retrospec | [video] forward dated to 9/13

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[video] forward dated to 9/13

Ryoji Mochizuki shared a video.
09/13 near Apprassage

[ The video starts up, dark, silent. A bedroom, if an empty desk and neatly made bed and too many cardboard boxes count as a bedroom, and then the view flips over with a soft ] Oh. [ as the user finds the front-facing camera instead of the rear that he always uses on his phone. ]

Hi... It's been a while.

[ The bottom half of the screen blurs as Ryoji draws his knees to his chest where he sits on bare floorboards, phone in his hands. He doesn't introduce himself— doesn't need to, when his name is up there for people who don't know him, his face right here for people who do: the people he's recording this video for, whispers in an empty room. ]

I'm back. I know there are probably questions as to why, or how... and I can't really explain it well myself. But I'll answer the best I can, if you want to ask, texting or in person.

[ Ryoji sits up a little straighter now, looks a little more serious. This is what he meant to say: a confession. ]

But before that, I want to say that I'm glad to be back, however it happened... a second chance like this. I also want to be more upfront about myself, and there are things I want to say to a lot of people.

There was a time in the past where I was a monster: I'd hurt a lot of people, and I ran from all of that, hid myself away, and pretended it hadn't happened. The memories I've been experiencing, I kept the good ones close, the bad even closer, pretending they weren't real and that they have nothing to do with me. I thought... that it would be better to forget about all of that and return to a simpler time. Unconsciously, I think that's what I did. I went back to before everything happened, to start over, and do better this time. But I got it wrong. I made myself forget, but I wasn't forgotten...

[ He's rambling now, a little, so he turns his eyes away from the screen, staring off at something in the distance- it's the moon reflected in his eyes, only half. ]

There's somebody I still need to say goodbye to, but after that... I want to see so many of you. I owe a lot of "thank you"s and "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s, and I want to be with people again. I don't want to leave this world or its people ever again.

So... I'll see you guys soon.

( ooc: forward dated to 9/13 to give myself a buffer. replies can be via text, or an in-person if you want to fast-forward to ryoji showing up at your character's house/class/chance meeting at some cafe/hi roommates/he'll be finding people around town somehow. for his cr, please assume he checked up on them, whether it's handwaved or not! )

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[ there was no possible way this was real. then again, that was what keigo had been telling himself when he first heard about ryoji's death. it wasn't real, it couldn't be. but now... now that he can see his face, hear his voice, a flood of emotions hit him all at once. anger, confusion, relief, sorrow, anxiety. they mix together, turning into a sloshing mess in his head, muddy and unclear. he felt sick, he felt excited, he felt scared. what if this wasn't actually him? what if this was just another retrospec trick?

with shaky hands, he hastily types a reply, knowing that he very well couldn't ignore the post entirely. ]

is this real

it's real

[ he texts back, thumb hovering over the enter key for a moment before he sends the message. It's real. He's real. But like many things, just hearing doesn't make it so— the undeniable proof would be seeing, touching, being there, and so he follows up with ]

hey, we never got to eat sans rival, right? i'm feeling up for something sweet

[ it's bizarre. actually, more like unnerving; that he can just jump right back into something so casual, to suggest something like getting cake after all the emotions keigo had released, after the piledriving of the century had been unleashed on his heart and soul.

he wanted to tell ryoji so much. but text simply wouldn't do. ]

where are you i'll come to you

home
do you know crimson crest? i'll be outside

i'll be there shortly

[ admittedly, keigo had already been getting changed in the middle of texting ryoji, though it had been a haphazard affair. he took one last cursory glance at himself before he darted out of the dorms and towards ryoji's apartment complex.

he never ran so fast in his life.

he contemplated waiting for a bus to take him there, but the distance was short enough that going on foot seemed preferable. it didn't really matter, either way, since keigo arrived fairly quickly, slowing to a trot as he came up upon the complex.

he felt a presence before he saw him, a jarring sensation that pulled at a part of him he had no idea he even possessed. it staggered him slightly as he stopped outside the gate, pressing a hand to the nearby concrete. it felt... familiar. but, what mattered more was actually seeing him.

