002; needs better life choices, action for dorms optional

[justchords]

(the feed opens to apollo propping up the camera to stay on something steady and remain unmoving before he shifts to sit cross-legged on his bed. there's a single beer at his side, only a little more than half empty, and apollo, who has the alcohol tolerance of a wet sponge, is already more than tipsy. for those of apollo's friends who don't live at the dorms, this is probably their first time seeing him in... a while! he greets the audience with a courteous nod and a tired smile. when he speaks, his voice is noticeably quieter than his usual booming chords of steel.) Hello. I'm Apollo Justice, and I'm going to teach everyone about Abraham Lincoln's lawyer days.

(he takes another swig of his beer, making a "mmm" sound and holding up a finger.) Since the last update from Retrospec kinda pissed people off, I'm giving a fair warning, I will be swearing. Hide your kids or whatever. So! (clapping his hands and rubbing them together, he prepares himself for a law history lesson. while intoxicated.)

Back in like the... 19th century or some shit, these two dudes, McCormick and Manny, were fighting over who invented some... thing. It was a big fucking deal. (he lazily waves a pointed finger at the camera as he struggles to remember the words, occasionally slurring them together, but throughout the video, he's not hard to understand.)

So then Manny went and hired some. Super fancy Philadelphia lawyers to settle the dispute, and they were Her... Hir... Harding, Stanton, and uh... Watson. There were other lawyers, too, but nobody gives a shit about them. (apollo simply waves off the thought of them, taking another long sip of his beer as he clears his throat to continue the story.) So Harding is all "we fucking got this shit, but we don't actually got this shit, 'cause we don't know anyone in the area!" (his tone for harding is rather snooty and uppity, like apollo is mocking the higher class, and he most certainly is.) They need a local. And they pick... Lincoln! Abraham Lincoln! He was a lawyer before he was a president, and that's like the coolest fucking shit. (this is where apollo gets excited, eyes shining and all smiles. this is the shit he lives for!!!)

But these fancy ass lawyers wound up being dicks, all like: (and here is where the snooty, mocking tone of said lawyers returns, sticking his nose in the air and all.) "Look at this guy, he's all like. Tall and gangly and shit. He doesn't even have a beard. Or a hat." They were just, I mean... complete jerks. Total assholes. The kind of person you want to punch in the face. And Lincoln at this point was kinda viewed as like... like persona non grata. Not the kind of dude you'd wanna be seen around in those days, even if he wasn't actually a bad guy, people were just judgmental as shit. (his face scrunches up as he gets to this part, waving a hand roughly and practically pouting.)

Then what wound up happening is the case changed from Chicago to Cincinnati, and these huge fucking dickwads cast Lincoln aside without even telling him, and just up and left! And since poor Lincoln was never told about any of this since none of the other lawyers liked him anyway, he just kept trucking on! He res... resurge... reshush-- (apollo pauses for a moment, almost nodding off until he sits back up straight and points very confidently and says slowly:) researched. And just kept going like fuck yeah, I'm fucking involved, I'm helping people. But don't worry! (this is the first time he's actually yelled during his entire monologue, his voice raising possibly enough to disturb neighbors at that volume as even he gets taken in to his own story.)

Lincoln found out the case moved! And you bet your ass he fucking booked it over there, found the hotel where all the big, upstart, fancy schmancy lawyers were camping out. But those assholes still shit talked him, calling him an ape man and insulting his appearance, saying he's gawky and dumb looking and an ape legged man. Ape legged. Yeah. (he repeats "ape legged" a few times, as if trying to determine if that was the proper word to use. he gets caught up in this for a moment, mumbling to himself. it takes him a moment of nodding off and drunkenly muttering nonsense to remember what he was even discussing, turning back to the camera.) Whatever, assholes insult Lincoln, Lincoln stays and watches the proceedings of the trial because that shit's valuable life experience, even if the people you look up to are dicks and just ignore you.

But Lincoln was so blown away by the trial! (his arms extend far outward as if imitating an explosion, his excitement returning.) Watching the proceedings and following the arguments and battles, it was like an ephiphi... epipi-- epiphany. It like changed his life. He was so moved that when he went back to Chicago, he studied even harder, like "fuck yeah, I gotta make some serious changes and get my shit together." And then, five fucking years later, the bitch becomes president! Of the United States! How great of an underdog story is that!! (he is definitely shouting now, and at least half of the dorms should be able to hear his energetic rants about cool lawyers.) And even fucking cooler, he made Edward Stanton, like the biggest lawyer asshole ever, his Secretary of War. (following this are explosion sounds as his hands fly away from his head, trying to show of a "mind blown" sort of feeling.) Stanton at least got better, because when Lincoln died, he was actually kinda cool-like and said "now he belongs to the ages". Lincoln was one hundred percent like, "fuck yeah, that shit's dope". No lie. Lincoln said dope, pass it on.

