004. Text // the world is an ashtray, we burn and coil like cigarettes

[manufactured]

I know there have been questions related to this sort of thing before – questions regarding people who serve a recurring position in our memories, people that were clearly important but that we've never met in this lifetime. People that we know intimately without directly knowing them at all.

For those who have experienced that sort of person... Have you begun to miss them, as time goes on? Or does it just feel empty in some way, for lack of a better phrase – as though you should care about these people, but inexplicably do not?

Are you somehow fonder of them now than you were in your memories, after having gotten to experience them with some distance between you as opposed to living in the moment with them?

I suppose there's some irony in spending the turn of the year dwelling on something I never had in the first place, but then, no one ever claimed anything Retrospec brings on is convenient in any way.

Comments

[manufactured]

They were, at any rate.

As time goes on, I feel like I understand what I was trying to do, as well as the reasons why. Whether that's a good thing or not is questionable, given my actions back then.

[usurpers]

it’s perspective
and if you can understand it without acting out, that’s pretty big.
what was it?

[manufactured]

Bluntly put, I was a terrible person. The extent of it was more than slightly extreme.

[usurpers]

what was the reasoning at least? you said you understood why

[manufactured]

[...]

A good amount of what I remember of my past back then involves heavy amounts of betrayal, brainwashing, and not being permitted to have any semblance of free will or legitimate choices with regards to what happened with my life.

I was created for a purpose, and that was all I was ever going to be if others had their way.

[usurpers]

did they?

[manufactured]

In a way, I think so.

[usurpers]

what matters is your freewill here and now

[manufactured]

For the most part I agree with that, though Retrospec's presence in general makes the notion of free will at least slightly questionable, given the amount of control they're shown to have over our lives.

[usurpers]

they control our surroundings, not our will
they can’t take that from us

[manufactured]

And yet they can keep vital information from us, things that would alter our perception of situations or influence our decisions. It's a way of stripping autonomy, even if it's indirect.

It's how I was controlled before; it's not entirely dissimilar to what Retrospec is doing now.

[usurpers]

there needs to be a way to bypass that
if we search for more clues, there’s no such thing as a perfect defense

[manufactured]

There isn't, no. However, the problem with this sort of thing is that the defense doesn't need to be perfect - it simply needs to be enough.

[...]

There comes a point when the fault isn't on us for not trying hard enough.

[usurpers]

we don’t need to try, we need to do. as much as it takes.

[manufactured]

Enjoy setting yourself up for failure, then.

[usurpers]

i won’t
the only way to move is forward