retrospec | [video] forward dated to 9/13

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[video] forward dated to 9/13

Ryoji Mochizuki shared a video.
09/13 near Apprassage

[ The video starts up, dark, silent. A bedroom, if an empty desk and neatly made bed and too many cardboard boxes count as a bedroom, and then the view flips over with a soft ] Oh. [ as the user finds the front-facing camera instead of the rear that he always uses on his phone. ]

Hi... It's been a while.

[ The bottom half of the screen blurs as Ryoji draws his knees to his chest where he sits on bare floorboards, phone in his hands. He doesn't introduce himself— doesn't need to, when his name is up there for people who don't know him, his face right here for people who do: the people he's recording this video for, whispers in an empty room. ]

I'm back. I know there are probably questions as to why, or how... and I can't really explain it well myself. But I'll answer the best I can, if you want to ask, texting or in person.

[ Ryoji sits up a little straighter now, looks a little more serious. This is what he meant to say: a confession. ]

But before that, I want to say that I'm glad to be back, however it happened... a second chance like this. I also want to be more upfront about myself, and there are things I want to say to a lot of people.

There was a time in the past where I was a monster: I'd hurt a lot of people, and I ran from all of that, hid myself away, and pretended it hadn't happened. The memories I've been experiencing, I kept the good ones close, the bad even closer, pretending they weren't real and that they have nothing to do with me. I thought... that it would be better to forget about all of that and return to a simpler time. Unconsciously, I think that's what I did. I went back to before everything happened, to start over, and do better this time. But I got it wrong. I made myself forget, but I wasn't forgotten...

[ He's rambling now, a little, so he turns his eyes away from the screen, staring off at something in the distance- it's the moon reflected in his eyes, only half. ]

There's somebody I still need to say goodbye to, but after that... I want to see so many of you. I owe a lot of "thank you"s and "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s, and I want to be with people again. I don't want to leave this world or its people ever again.

So... I'll see you guys soon.

( ooc: forward dated to 9/13 to give myself a buffer. replies can be via text, or an in-person if you want to fast-forward to ryoji showing up at your character's house/class/chance meeting at some cafe/hi roommates/he'll be finding people around town somehow. for his cr, please assume he checked up on them, whether it's handwaved or not! )

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[ Almost instantly his expression falls to the sound of his voice... Whatever resolve he had to control himself dissipates as he takes steps closer and Morrigan follows, a little spooked to see someone he hasn't seen in a while. There's something different about him, probably how he smells. For now, the black and white cat keeps his distance, eyes on him as cat tries to... hide... somewhere.

What he really wants to do is smack Ryoji upside the head, but he finds himself dropping to his knees so he can wrap his arms around his friend for a secure almost suffocating hug. He's not sure what it is—elation or pain—that swells in his chest as he buries his face into Ryoji's shoulder. ]

We've missed you... [ Between his words, he squeezes him a bit more. ] Welcome back.

[ He has read the post more than once, but the contents itself didn't unsettle him. A monster is the least of his worries. ]

[ For the second time in a mere few seconds, Ryoji is surprised into silence. A hug wasn't what he'd expected with that declaration, but the warmth in his chest burns white-hot at it, at the welcome, the "we," the fact that their cats are here... Somehow, it doesn't seem so long ago that they were like this. Ryoji's hands find Akira's back as he pulls him close, and he drops his chin onto Akira's shoulder. ]

I know. You've been taking care of me all this time, and you've never stopped looking. [ It's not just hope or wishes; Ryoji knows. He was there, he remembers when Akira first entered that hospital room, and when he'd been been followed home, and how Akira would look at him a certain way as if hoping for something. ] I know.

[ At first, there's a stir of confusion because how did he take care of Ryoji? How does even know that he was looking for him? But a light bulb flickers in his mind. There was only one person he told that he was looking for a friend. This moment has only taught him to not lose hope even if there's a voice that tells him otherwise... It only prompts another squeeze—it may even kill him if he wasn't Death already. ]

Yeah... You were a handful. I even got a stepladder, but it doesn't seem like you need it anymore?

[ But Akira does consider something... Pulling back a bit and peeling Ryoji off, he places his hands on his shoulder while he tilts his head. Hmm. ]

Were you always this short? Maybe I'll take back what I said.

[ Stop that, Ryoji's trying to have a heartfelt reunion here!!

But he never seems to appear very short seeing as he's always walking about with a hop in his step and eyes to the sky, but if I model his height off p3protag instead of leggy movie Ryoji, then yeah, he's short. Not being able to die means not being able to live— to grow older or get taller— so in a way, Akira's right. He's always going to be this short.