there he was, as plain as day, but to keigo, he was more like a shining beacon, far from ordinary. his eyes watered and his heart wrenched, the last few moments he could remember spending with ryoji seeming like an eternity away. all the things he'd wished he'd said to him, the things he wished he'd done, bubbled up to the forefront of his mind, shoving nearly everything else away. there was no room for all the horrible memories keigo had regained, for all the pain they had caused him; they were but an afterthought when he saw something as simple as his friend standing there, waiting for him.

keigo was certain ryoji had seen him by then; he hadn't made any attempt to conceal his arrival, walking in slow, stunned steps. each time his foot hit the ground, it was like everything became brighter; by the time he was a few yards in front of ryoji, keigo was certain he'd go blind. but that'd be fine by him; he would readily trade anything for that to stay his reality.

ryoji was alive.

keigo's voice was weak, raw from the stress of the past few weeks. his eyes were red-rimmed and tired, glossy with tears. he breathed out a laugh, stopping just short of outright hugging ryoji. restraint never came easy for keigo, but in this case, it would be worth exercising some patience. ]

Y-you're... you're here. You're really here.

[ It's really him, he's really here. At first, Ryoji wasn't sure, with the slow steps that Keigo takes down the sidewalk, the way he'd run here as if life depended on it, and then slowed, as if wanting to stop time itself.

If he had known what light Keigo sees around him, that would be what'd make Ryoji freeze where he stands on the steps leading up to the building, especially when his existence is death, darkness, the quiet with which he'd been pressed against the door frame while he waited. If anything, Keigo is the light that makes him straighten up and his feet move forward without thinking— more than words, it's the laugh, even if it's short and out of disbelief, it's what makes Keigo Keigo, and it makes Ryoji want to cry and laugh at the same time. Like when they'd first met, all he wanted was to hear Keigo's laugh again, and now he's come to give he just that.

If Keigo won't, then he will be the one who steps forward first, choking back tears as he buries his face in Keigo's chest and pulls him into a hug. There's no patience here. He's already waited too long. ]

[ keigo never placed a great deal of importance on himself in reference to other people. he had often fallen quite comfortably into a certain niche: the acquaintance, the friend you called to have a bit of fun with and then part ways for weeks, if not months, at a time. keigo never felt any real deep connection to anyone not related to him (besides renji, naturally), so it was downright overwhelming to befriend someone like ryoji.

ryoji, who came towards him without pretense, with tears in his eyes, to break that unseen barrier that keigo had no idea he had constructed. the hug was so sudden, it jarred him, a foot pressed back behind him to ground his posture. he was dumbfounded. the emotion was palpable, overwhelmingly so. keigo had been fighting back tears already, but feeling ryoji's face buried to his chest was the final piece to the puzzle.

keigo broke down.

with a soft sob, he coiled his arms around ryoji in a hug that bordered on greedy, holding him close on the off-chance he might disappear again. it could just be a dream. it could just be another trick or a rip in reality. but keigo didn't care. even if it was, he could appreciate the chance to do this, to have ryoji near him once more.

through his tears, however, there was joy. he couldn't stop crying, but he also couldn't help but laugh a bit. a shaky sound, bogged down by the weight of his tears and sorrow, but mounting in strength the longer he stood there with ryoji in his arms. ]

You're here...

[ he repeated again in a whisper, squeezing his eyes shut as he rested his face against him. ]

[ No... Ryoji can't help but laugh in the absurdity of it all, fully prepared for weeks of skirting around people, unsure of how to approach them when all he believes he'll see is questions and worries on their faces. But Keigo comes to him with tears and laughter, receiving him with open arms and confirming that he's here, he exists, right here and right now and nothing else matters. ]

Yeah. I'm here. [ Those were words he used to say that were full of promise: he'll be here, whenever somebody needs him. ] I'm back. I'm- [ he swallows, pulling back away from Keigo. ] ...real. This is real. This is reality, right? I'm back, in Recollé, and nothing's going to tear me away again...?

[ perhaps it was selfish of keigo to want to keep ryoji right there against him, as if he could shield him from any further harm, but even in his emotional state, he realized the absurdity of that fantasy. it wouldn't matter if he tried his hardest, something could happen at any moment. for all he knew, he could be the next one to be killed and...

