text; can you let me out? can you set me free from this dark inner world?

[truedetective]

[Why, what is this text message going out in the middle of the night?

It's someone who's hoping that not only will everyone be consumed with larger matters of what's happening in the world around them, but who will be fast asleep and not get this.

She knows she has to do this. She knows she needs to be honest with everyone, that she can't keep just hiding behind her assumed identity anymore.

It doesn't mean Naoto has to like it.]

"To thine own self be true." It's kind of a cliche saying at this point.
That doesn't make it inaccurate.

I can't think of any subtle or sensitive way to say this, so I might as well just be blunt: I've been keeping a secret from everyone as long as I've been living in this city. I haven't been honest.
While I've been outwardly presenting as male for quite some time now, I am-- and have always been-- a girl.

I apologize to anyone who feels that I've lied to them or deceived them. I'm sorry.
I hope this won't lead any of you to think differently of me, but that may be asking too much.

Good night.

[She hits send, and immediately regrets doing this at all. Oh god, this was a mistake.]

Comments

[livingdeadgirl]

oh! ok that clears that up
tbh i wasnt sure but i didnt know how to ask
thanks for letting us know! :)

[truedetective]

Oh. Well, you're welcome, then. I do admit I made a rather... feminine boy? For obvious reasons. Though to be perfectly honest, even before that, I was a boyish girl. And will probably continue to be one. I think my visual tastes just tend towards androgyny.

[livingdeadgirl]

and thats perfectly fine!
ive always been super girly but obviously thats not for everybody
the important thing is to live your best life
and be comfortable in your own skin

[truedetective]

Well, yes. I agree. With all of that, actually. I think I'm going to try that, now. Being comfortable with who I am, instead of pretending to be something that I'm not. I've never identified or seen myself as anything but a woman, only wished that weren't so. But it is. So I should... at least accept it?

[livingdeadgirl]

makes sense to me
although
do you mind if i ask why you felt that way?
not wanting to be a girl i mean
if not thats fine too im just curious

[truedetective]

I don't know how comfortable I am getting into the specifics of what spurred it on. Largely because I'm starting to believe, in retrospect, that they were foolish and juvenile. But to try and sum up... I dreamed of being a detective, like my father and grandfather had. I knew the world of the police was dominated by men. There were no hardboiled women detectives in the books I read and movies I watched. It seemed very... limiting, my gender. If I weren't a woman, it'd be easier to do what I dreamed of.

[livingdeadgirl]

ah ok
so it felt like an obstacle

[it doesn't take any great leap of logic to see where her thought process could have gone from there. "if being female is an obstacle to your greatest desire, then pretend to be male." but that couldn't have been easy to do, or to keep doing indefinitely.]

if it helps though
i dont think that sounds foolish or juvenile
it sounds to me like you perceived a barrier to your dream
and you decided to overcome it!
which is admirable in itself imo
even if you later decided to try it a different way

[truedetective]

Thank you, I think. That is to say, I appreciate the words. But I'm trying not to second-guess my decision right now, if that makes sense. That said, I can't really take it back at this point either way. But yes, that's largely correct. It seemed logical at the time. Whether or not it was... That's irrelevant now.