Thinking about that is sort of saddening, so instead, he answers Akira's cheek by silently reaching up, clamping his own hands down on Akira's to hold them there, and flopping onto his back. ]

[ Give him a height, Card. Otherwise, Akira is teasing, just trying to show that he missed him—through bullying. It comes with a couple of snickers here and there, but he stops when his friends takes his hands hostage?! For some reason, there's a foreboding air... It feels like the tables will be turned on him and there's not much he can do; he can only give his friend a pointed look.

Ryoji. Don't. But it's too late. Akira tumbles down like a domino, unprepared and betrayed. As betrayed as a human domino can be, but he's just wide-eyed as he blinks slowly. Lying here, it takes him a while before he attempts to pull his hands away. A little perplexed by this gesture, he formulates reason for it. ]

The stepladder will always be there for you. [ That's totally what Ryoji needs to hear. After a long and audible sigh, he puts jokes aside and rests here. ] And I will, too.

[ The thought bubble only whispers soft words: It doesn't matter what you are or were... You're not alone and we'll face all of it together. Quickly, Akira swats the bubble to hide all of that. ]

I wanted to say that out loud, but these effects stole my thunder.

[ Ryoji lies on his back, staring up at those words before Akira wipes them clean, and up at the low ceiling of his room after he does.

"It doesn't matter what you are or were..."

Pharos is easy to say that about because it's still him— a rougher, bitterer him who hadn't yet learned how to temper himself— but it's that guise who got people to accept him all the same. ]

...Are you able to say that out loud, without knowing all of what I am, or was?

[ He rolls to the side so he can also rest on his side, watching Ryoji carefully. He's almost scared of blinking, as if this moment or this person would disappear from his life again. While he would usually find that question silly, he can feel the weight in those words and in the atmosphere...

A monster. What does a monster mean? What kind of monster? ]

You're still you. [ And that's what matters to him, but— ] But you can try me—I do want to know you.

[ He would like to know the truth even if he says it wouldn't change how he feels about him and their friendship... It just seems sad and lonely to hold everything in. ]

[ There's seeing, and then there's knowing, and apart from even that, there's understanding. Ryoji draws himself up slowly until he's standing in this little space he calls a bedroom. He closes his eyes, and calls for Thanatos, who seems to form from the darkness all around and stands hunched over his friend.

It'd taken Ryoji months to stop hating Thanatos, months to maintain control over this power without endangering everything and everybody around him, months to accept that this is also who he is, and that's just Thanatos by appearance. There's Shadows and Death and the Appriser and Nyx herself that he's seen and will someday become, there's the end of the world and something call the Fall and he's supposed to be a part of all of that.

How is that not supposed to change anything, learning this person you used to call a friend isn't a person, and isn't a friend? ]

[ Akira is floored by the sudden change. It felt like the shadows were dancing before they formed this being... This presence is unlike any he has seen—Sumeo-Okami, Robin Hood, Kartikeya—it's a figure of darkness and it emanates death. Morrigan reacts appropriately and backs up, hissing out of fear. He could feel his blood chill over as the hair on his neck stand up, but he forces his body to rise only to not meet his friend's height at all. Eyes wide, he can't tear himself away from looking up and even taking a step closer. For some reason, he feels a rush, as if this being is challenging him.

It takes him a while to get used the pressure and ghastly aura, he opens his mouth only for no words to escape. His throat even feels dry, what the hell? Deep breaths... This is still his friend. It's the only resolve that forced him onto his feet and kept him from running away from the scene. ]

Is that also you, Ryoji?

[ It takes him a little longer, but his heart rate calms down and his shoulders slump. ]

[ The look in Akira's eyes brings his mind right back to all those months ago, and the memories still feel too soon: the fear, the defiance, the resolute acceptance that must be so hard and yet Akira continues to look him in the eye despite all of that. That's all the confirmation he needs, all Ryoji is willing to give, and so he calls Thanatos back into himself and returns to his human form which can turn his head away and not look Akira in the eyes. ]

That's also me. My other [ other other ] name is Thanatos.

[ He wants to crack a joke about how it must be nice to have three names, but he digresses. His muscles are still tense with a rapid heartbeat, but he shakes it off. All he can see his friend avoiding his gaze and he can feel a pang in his chest—it must be hard on him, living with a different curse than the rest of them. He should have received Ryoji better yet he definitely choked. ]

Thanatos. [ That's the personification of Death in some culture, right? He would be interested in learning a bit more, but... ] Would it be too much to ask you to change back?

