retrospec | [video] forward dated to 9/13

Ryoji Mochizuki shared a video.
09/13 near Apprassage

[ The video starts up, dark, silent. A bedroom, if an empty desk and neatly made bed and too many cardboard boxes count as a bedroom, and then the view flips over with a soft ] Oh. [ as the user finds the front-facing camera instead of the rear that he always uses on his phone. ]

Hi... It's been a while.

[ The bottom half of the screen blurs as Ryoji draws his knees to his chest where he sits on bare floorboards, phone in his hands. He doesn't introduce himself— doesn't need to, when his name is up there for people who don't know him, his face right here for people who do: the people he's recording this video for, whispers in an empty room. ]

I'm back. I know there are probably questions as to why, or how... and I can't really explain it well myself. But I'll answer the best I can, if you want to ask, texting or in person.

[ Ryoji sits up a little straighter now, looks a little more serious. This is what he meant to say: a confession. ]

But before that, I want to say that I'm glad to be back, however it happened... a second chance like this. I also want to be more upfront about myself, and there are things I want to say to a lot of people.

There was a time in the past where I was a monster: I'd hurt a lot of people, and I ran from all of that, hid myself away, and pretended it hadn't happened. The memories I've been experiencing, I kept the good ones close, the bad even closer, pretending they weren't real and that they have nothing to do with me. I thought... that it would be better to forget about all of that and return to a simpler time. Unconsciously, I think that's what I did. I went back to before everything happened, to start over, and do better this time. But I got it wrong. I made myself forget, but I wasn't forgotten...

[ He's rambling now, a little, so he turns his eyes away from the screen, staring off at something in the distance- it's the moon reflected in his eyes, only half. ]

There's somebody I still need to say goodbye to, but after that... I want to see so many of you. I owe a lot of "thank you"s and "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s, and I want to be with people again. I don't want to leave this world or its people ever again.

So... I'll see you guys soon.

( ooc: forward dated to 9/13 to give myself a buffer. replies can be via text, or an in-person if you want to fast-forward to ryoji showing up at your character's house/class/chance meeting at some cafe/hi roommates/he'll be finding people around town somehow. for his cr, please assume he checked up on them, whether it's handwaved or not! )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Her message is simple.]

What happened?

what part(s) specifically do you need explained?

Well, ideally all of it, to be honest.
Your perspective.

Did it have something to do with your alter ego? The one that I met in the forest?

all of it is... a lot
i'll start with your questions
i'm not sure it has anything to do with it. did i ever tell you its name, or what it meant? with that in mind, it probably has everything to do with this
but in the last few moments before i died, i couldn't reach it at all, it was gone the entire month we left the city

You told me it was Thanatos.
That it was a Shadow.

I have a better understanding of that term now.

so you know thanatos is the god of death
and that shadows aren't... really physical beings
they can disappear when defeated, but they can't die, i think

And that's why you're here?
Because there's a part of you that's a Shadow?

Is it, to you, like our Personas are to us?
Oh, I have a Persona of my own now, I should add.

more than that
it's all of me that's a shadow

what is your persona like?

Yamato Sumeragi.
Supposedly an incarnation of the traditional spirit of Japan, whatever that means.
Not nearly as straightforward as some of them.
Slightly more feminine than I would prefer.

How are you a Shadow? The few I remember don't look anything like a person, nor do they behave like one.
I apologize if that's an offensive question, I just legitimately don't see the similarity.

i'm not very familiar with the japanese spirits
yukiko would know, or minako

thanatos is a shadow
i am him
"ryoji" is just his guise, i suppose
as a person... i don't think ryoji is supposed to exist

That makes no sense.
Are you saying that "Ryoji" is to this Thanatos, what a Persona is to us?

sort of?
it feels a bit different than that, though
from what i know from hallucinomemories (has anybody thought of a better term yet?)
originally, my existence is that of a shadow
yukiko says that a persona is the same thing
ryoji is just a part of thanatos
i think the part that wants to coexist with people instead of dooming the world, etc.

Ami suggested "visions," which works just as well.
Even from that description, it would seem that-- assuming this is true-- you effectively would be a Persona.
Isn't that what a Persona is? The part of us that we display to others?

"visions" is a good term
and i suppose that's true...
it's funny, though
that the mask i wear is that of a human
while my true form is a monster
it feels like i'm lying to everybody

Are you lying?
Is this "you" any less real?

...no
this "me" is real
but it isn't all of me either

If the existence of our Personas has taught me anything, it's that any one facet of ourselves is rarely "all of" us.

Do you want to stop being Ryoji?

of course not
i've been ryoji all my life
this is who i am and who i've come to be
but if it were possible
i wouldn't mind not being thanatos

I can understand that perspective.
And I think it makes sense.

If it helps, I don't think you're the only person here to be dissatisfied with your other self.
Then again, I think you have more cause than most.

if my other self were just ryoji, that would have been fine...
what about you, naoto?
do you like your other self?

I don't know.
To be honest, she seems... not that different from me.
I'm not sure if that's reassuring or depressing.

why do you think it could be depressing?
for me, having similar personalities makes it easier to understand the other self
and that's a good thing

That is true.
But everyone else seems to be getting visions of a grand former life where they've been someone completely different.
Meanwhile, I'm still generally me, albeit in a different setting.

That said, I imagine these complaints are falling upon deaf ears at the moment, given everything you've been going through.

my plights don't make your complaints any less valid
think of it like this:
you're already living a grand present life
that's why they feel the same

I think my other self was a detective.
Not a junior intern. Actually a detective. And she wasn't any older than I am now.
So that is a slight step down.

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