a reason in mind. She hadn't even thought it through, fully. Her dramatic flair around it all made it seem more well thought out than it actually was. In that moment, it had been the right thing to do in her mind, so crystal clear and pristine that there was no other option available. But, all she could do to explain and justify it, all her rationalizations, they comforted her and other people. But they weren't real in the slightest.

[But then why had she done it? if she was anyone else, she would accept her own explanations. As so many people did, those who thought that they were truly free and in control of everything they did. Which was, inaccurate to say the least. Like people who thought they were consistent or people who thought that their insignificant beings could honestly change the world. Although all three of those things were an enjoyable fantasy they were far from being real. But question the reality of everything is what lead many to insanity, and she's not going to go down that road. Thus, bereft of other options, in that emotionally detached voice that was now starting to crack just a bit, she gave her true and yet inadequate answer.]

"In all honesty though? I did it, because I felt I had no other choice. I know, as I am now... I'm not a good person, but maybe I don't want to me one. At least, in the traditional sense of the word."

[She looked up at Cutter though. She saw his concern and his sincerity, and she frowned as she saw it. She honestly was getting a little bit worked up at this point, and normally that would be grounds for her to simply shut up and not get emotional or show any vulnerability but... she kept talking.]

"I can't believe you. How can you even do it? How can you face the cruelty of the world and honestly, sincerely try to help people? You walk forwards, without either knowing where that altruism is going to end up taking you or knowing and not caring. I'm not like that. I don't, no, I won't care about anything! About living, or dying. About whatever happens to the world. I don't have any real friends I'm going to be leaving behind if I do die anyways. Haven't even been able to care that much about people. Even so... I don't want to die. I just don't care if I live or not. Do you understand?"

[That... Is a lot that gets suddenly tossed at him, like the torrents behind a dam that finally gave in to all the things behind it. And maybe it's just that. For a few seconds Cutter tenses up and feels the old familiar fear creep through his bones, whispering nightmare scenarios where he says the wrong thing so badly that it destroys rather than helps.

But as Maggie keeps going he catches a good look at the expression in her face and the crack in her voice and he knows that he can't back out of this. She trusted him before and even though he messed so horribly up by failing to notice her state of mind she is trusting him again by opening up to him like that and- Whoa. Yes, he's a little overwhelmed. But he is also determined to do it right, no matter how's that supposed to look like. That's the manly way to deal with such a situation. It's also what a friend would do. And what he wants to do, right now, right here.

Meeting her eyes he barely thinks about her question as he bursts out into a short laugh.]

Honestly? I don't.

[Reaching out he touches her by the shoulder and scoots close so that he can try and pull her into a hug.]

I don't think I can understand what you're going through, even though I feel something similar at times. I also don't- I'm not such a good person as you're making me out to be. I'm not trying to help everybody and expect nothing in return. And I know that most 'good' actions are going to come around to bite you in the ass. I don't think this world is a nice place. I'm- I'm just a really big egoist, honestly. I do what I want, and I mess up bad and hurt other people a lot. It sucks.

[He chuckles bitterly.]

But you know what? I don't want you to die either.

"I don't crave death. I just don't care about living or not."

[Which was an important distinction to make. She never considered suicide seriously. Hell, it didn't even really enter her mind at all. But... even if she wasn't actively suicidal, that didn't mean she wanted to live all that heavily. She didn't want to be alive because she liked living, but because she still had things left that wouldn't let her be satisfied with death. Things that were incredibly important to her. Things that mattered. None of them particularly related to other people, but even so. They were her attachments. Her bonds. Not ones of friendship, but... bonds nonetheless]

"But, you've confirmed for me you're not an idiot with that speech so... good job on that at least."

Duly noted. I didn't take you for one either. Not your style. Also, you wouldn't have went for the little finger if you were. [Which doesn't mean he isn't still horrified by her decision, but in an abstract way Cutter thinks that he can understand. Not what drove her to do it, but the sheer need to do something, anything that is going to matter and has a meaning and might even end up making a difference, even if just for yourself and in your mind. If he is entirely honest he is driven like that as well.]

But seriously.

[He draws back and pulls a grimace.]

Does that mean you took me for some dumbass before? I'm hurt! Hurt! Maggie, you break my heart! [He clutches his chest theatrically, before he drops the fooling around and regards her with a sad smile.]

I know I said that I don't understand where you're coming from but I'd like you- er, to! To! Sheesh, you scrambled my brain with that rant!

[Cutter wrinkles his nose and sticks his tongue out for a moment. It's true that he likes her but not like that! Sheesh, she could almost be his mother! Hopefully she's not weirded out.]

Er, I was saying...

[Trailing off, he rubs the back of his head. Glances at the ceiling, then back at her. Then over her shoulder as he chews on his bottom lip and sorts the words so that they'll come out right this time before he finally takes a deep breath and meets her eyes again.]

I don't think that you have to be a good person in the traditional sense, or any! Or that you have to care. I mean, it would nice if you would, but in the end- ....It's your life, right? Don't let some stupid norm or glowy scabbard tell you what kind of person you're supposed to be! [That says the right one. Becoming aware of his own hypocrisy he ducks his head and chuckles sheepishly.] God, that's gotta sound so mushy-! A-anyway, you can say that you've never done a good thing until you're blue and black, but I know that isn't true! You saved me during our missions! And I'm not just saying that so that it sounds nice, I mean it! You gave me something to do and just fearlessly went and solved those riddles and just generally -- I would have died from nerves or messed up really, really bad like when I tried to block that blade with my arm if you hadn't been around and set the mood all the damn time! So-!!

[He takes a deep breath and bows again.]

Thank you! For both helping and trusting me, even though I never gave you a reason to! And I'm sorry for not noticing in how much pain you were!

"Cutter, I..."

[Her mouth hangs open, words escaping her once more. Not out of a lack of feelings or thoughts on the matter, quite the opposite. In fact, she even had the words lined up in her mind.

[But they never get to be heard.

[What happens instead is uncontrollable sobbing, and her promptly grabbing onto Cutter's shirt, gripping it with her crippled left hand. Her lecture she had prepared is now gone from her mind and she knows what's happening and goddamn was this the worst time for it. But she couldn't hold it in. Not after he's told her all that, not after she had been barely keeping any form of self-control beforehand. Instead she's showing him honesty that she won't even show herself. So much for being the mature adult in all of this. And the words that slip out are far less eloquent than anything she could have prepared.]

"I hate this. I hate that you're seeing me this way, I hate that I'm even weak enough to show you this, I hate that I even harbor this hatred, and that just makes it worse because I've been down this road of self loathing before and goddamn, I know how this ends and I can't stop it anyways. I can't control anything, I can't even control my own feelings. I'm just an utterly pathetic excuse for a human being and this is never gonna get better for me so why are you even trying to help someone you can't save?"

[He startles a little when he gets grabbed, but as her words keep pouring out of her Cutter finds himself just smiling; sadly, understanding, his heart going out to both of them even though he still cannot say that he truly understands. But it doesn't matter, because she is trusting him with this and he is going to keep it their secret for however long she needs it to be.

For a long time he doesn't know what to answer to the words that are spilling out of her, all of his fight having already been poured into and gone with his previous outburst. But as she keeps going he gets the feeling that it doesn't even matter because it takes something else than words this time - so he just reaches out and carefully hugs her back, letting her cry into his shirt until it is soaked with tears while he pretends that he isn't seeing her like that.

This weakness is private and if she needs somebody to hold on to for a while but no witness then he is willing to give her that.]

I guess I'm just a stubborn egoistic asshole like that?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Bad Decisions Have Been Made

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject