ONE ― TEXT.

[puffing]

Bigby Wolf shared a photo. 2/15 near It Doesn't Fucking Matter

Disclaimer. DO NOT MESSAGE ME IF YOU INTEND ON FUCKING AROUND. Has anyone seen this wallet? Specifically last night from the hours of around 8:00pm to 3:00am in downtown Tisse. You'll know it's mine when you see the pictures of Jade and/or Elizabeth. Or, you know, the goddamn credit cards with my name on it. There's a reward for anyone that so happens to conveniently "locate it" and brings it back to me. Another disclaimer. DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW THE FUCK IT WAS LOST IN THE FIRST PLACE. Thank you for your time.

[ anyone who was with Bigby last night (hopefully adults...) will probably know how and why he lost his wallet. he got drunk. no one will likely know that Bigby is currently dealing with the worst hangover imaginable. that is because he texts like this all the time.

please feel free to "not ask questions" or message him to "not fuck around". ]

Comments

[hjack69]

Jack Dawes dont be jealous bigby you know ill always have eyes 4 u

[ excuse with your rumor mongering?? ]

[puffing]

Bigby Wolf Your name and face appears way more on my phone than what I'm comfortable with.
Bigby Wolf Gonna impolitely ask you to cease typing altogether.

[hjack69]

Jack Dawes you know for " impolitely " asking that was actually pretty polite
Jack Dawes if im keeping you from work i can always send you a selfie instead so you can remember me always

[puffing]

Bigby Wolf Please don't.
Bigby Wolf It's actually a reoccurring nightmare that I'll wake up or turn my phone on to see you've sent me nudes.

i'm so fucking sorry for this omg

[hjack69]

[ attached. ]

definitely saw this coming

[puffing]

Bigby Wolf Yep. That'll do it. I'm officially living my goddamn nightmare.
Bigby Wolf God, you are the most awkward, fucked up homewrecker I've ever come across.

[hjack69]

good luck finding your wallet
hope i didnt ACTUALLY put ACTUAL nudes in it while in a drunken stupor
have fun

[hjack69]

actually attn everybody this is for my man bigbys eyes only
no one else deserves the glory of my selfies
except ardyn maybe

[ belated ass-covering....... ]

[daemonized]

What, only "maybe"?

[how will Bigby ever survive these two??]

[hjack69]

well youre a very busy man i wouldnt want you to get too distracted by my glorious good looks

[ bc Bigby isn't busy at all. nope. ]

[daemonized]

Well, if that "maybe" was out of consideration, then I can forgive it.

The glasses suit you, by the way.

[hjack69]

you think so?
mostly i wear em for reading and teaching but im glad to hear it i continue to look good in absolutely everything
i noticed youre not complimenting my impeccable abs wtf is up w that

[daemonized]

Jack, your abs are like sculpted marble.

Better?

[hjack69]

better
now compose an epic poem about my abs
in limerick form

I hate u

[daemonized]

Jack's abs are wrought from a dream
In the glistening sunlight they gleam
Perfection at hand
A god of a man
Only the jealous would call it obscene

i don't have time to do any of these other tags so have this

[puffing]

GET THIS BULLSHIT OUT OF HERE
my god it's like you assholes don't know how to be properly hungover or something

[daemonized]

And if I choose to nurse my hangovers with [bad] poetry, who are you to judge?

[puffing]

I'm the judge, jury and goddamned executioner.
So this is me killing this conversation about Jack's abs.
You keep feeding him and the next picture will be more south.
Think of the kids.

[hjack69]

what are you jealous i can limerick too
in fact heres one just for you biggs

there once was a man from nantucket

[puffing]

WHY AREN'T YOU FUCKING SLEEPING OR IN A GUTTER SOMEWHERE
JESUS

not sorry

[twelfthspark]

So like

Are you going to make out or what?

[daemonized]

I'd never shatter the lingering mystery by /telling/ you. I'll leave your imagination to do the work.

[hjack69]

i will have you know ardyn and i would conduct our possible romantic congress in private like good decent people if we are or arent doing that

i'm fucking crying

[hjack69]

just what i needed today darling ty

i regret everything

[daemonized]

I'm here all week, to soothe hangovers the world over with flattering limericks.