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voice| on the other (octopus) hand
[Usually Howard interacts with the network through text, since he's nervous of using any other format, but this time, his deep and weary voice can be heard.]
Um. A question out of curiosity, I-I suppose. If you've "received" a physical change through Retrospec, what was it? If you've received several, what is the worst one...?
[There's the sound of something falling off a table onto the floor. He lets out a shuddering sigh, his tone slightly exasperated.]
Yeah. [A pause.] Before I forget, I need someone who can go out and get some groceries for me. I'll pay you for it. I just don't feel like going outside for a while. I-I'm fine...really...............
[ooc: somebody's got tentacle hands now. life is fun!]
Um. A question out of curiosity, I-I suppose. If you've "received" a physical change through Retrospec, what was it? If you've received several, what is the worst one...?
[There's the sound of something falling off a table onto the floor. He lets out a shuddering sigh, his tone slightly exasperated.]
Yeah. [A pause.] Before I forget, I need someone who can go out and get some groceries for me. I'll pay you for it. I just don't feel like going outside for a while. I-I'm fine...really...............
[ooc: somebody's got tentacle hands now. life is fun!]
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So it is.
I suppose if you say that it is fine, so I should not worry.
And yet I worry a little.
Dismissing the point of the sunny personalities of others, I mean more about are you really doing all right?
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[He would lie if it was anyone else, but...]
[He lets out a long, tired sigh.]
No. I'm not.
audio.
I didn't think that you were, but I also don't like putting you too much on the spot when you already feel low. [ There is a half-laugh, aimed at himself. ] I'm afraid I cannot come to be at your side, and I am certain you will find yourself not wanting in groceries. [ A smile in his words. ]
But I am here. Didn't I say so? No matter what... I will accept you? [ Very subtle, Howard, asking about physical changes and not wanting to go outside. He pretends to not notice out of respect for him, but still lets him know his stance on things. ]
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[So Kei is right about that.]
I know you said so, but this is just... [He can't find the words. Overwhelming? Tragic, in how inescapable it is, that he has to wake up to find his own body changing, betraying his humanity?]
It's too much. [His voice goes low.] It's too much, Kei. I don't know how to deal with it.
[1/2]
Wait. Whenever he pleases? When would -- he decides not to ask himself that question. ]
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I won't give you placating comments like you will be fine. I don't know what is happening and so I cannot say that it is or isn't too much, either. But you aren't alone and you are not abandoned. The world is made up of numbers, didn't I say so? Most of those numbers are in your favor.
Take heart in knowing that your pained words do not go on deaf eyes, and that people will reach out to help you until you are able to carry the weight of what has happened.
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That's the point, I don't know if I want help. I mean, I guess I do. I want somebody to say that everything is going to be okay but...it's like...putting bandaids on an internal wound, isn't it? It's just going to get worse, Kei.
[Why does this all have to keep happening to him?]
I think I just want to deny it and keep living but things like this are stopping me from doing just that...it's not allowing me to...
private here on out, friends!
[ What he decides to say at first with the same feeling like a smile is wrapped around the words. ]
I was wrong to not tell you that things would be okay. It's not putting bandaids on an internal wound, but something that you wish to hear. I had thought the best way to comfort you would be to not say such a thing, but that is where I was wrong.
[ There is the slight sound, one can almost see him shaking his head. ] No, whatever is happening-- [ His eyebrows come together at the sound of the fumbling, uncertain what that could mean. ] -- you are not allowed to deny it. But you should be told that it will be all right. Because it will be.
If you lack confidence, take my own. Mine comes from knowing that no matter what people will reveal themselves to you. They will let you know who they are, and somewhere in their hearts, they will have to accept you. [ He pulls back as he realizes he's saying something untoward. His eyes look to the side. ]
So, I know it will be all right. No matter how much worse it gets the world will not allow you to not be part of it, but you've been given so much light by others. That light will ensure that you will end up cared for, worried for, and forgiven if need be.
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[There's a rustling sound - he instinctively leans forward to rest his head in his hands, but stops - he can't do that. His hands aren't shaped for that anymore.]
Do I even deserve light, Kei...? Maybe this is all happening for a reason. I don't know what reason, but...it can't be a good one.
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Perhaps, it won't. [ A beat. ] But that's unrealistic. Everything has an end. What will eventually change are your feelings and response. I would rather that you not become apathetic, however. I would rather that you not cease caring. I think something important would be lost if you gave up.
[ Another pause. ] If you don't want it, you can always rid yourself of it. [ There is warmth in his words, more or less telling Howard that he won't. ] But it is not so much what we deserve. It is what we are freely given. If you feel you do not yet deserve it, but still want it, you'll need to reach out.
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[The temptation to simply give up is stifling. To just detach from the world, mind and soul, and let life take its course on him. Like a cliff beaten to pieces by an unending, cruel ocean...]
I don't know. I want it, but I don't. I just wish I couldn't feel so conflicted over it all. Why does it have to be like this...?
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[ Yet again he feels a smile around his own words. ]
Because you're human. A dismissive comment, I am sure, but no human can live without conflict or contradiction.
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[His voice sounds like, briefly, it's had the life completely sucked out of it.]
"Because I'm human". That's a joke. I'm almost beginning to think I never was meant to be that at all.
[1/3]
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Of course, you were meant to be human. No matter how much you change. Your humanity remains something that... it is something that is worth preserving and protecting. Even I think that way.
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...Not that I don't appreciate it, but at this point? It's becoming harder to believe.
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Indeed, you are not fairy. You're someone who has already proven themselves to be human. There isn't anything left to do but ensure you don't forget it.
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[Like imposter syndrome, he's starting to get the feeling that he just doesn't...belong.]
I mean...that's what I tell myself now. And I..I don't want to believe it...
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[ His voice is surprisingly forceful. If Howard becomes a monster now, what would be the point? He presses his lips together as he decides that isn't -- that isn't what he meant. ]
No one would allow you to slip away that easily. No one would allow you to believe in the lie that you were pretending all this time, either. So, cease feeding yourself such unbecoming nonsense.
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[He's a bit surprised of how determined Kei is to ward him away from this dark little corner of fear and doubt he's wandered into. Kei, who has cultivated that very same corner.]
I...but I...how can I deny all of this? My body...it's betraying me...
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[ It doesn't matter. It doesn't. Because-- ]
You are here with us. No matter what, you are still human. Those that have come to care for you... they will say the same. [ Yes. They have to. It isn't yet... it isn't quite yet right. Kei looks away. Yes, it isn't right to allow his friend to suffer. And he will protect Howard. Isn't that right? ]
I refuse to believe in a truth that you do not want for yourself. That is how much you mean to me as a friend.
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[Their care is a waste. It's like caring for a rock and believing it will grow legs when it never will. You like a man who is doomed to his core.]
If only other people's beliefs could make it real...I appreciate it all the same, though. You're very kind, Kei.
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[ A frustrated sigh. No. I'm not kind. There is nothing about my actions that can be considered so, but-- ]
So long as you can still feel appreciation for how much you are cared for... it means you aren't completely lost.
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[He sighs..]
I suppose. I'm not a lost cause...for now. I just have to keep going at it.
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