retrospec | A wish.

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A wish.

[ The Holy Grail. He does not recall exactly what it is, but from what he gathers from the brief memory with the "King of Heroes," it is something to wish upon. And Kei's other self would allow that man to "wish for death." What does that mean? No, he understands it simply, but there is more said and unsaid than he can unravel. ]

With all this business going on, some frivolousness ponderings might be an enjoyable distraction.

Well, then. If you could wish for anything, what would it be? [ A pause. Kei thinks of sending it like that yet he feels that may be too telling. Too telling of what? He's uncertain, but adds more to cover up his uncertainty. ] Though, with Valentine's Day is coming, most are thinking of just wishing for someone to spend that day with, hm? :)

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He seemed to open up more when I was negative.

And

He looked so sad

He just wanted to go home

I see. I should have attempted to find someone to be negative with him sooner.

Still rest assured, Atsushi. You're doing a great favor for me. The fact that he opened up to you means that he's relieving some of the stress built up. And it would seem like you understand why I asked you for it in the first place.

If you could continue to create a raincloud for him, I would be grateful. I'm not certain what I can do to repay you for watching over my friend, but I can never thank you enough.

I just want him to feel comfortable being himself.

I don’t need a reward, Shigaraki-san. I just want to help.

I want to make a difference to someone.

You are making a difference to me.

That is not lip service. I could send any number of negative messages to Howard, but without me being there, I cannot guarantee their effectiveness. As such, with you being there and helping him know that he can be comfortable and wallow comfortably in shadows, I am certain he will come home well thanks to you.

Thank you.

I’m not certain he’ll appreciate it if I help save the town, though.

But if I don’t, all these peoples’ lives will be ruined.

But then I might lose a friend...

You're welcome.

Howard really dislikes that town and its people. [ He smiles at nothing in particular as the writes those words. ] You have to choose, then. You have to choose to save the lives of the people that you may never see again, or the happiness of someone that you felt sympathy for. The happiness of one over the lives of others.

[He’s already handed the deed over to Oda for him to deliver to the village head...does that mean that what he’s set in motion could ruin everything?]

I don’t

I don’t want to lose a friend

But I might’ve messed up already

I don’t know what to do

That is unfortunate. If it is already done, Howard will probably feel a great amount of upset that the town will be saved. The people's lives will be well, but for someone who was forced to go and burn in the sunlight of everyone's expectations, he left with very little reward for all his efforts.

I would suggest telling him that you are sorry. I'd like to say that he isn't someone that holds grudges, but I cannot promise anything. This has been putting him in a situation that is far outside his comfort zone, but still I'm proud of him. I'm proud he worked so hard at a dream even if it failed to come to reality.

I'm proud of you, too. You lived up to your desire to help, and you helped out the people over a friend. That's quite commendable. [ LONG PAUSE. ]

That is to say you're doing a fine job and don't feel too guilty. I may be getting a little biting in my words because I would have chosen Howard's side, but there is nothing wrong with what you did.

[Atsushi is feeling so many conflicting emotions right now; guilt, sadness, anger, regret, fear, hopefulness. It’s almost too much for him to bear, and once again he’s crying, because that’s the only way he knows how to let it all out.

And then Kei says he’s proud of him, but not in a way that makes him feel good...]

I’m sorry, Shigaraki-san

I wish I’d never been sent here

There’s nothing to be proud of

[ He reads the response carefully and closes his eyes. This isn't -- it isn't what he wanted. Why is so much poison getting into his words? He will have to worry about that later. Kei wants to help people; that is what he wants to do. He wants to involve himself with others. To involve himself with others, he understands he cannot always give a positive experience to them, but -- but --]

You don't need to apologize to me. You didn't do anything wrong. You were sent there and you said that you didn't believe you could do anything. But you did something to save the town, didn't you? You saved those people and you fulfilled my request in looking after Howard for me.

You have been working very hard and been doing very well. There is quite a lot to feel proud about, Atsushi. If you put it all into words like that, you've done so much and you also helped me out, too, as I am worrying about my friend.

And so I owe YOU an apology. I have made you forget everything that you are doing and everything that you have done that has been good. That is not what I had intended. And so, please don't apologize or feel guilty.

[He’s not entirely sure that he’s capable of not feeling guilty, but Kei’s words do make him feel like what he’s been doing hasn’t been entirely pointless. Someone is proud of him for once, and he should be grateful, and he really is, but he might still need a while to fully realize his own value.]

It’s okay

To hear that you’re proud of me is

It’s the best reward

That might sound strange but

I don’t know, it’s nice to be praised sometimes

Then I am happy that I was able to think of a reward for you.

And so, that gives me an idea of how I shall reward you. You adamantly said that you did not wish to hurt a friend. That means that you made one other than myself out on your mission, then.

So, for all your hard work and for all that you sacrificed, I shall be certain to praise you properly when we meet face-to-face. I believe that will be a better reward for you than what I had in mind, anyway.

Yeah, I guess you’re right. I hope I make even more friends soon.

What else were you thinking of giving me?

I'm certain you will, Atsushi.

And I was debating that to myself. A few free meals sounded like that would go over the best.

I do love food.

I'm aware.

I may be kind enough to offer both food and praise. I don't know if that will be adequate to ease my own guilt about this whole situation, but it seems like a good start.

That sounds perfect, as long as you know you don’t have to.

I promise I’ll keep looking after Howard-san.

I do have to do it, Atsushi.
But I'm not doing it out of obligation.

Thank you. I know that you will.
I have complete faith that things will go well from here.

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A wish.

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