(finally finishing off his other beer, apollo gives a hearty thumbs up to the audience, looking ready to pass out at any moment.) Moral of the story, Lincoln was fucking cool.

Comments

[justchords]

(apollo will give an exaggerated bow in return, almost tipping himself over in the process.) I'm glad someone appreciated it.

[tarotcards]

I thought it was a masterpiece.

Have you thought about going into teaching?

[justchords]

Never. (and he sounds quite confident in this.) Kids suck. Got better things to do than babysit.

[tarotcards]

What about teaching on the college level? I'd attend your lectures.

[justchords]

I have to actually finish college first. And also, not have to go to school because I have to for the rest of my life.

[tarotcards]

Then would you think about tutoring?

[ look, souji's just trying to find an excuse for apollo to have another chance to "teach" history ]

[justchords]

Already do that. But parents have this whole thing about tutors needing to be sober. (hey, if apollo gets enough positive reviews, he'll do it again when he's stressed and ready to explode.)

[tarotcards]

Lucky for you, my mother isn't around and I am in need of a drunk tutor for my history courses.

[justchords]

You've convinced me. (never trust a drunk apollo, HE IS THE WORST, DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM.)

So, what part of history do you need help in?

[tarotcards]

[ DRINK MORE, APOLLO. DON'T LISTEN TO THE HATERS AND STAY DRUNK 24/7 ]

Does everything count as an answer? From the beginning of time to now.

[justchords]

(DO YOU WANT HIM TO DIE BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN.) Okay, at the start, there was nothing, then boom, shit happened and there was everything. Cells started happening, things started being made, creatures existed. Dinosaurs existed, then they didn't, the ecosystem changed a few times, people started existing, civilization started, people took over, wars happened, peace happened but less than wars, technology was invented, a lot of civilizations left, and other ones took their places, technology got even more invented, and now we're here.

(history of the entire world in 5 minutes, beat that, bill wurtz.)

[tarotcards]

[ YES, I DO WANT APOLLO JUSTICE TO DIE and for clay terran to live in his place instead ]

Sorry, I couldn't catch that. Could you yell that whole thing again?

[justchords]

(souji, you fucking.) No. I'm getting enough noise complaints as it is. Tell your parents to contact me, and I'll set up my time and fee.

[tarotcards]

[ :)))))))))))))))) also holy shit i just noticed the icon you just used for this entry, i'm fucking laughing ]

My mother is never available to contact anyone so you'll have to schedule your time and discuss your fee with me.

[ haha bitter resentment. anyWAY ]

Have you thought about going to the woods? That place is pretty empty and I can't imagine anyone would get upset if you start yelling there.

[justchords]

(i call it the angry turnip and it's probably my favorite thing in the world.) Okay, well, then contact me again when I'm not drunk or hungover, unless you want some bullshit fees. Also don't tell your mom about this.

(he does not understand a mother's wrath, but he'd rather not incur it.) Oh, yeah, let's have a completely wasted guy wander into the woods all on his own to scream. That's just asking for so much shit to go wrong.

[tarotcards]

[ please use it at every opportunity you get ]

You worry too much. If you like, I can go to the woods with you. I got a great golf swing if things go south.

[ he also has personas so you know, things that can set things on fire and heal, but golf swings are better ]

[justchords]

(i always try to.) ... are you going to murder me in the woods?

(HE'S PLAYED HORROR GAMES, HE KNOWS HOW THIS SHIT GOES!!!)

[tarotcards]

No, of course not. What makes you think that?

[ :))))))))))))))))))))))) ]

[justchords]

You said you're bringing a golf club to the woods for when I'm alone, that screams evil intent. (he does not trust.)

[tarotcards]

That's to protect you. You shouldn't jump to the worst conclusions.

[ listen to how happy and innocent his voice sounds ]

But all right, how about I bring nothing but just myself then?

[justchords]

I dunno. You sound like one hell of a weirdo. (it's not you, souji, it's him. if he was sober, he'd definitely trust you. but apollo when drunk is far more likely to listen to conspiracy theories.)

[tarotcards]

Says the man screaming history lessons over the network.

[ it's okay, apollo. you are probably making a really good choice not meeting with souji in person. he's probably get you to sign onto a subscription to his shitty magazine ]

[justchords]

I'm drunk. And you just hired the drunk man screaming history lessons. (but which is worse, getting roped into being souji's tutor, or subscribing to said shitty magazine.)

[tarotcards]

All right, so we're both weirdos. Isn't that even more of a reason for us to meet? Weirdos must unite and band together.

[ i hope apollo realizes that being roped into souji's tutor means that he will have to listen to souji talk about his shitty magazine to him all the time so that is probably the worse out of the two choices ]

[justchords]

Nah, you seem way too weird for me. (apollo has to make at least a few reasonable life choices during this conversation. he doesn't want to get a bad rep because of souji, after all.)