004. Text // the world is an ashtray, we burn and coil like cigarettes

[manufactured]

I know there have been questions related to this sort of thing before – questions regarding people who serve a recurring position in our memories, people that were clearly important but that we've never met in this lifetime. People that we know intimately without directly knowing them at all.

For those who have experienced that sort of person... Have you begun to miss them, as time goes on? Or does it just feel empty in some way, for lack of a better phrase – as though you should care about these people, but inexplicably do not?

Are you somehow fonder of them now than you were in your memories, after having gotten to experience them with some distance between you as opposed to living in the moment with them?

I suppose there's some irony in spending the turn of the year dwelling on something I never had in the first place, but then, no one ever claimed anything Retrospec brings on is convenient in any way.

Comments

[windeity]

interesting question.
but yes. there is someone i have a lot of memories of and who i have never met here, and i actually do miss her and wish i could see her myself.
the other thing is you have to wonder what would actually happen if those people suddenly showed up here. would they remember and want to get to know you, too, or would they be distant and weird about it?
i do not think fonder is the word i would use. mostly because i seemed pretty fond of her in my memories in the first place.

[manufactured]

In my case, I have more than enough reason to believe that if the ones I think about often were to show up, it would be more along the lines of "distant and weird" at best. Through no fault of their own; I wasn't a terribly pleasant person back then, to put it politely.

At the same time, I can't say that I wouldn't want to see them again, either. It's complicated, I suppose.

[windeity]

complicated is a great word for it. mostly because people i think are always going to be curious no matter what.
and even if you were not the greatest person back then...i think people would be curious anyway since it's not like any of us remember right away.
there is this other girl i remember. she's pretty crazy. like legitimately crazy, i think she maybe killed some people including me? (or at least walked me through a chain of events to die, but it worked out.)
but we were friends at one point. or something like that.
the point is that i would want to meet her and see how things were different here than they were there.
maybe the people you remember would feel the same.

[manufactured]

...That's comforting, actually. Consider it appreciated.

[Like, holy shit? You are kind of his favorite person right now.]

Some of the people that have been on my mind have been in a similar situation to what you're describing - they're people who have at best died because of me, at worst been directly murdered. So my thoughts on it are somewhere between wanting to see them again in some capacity, and at the same time...well. "I understand" is probably the best way to put it.

[windeity]

i can't say that i know how you feel since i have not killed people as far as i know, but i think anybody would feel a little awkward in that situation. so no problem.
i guess one of the things would be wondering if you (general you, not YOU you, but maybe also you you?) felt any kind of remorse or anything for what happened back then.
like yes, those people are technically not us but at the same time they sort of are.
if i ever saw her i would at least want to talk to her and get her feedback on herself, if that makes sense. and if it turned out she was not the person i thought then it would be my own decision to leave instead of having memories tell me otherwise.
but the second girl (the one i mentioned first so i think i did this backwards) is probably someone i would want to try and make things work no matter what kind of person she is.
why do you want to see them again? curiosity?

[manufactured]

Pure selfishness, if I'm going to be blunt. In the case of all but one of them, they're people that I recall being fond of, before things changed for some reason that I still haven't recalled in full - I understand the reason why things ended as they did, given that our paths diverged rather violently beyond a certain point, but I've no idea what caused the divergence in the first place.

But I do recall being rather partial to them, before all of that.

[windeity]

i don't think selfishness is such a bad thing in this case.
we will be missing parts of our memories for a long time, so that makes sense.
if you were all partial to each other prior to everything changing it stands to say people would probably remember that at least and be open to it.

[manufactured]

[...john this is somewhere between "oh you sweet summer child" and "...that's good, actually", goodness lord.]

Assuming that they remember that first, at any rate. There's no guarantee that they won't remember everything else beforehand.

[windeity]

even if they did remember everything else first, there's always time for you to introduce yourself to them before they start remembering at all.
some of the people here were friends i made before i remembered how important we were in the other timeline.
and it sounds weird, maybe, but you can always have some influence over people that way by befriending them in this life.

[manufactured]

...That seems slightly underhanded.

Entirely valid, mind, but underhanded.

[windeity]

maybe. but at the same time i don't think it is underhanded to treat someone the same way you remember treating them in the past if you remember good things about them. it's just a boost in what is inevitable.

[manufactured]

I suppose. I think the primary difference, at least for me personally, is the knowledge that things eventually went poorly - in which "went poorly" is hideously understated - but on the other hand...really, that's fair enough.

[windeity]

good luck if you ever get the chance either way. i hope it goes well.