...well, he couldn't dwell on that now. his feelings weren't the centerpiece of this reunion; it was a shared stage. and that meant that keigo would eagerly help ryoji through his own emotions as best he could.

though ryoji pulled back, keigo's hands remained upon his arms, almost fearful of letting him go entirely. still, he held a bittersweet expression at ryoji's questioning; he was so happy to see him, naturally, but so pained to hear him fearful and uncertain. this one, who always came to keigo with nothing but absolute certainty and confidence... it hurt to see his view so shattered.

keigo would try to mend it, or at least whatever bit of it he could. he'd do his part for him, just as he was certain everyone else would. perhaps a bit boldly, he reached forward and swept his fingers against ryoji's cheeks, whisking the tears away. he couldn't help it; the doting nature he possessed overrode any real semblance of restraint any longer. he smiled through his own tears, nodding as assuredly as he could manage. ]

You're real. We're real. [ said more for himself than for ryoji, in all honesty. ] I can... I can tell, I think. [ he wasn't exactly sure how to describe what he was feeling, but he would try his best. ] It's warm... and familiar. Almost like a blanket. [ he laughed sheepishly, shaking his head. ] I'm not makin' much sense, am I... Sorry...

[ Ryoji bites down on his bottom lip at the words, feeling more pressure than pain for the numbness he feels, one that gradually thaws as he grounds himself in Keigo's voice, the warm of Keigo's hands on his arm and then his cheek, and Ryoji lifts his hands to hold them there by his face. ]

Like a comfort blanket. That's what a hug always feels like to me, but warmer, and with the assurance that things will be alright, because the presence of another person promises that.

[ It feels like he's dreaming, but he knows it isn't a dream. Because it's rare he has happy dreams, and right now, that's what he feels again: happy. ]

[ keigo wasn't sure what to expect any longer, in a general sense, but with ryoji in particular, anything was possible. case in point, he hadn't expected for ryoji to take hold of his hands, but he was all too eager to do anything that might ease the anxiety he must have felt. and really, it helped keigo's anxiety, too.

it helped him enough to push him further, rather than let things hang where they were. he exhaled softly as ryoji spoke, a gentle expression taking over. what he said was sweet, but it didn't truly encompass all that keigo was feeling. slowly, he turned his hand a bit so that he could gently clasp at ryoji's own. the contact was a comfort for him, and it would help to feel it more directly as he geared up to explain himself. he still didn't understand everything that was happening to him, but he wanted to try. maybe saying it aloud to someone would help. ]

It's not just that. You... [ he sighed again, a bit more forcefully as a large pressure tried to take claim to his chest. ] Being near you like this... I can feel something. Like... a presence, maybe? [ he grimaced slightly, looking to one side. ] I guess you could call it some kinda aura. Either way, it's proof that you're real, that you're actually here.

It... makes me sound like I'm nuts, though. Sayin' things like that...

[ Ryoji stiffens at the mention of a presence, or aura; he'd probably be able to pretend it didn't happen, if he weren't holding Keigo's hands, his grip tightening, and then loosening until he's just holding onto Keigo's fingers. ]

...You can feel that? [ His other hand goes to his chest, pressing over where his heart should be. ] Thanatos.

[ He'd believe it if it were Thanatos Keigo were talking about, a terrible god of death that has made even his closest friends hesitate under the mere pressure that the Shadow exerts. When it comes to Thanatos, he always sees fear in the other person's eyes, or staunch determination; it's as if they don't even see him behind that mask.

Nobody ever describes Thanatos as warm and familiar, though; nobody laughs, and approaches, and gives him a hug. What is Keigo even seeing? ]

[ keigo hadn't meant to upset ryoji by making such an observation, but he also wanted to ensure that he truly understood the reasoning behind his words. he hadn't been saying those things for the sake of saying them, he had meant them, they held weight.

much like the burden of guilt held weight. as ryoji's grip faltered, keigo's only strengthened. not harshly, but firmly. his fingers held ryoji's hand, as if doing so would create enough of a bridge between them. something to support the both of them. ]

...I couldn't before. [ as if that would make ryoji feel any better. ] I just... sorta woke up one day and... [ he trailed off, closing his eyes. ] It's hard to explain. It's similar to your sense of smell or sight or somethin'... you just... have it. At least, that's what it feels like to me. I can't really describe how it feels other than familiar and warm.

