004. Text // the world is an ashtray, we burn and coil like cigarettes

[manufactured]

I know there have been questions related to this sort of thing before – questions regarding people who serve a recurring position in our memories, people that were clearly important but that we've never met in this lifetime. People that we know intimately without directly knowing them at all.

For those who have experienced that sort of person... Have you begun to miss them, as time goes on? Or does it just feel empty in some way, for lack of a better phrase – as though you should care about these people, but inexplicably do not?

Are you somehow fonder of them now than you were in your memories, after having gotten to experience them with some distance between you as opposed to living in the moment with them?

I suppose there's some irony in spending the turn of the year dwelling on something I never had in the first place, but then, no one ever claimed anything Retrospec brings on is convenient in any way.

Comments

[mr_fancy_car]

There are two people I should have known since elementary school and who seem to have stayed with me until adulthood, but I have not seen them around here at all.

I don't miss them, but I do want to know more about what roles they ought to have in my life.

[manufactured]

Would you want to get to know them again, if you were given the chance? As people, outside of a matter of satisfying curiosity about your past life.

[mr_fancy_car]

They seem dependable. Mostly. And there must be a reason why they've been close to me for many years.

I would say yes.

[manufactured]

I suppose my other question is whether it's fair to actively want that sort of thing. I have several for whom the sentiment is similar, but being able to interact with them in any meaningful capacity would involve Retrospec meddling in their lives.

Perhaps the tradeoff would be worth it, for some of them. But I'm not altogether certain.

[mr_fancy_car]

Retrospec is not something I would wish on anyone. But think of it this way: being able to interact with them is the silver lining to them receiving Retrospec.

[sunnyspot]

It's been a while. Thanks for responding to my post a few months ago.

Back then, I felt more like something was missing. Like I knew how important that person was to me, but couldn't reach them. But I've kept getting memories since then, and they're starting to feel more real.

I'll probably never meet them. I haven't seen them around the city at all. But I can't say that I don't feel drawn to them, after remembering what I have. I guess it's something like that.

[manufactured]

It was a good question, and it most likely goes without saying that it's been on my mind since then. Not on a constant basis, but off and on, occasionally.

I've been experiencing something similar, however - with the people that I knew back then seeming to become more real to me. I suppose that's why I'm posting this now; I doubt I'll see them again, and in my case, I'm not altogether certain that I want to.

Granted, in my case, I think part of it also comes down to wanting better for them. Not necessarily fondness, but the knowledge that they didn't deserve what they received.

[sunnyspot]

It was on my mind so much that I couldn't help asking. I'm sure it's the same for you.

If I remember right, you said that your memories weren't very pleasant. If it were like that, I wouldn't want to see the people in my memories either. But... it isn't like that for me. If I saw them on the street, I don't know what I would do. I think I'd be desperate to call out to them.

It probably doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry that your memories have to be that way. Is it okay to ask if your memories have been linear or not? It might be worth not abandoning the hope that things get better, unless you know for sure.

[manufactured]

I don't mind answering questions; I wouldn't bother putting myself out here in the first place if I did. They haven't been linear in terms of how they've been coming back, but I have reason to believe that the timeline I'm following is close to an end in a few of them. Either because I'm no longer capable of forming proper memories for certain reasons, or because I'm about to die. Some of the people I've been thinking about lately are likewise deceased; I know that much for certain.

It's good to know that yours aren't like that, however; I've made my peace with my own, but I understand that it isn't going to be like that for everyone, to say nothing of how pleasant memories likely bode far better for your world and its reconstruction, assuming that whatever Retrospec has to say on the matter is to be believed.

[sunnyspot]

I see... I'm sorry. I don't really know what else to say. It must be more painful than I can imagine to remember things like that and know that you can't do anything to change it. That, and I haven't heard of anyone who's stopped getting memories. If your timeline ends, you'll probably get memories to fill in the blanks in the middle... and have to be reminded of everything in detail. The fact that you've made peace with it is amazing.

It is a good thing, I agree. I don't really understand the reconstruction thing, but there are a lot of parallels in my memories, though details are different. I lost my hearing the same way in my memories, but at a different time. I look the same, for the most part. I'm around the same age as I am in most of my memories. But the people I've been remembering are ones I've never met before.

It's hard. When you remember things and start to feel those same emotions you did in your memories, it's hard not to have the same feelings toward those people.

[windeity]

interesting question.
but yes. there is someone i have a lot of memories of and who i have never met here, and i actually do miss her and wish i could see her myself.
the other thing is you have to wonder what would actually happen if those people suddenly showed up here. would they remember and want to get to know you, too, or would they be distant and weird about it?
i do not think fonder is the word i would use. mostly because i seemed pretty fond of her in my memories in the first place.

[manufactured]

In my case, I have more than enough reason to believe that if the ones I think about often were to show up, it would be more along the lines of "distant and weird" at best. Through no fault of their own; I wasn't a terribly pleasant person back then, to put it politely.

At the same time, I can't say that I wouldn't want to see them again, either. It's complicated, I suppose.

[windeity]

complicated is a great word for it. mostly because people i think are always going to be curious no matter what.
and even if you were not the greatest person back then...i think people would be curious anyway since it's not like any of us remember right away.
there is this other girl i remember. she's pretty crazy. like legitimately crazy, i think she maybe killed some people including me? (or at least walked me through a chain of events to die, but it worked out.)
but we were friends at one point. or something like that.
the point is that i would want to meet her and see how things were different here than they were there.
maybe the people you remember would feel the same.

[manufactured]

...That's comforting, actually. Consider it appreciated.

[Like, holy shit? You are kind of his favorite person right now.]

Some of the people that have been on my mind have been in a similar situation to what you're describing - they're people who have at best died because of me, at worst been directly murdered. So my thoughts on it are somewhere between wanting to see them again in some capacity, and at the same time...well. "I understand" is probably the best way to put it.

[windeity]

i can't say that i know how you feel since i have not killed people as far as i know, but i think anybody would feel a little awkward in that situation. so no problem.
i guess one of the things would be wondering if you (general you, not YOU you, but maybe also you you?) felt any kind of remorse or anything for what happened back then.
like yes, those people are technically not us but at the same time they sort of are.
if i ever saw her i would at least want to talk to her and get her feedback on herself, if that makes sense. and if it turned out she was not the person i thought then it would be my own decision to leave instead of having memories tell me otherwise.
but the second girl (the one i mentioned first so i think i did this backwards) is probably someone i would want to try and make things work no matter what kind of person she is.
why do you want to see them again? curiosity?

[usurpers]

it’s probably really hit and miss. we all know people really well in our memories, in some way, but how thats going to translate in this life is pretty up in the air.

[manufactured]

From what some have said, perhaps that's part of the draw - the fact that things won't be exactly the same here, that is.

[usurpers]

i wouldn’t want them to be.

[manufactured]

Unfortunate circumstances...?

[usurpers]

a lot of things involved.
i have people i miss sometimes, and it’d be good for them if they were here. but if it’s in the past it should probably stay there. i’m not going to chase after ghosts.

[playdolls]

I remember them, and I know what I should be feeling. Maybe I'm lucky not to.

[manufactured]

That's fair, and likely lucky entirely, yes.

[playdolls]

I'm meant to be the protector of a hive. A king's royal guard. Even knowing that,
without whatever ant hormones swarming through me, I feel a little unimportant without it.

[manufactured]

Along the lines of just...purposeless, or something else?

[playdolls]

What purpose is supposed to compare to what you were born for.