[ Akira is probably insane. ]

[ The question startles Ryoji into looking back up. ]

I don't mind, but... why?

[ Is Akira insane. ]

[ He got Ryoji to look this way. That's good! ]

Don't question it.

[ Staring at him intently, Akira ushers him on to transform again. Maybe he likes the feeling of being near Death? ]

[ Hnn. If there's intention, then Ryoji will trust the Akira explains himself, through words or actions or comical thought bubble, so he obliges, stepping away and letting himself fall back to being Death. ]

[ Oh, the second time isn't as distressing, so Akira gets a good look of Death once more. In a way, it's as magnificent as all the other ethereal beings he has seen, but... Those thoughts are put on the back-burner.

What he needs to do and does is give Thanatos a hug. There you go. It comes with a big squeeze very similar to earlier. ]

That was it.

[ Pats back. ]

What—

[ the heck are you doing, Akira. He bites back the rest of whatever distressed little noise he was making, feeling less like Death and more like a little kid in a Halloween costume. ]

Can't you hug me when I'm not... this?

[ His thought bubble says "you look so cool even if it feels like hugging a teddy bear," but that gets Akira to bat it away into nothing with one hand. He's hoping he was fast enough for his friend not to read any of it. The other arm is still wrapped around Ryoji, Thanatos, Death, Pharos, whichever.

The confusion does receive a genuine laugh out of Akira. It's... refreshing. ]

I can hug you any time. What's the problem?

[ Even if the voice sounds a little different, it reassures him that this is Ryoji... ]

[ He sees "cool" and "teddy bear" and is so conflicted because Thanatos has never been described to him as cool, and his second favorite animal are bears, and it's a different problem than he was expecting— instead of him being thought of frightening and somebody to be avoided, the God of Death is being taken for a pet... or a friend.

asdfljkh

okay

Ryoji turns back to himself so Akira can see his pout, and then returns the hug, pressing his face into Akira's shoulder so he can't see. ]

The problem is that I can't hug you back when I'm like that.

[ A pet is very far from a friend, but he will overlook that thought process if it's ever brought up. Thanatos is very much thought of as a friend, a friend with an aura so terrifying it's cool. What Ryoji says kind of confuses Akira, question marks popping up in his bubble again as he rubs Ryoji's back.

Don't pout, friend. ]

Really? How come?

[ He's pretty sure Thanatos has arms... ]

Because...

[ Because motherfucking badass Thanatos Does. Not. Hug.

Because he's embarrassed, even though they're in his bedroom with nobody else to see or care and he still worries too much about what people think of him, despite a huggable image being much more preferable to a menacing one. ]

Because I can't feel your warmth as Thanatos.

[ Oh. Oh? Akira never thought about that. Does Thanatos not feel? Is pain, warmth, chill just nothing to Thanatos? That's quite interesting as he continues to hug Ryoji, maybe even swaying him side by side as he ponders a little longer. ]

That's unfortunate, but doesn't exactly answer the question. If anything, it's cruel to withhold hugs; I'm hurting.

[ It seems like Akira will continue to see Thanatos as cool as fuck and a teddy bear (knowing who it is, how can he not). ]

I should probably let you go visit all your other friends, huh...

If you want hugs, I'll give them to you!

[ As if Akira isn't hurting enough already, Ryoji squeezes back a little harder. Thanatos doesn't need to be a part of this, he can give hugs perfectly fine by himself, why would anybody want hugs from anybody else? ]

...but yeah, I should probably stop hiding here and go see them.

[ Thanatos is also you, which is why he wants hugs from that version of Ryoji Mochizuki, too. But that's fine. This is fine. Ryoji practically squeezes the air out of him which is evident in the little puff and wide eyes, but he pats his friend's back a little more heartily. ]

Go on ahead. Just remember to come home—we'll be waiting.

[ Akira has to wrangle the cats, but it's all right. ]

Mmhmm.

[ He lets Akira go, sitting back and staring at the wall opposite him. It's weird, remembering that despite losing everything around him, he does still have a home to go to, and it's one filled with warmth and smiles and so much life. ]

I won't stay out late, so be there to welcome me home.

I just have to trust you on that.

[ He remembers Ryoji saying he wants to live a full college life (which he assumes includes partying and staying out), but today isn't that day. At least he hopes so. Morrigan, at this point, is beyond spooked, so it's easy for him to scoop the black and white cat up. ]

I'll be there.

[ SHOO. ]

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[video] forward dated to 9/13

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