Is that what it's called, though? "Thanatos?"

No.

[ What Keigo seems to be describing is a sense, feelings that comes to him when he looks at Ryoji, and for whatever reason there may be, he feels familiarity and warmth. There's no way that could be "Thanatos."

A small part of him hopes that what Keigo is feeling, is "Ryoji." ]

Thanatos is the embodiment of Death. I... am the embodiment of Death.

[ "death..." for whatever reason, the sentiment was heavier on him than perhaps normal. embodiment of death? keigo could hardly believe such an outrageous claim, and yet...

well, if ryoji was sharing, then keigo felt it was only fair to help ease the pressure by sharing something of his own. ]

I dunno. I don't... get that from you. But... I've also had memories where I've been in the presence of something that felt so much worse than that.

[ that man, with the black eyes, the menacing gait... keigo could feel his palms start to sweat just remembering him. ]

And I don't feel that level of malice and evil from you. I don't think I'd want to be this close to you if I could. Because... you're not Death to me. You're Ryoji.

...That really puts me at ease, thank you.

[ Ryoji can feel his shoulders relax with Keigo's words, with the fact that all he sees is "Ryoji," not death, or dying, or whatever terrible memories talking about this has dredged up for him. Something worse than Death, apparently, when Death is something everybody must face at one point in their life, and that one time is bad enough. ]

Death is what I am, but it's not all I am. [ And he doesn't like talking about it much, reaching up to rub at the back of his head and messing up his hair more than it already is. ] Did you have anybody to talk about those memories with?

[ in truth, perhaps keigo wasn't the right person to ask about these sorts of things. his views and his experiences, mixed with that of those memories he was regaining, weren't always pleasant. but ensuring that ryoji felt wanted despite whatever he might have felt or remembered, was keigo's ultimate goal.

it seemed to be working, to some degree, which brought a great sense of relief to keigo. he visibly relaxed, his shoulders slumping as he breathed deeply. ]

I want to do what I can for you. [ he meant that, wholeheartedly. ] But... [ he looked to one side, laughing nervously. ] No. I... don't really go into detail about the memories I get. I don't think I've...

[ he frowned as he looked off into the distance, letting those memories replay in his head over and over. ] I don't think I've told anyone the majority of what I remember.

[ Ryoji doesn't really know what he needs from people, nor what to ask for, so this is something of normalcy- talking, listening, lending a shoulder. ]

That's understandable, for difficult memories. I've always had Minako to tell everything to, because we appear in each other's memories and it'd make sense to consolidate what we know. But that's more like reporting and not... letting it all out. Sharing the burden, because it doesn't need to be just your own. I have maybe two or three other people who do that for me, and I'd like to be one of yours?

[ keigo never liked opening up about the deeper things he experienced, by virtue of never wanting anyone to worry about him. or, maybe more accurately, due to fear that no one would worry about him. it was easier to play a part than it was to be honest.

ryoji was making the opposite more and more real, however. harder to pretend, easier to be genuine. he gave a somewhat bitter laugh, directed more at himself than anyone else. ]

I don't have anyone like that. No one... no one I know has ever been in any of my memories. [ and that made him feel more alone than anything. ] But... if you want to do that...

[ he breathed deeply. ]

I don't know why you would, but I'd do anything at this point.

[ just to make sure ryoji stayed here. ]

You have someone like that.

[ Ryoji means to bring a hand to his chest and tap his finger there to emphasize that he would be there for him, but the rest of Keigo's words still his hand, and he lets it hang there. He'd been really lucky, he thinks, always having somebody by his side to confide in, who he knows without a doubt that she cares, to the point that she is the only familiar face in all of his memories, saving him from ever being truly alone. He would do anything for her, in return everything she's done for him, but with Keigo...

When he hears "I don't know why you would," he can't think of a reason either. ]

I would. Because I want to— because I feel like it. The reason doesn't matter, does it?

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[video] forward dated to 9/13

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