004. Text // the world is an ashtray, we burn and coil like cigarettes

[manufactured]

I know there have been questions related to this sort of thing before – questions regarding people who serve a recurring position in our memories, people that were clearly important but that we've never met in this lifetime. People that we know intimately without directly knowing them at all.

For those who have experienced that sort of person... Have you begun to miss them, as time goes on? Or does it just feel empty in some way, for lack of a better phrase – as though you should care about these people, but inexplicably do not?

Are you somehow fonder of them now than you were in your memories, after having gotten to experience them with some distance between you as opposed to living in the moment with them?

I suppose there's some irony in spending the turn of the year dwelling on something I never had in the first place, but then, no one ever claimed anything Retrospec brings on is convenient in any way.

Comments

[sunnyspot]

It makes sense that it would veer off so sharply, given what you've been talking about. Thinking about it makes me wonder why everyone's memories vary so much, but I doubt there are any good answers, or any way to find out.

Um, well... I don't know if I have too much to say. It's a little embarrassing.

From what I can tell, I'd closed myself off from other people, and that person was the first one to reach out and try to understand me. The me in my memories isn't the exact same as I am, but I can relate, since I was kind of the same way. If they were here and did the same things, I'd probably fall for them all over again.

I guess it's like... Seeing someone smile like that because of me, even if it's not the same me. It's hard not to appreciate it.

...Sorry, I wound up typing more than I thought.

[manufactured]

...I think I understand, at least partially. My past life was very isolated, for most of it; even if there were others around, I was never close to them - I never had many opportunities for friends or caring about people, and after a while I suppose I stopped seeking them out.

However, I remember the first friend that I had, and the first person who told me they loved me. Not the same person, mind, different instances several years apart... It was something I didn't process well or know how to handle or care about properly back then, but it left an impression on me here.

They're two of the people I've been thinking about lately, why this post exists in the first place..

[sunnyspot]

It sounds like you understand more than you realize. The circumstances were probably different, but that's how I lived my life. I can't say I (the me you're talking to) didn't do the same thing as my memory self for a while.

I see... So that's why. We really do have a lot in common. Different people or not, it's hard to just forget or look past something like that. Seeing people express firsthand that they care for you, even if you weren't there... It only makes sense to feel something from that.

It's strange, isn't it? But I'd like to think it's important, too.

[manufactured]

It is.

Things are different for me here, thankfully. I've had those that I care about, people that are important to me, for a while now - though we've become far closer since Retrospec became involved in our lives. I was isolated for a while here as well, however, largely by choice; I think you're likely correct in saying that we have a fair amount in common on some level or another.

[sunnyspot]

It's funny how Retrospec brings people together. That's another common factor between us: I isolated myself by choice too. Mostly in Japan, but also when I transferred here. It's through Retrospec that I wound up talking to others by choice, and I found people who were willing to try to understand me.

I'm glad that you have people close to you. It makes a world of difference, it really does.

[manufactured]

I've found that it makes things infinitely more bearable, at least. Particularly when my past life was...well, everything that it decided to be.

Through curiosity, how have you decided to handle all of that? With regards to past lives and Retrospec. I know some are choosing to see their past lives as having been a different person altogether, and insisting that they should be kept separate from us in all ways; some are handling it a bit differently. How do you choose to see it?

[sunnyspot]

Honestly, I can't really decide what to make of it, even now. But thinking of it as a "past life" doesn't feel quite right... The years in my memories match up closely to ours, so it can't be reincarnation.

The best explanation I can come up with is that we're remembering alternate universes. Because these memories are too real - there are too many similarities, and everything's starting to bleed over. But the only thing we can say for sure is that this isn't just in our heads.

So I feel like my other self has to exist somewhere... I wouldn't call him me, but we might not be entirely different, either. It's complicated. How do you feel about this?

[manufactured]

I'm a bit more willing to believe that the person in my memories is me, in some way - if not precisely, then he was at some point. This business Retrospec has mentioned regarding our souls makes sense to me in some horrid way or another, as much as I wish it didn't.

I don't know; it's something that I've been trying to come to terms with in one way or another. I'm not certain how I feel about it overall.

[sunnyspot]

I don't know if it's better or worse that it isn't out of the question. But whatever the answer is, it's probably the same for all of us, even if our other selves all seem to come from different places. That, and it doesn't seem like any of us have remembered anything about Recolle.

Yeah... I understand. I don't think we should have to come up with a concrete answer now, but it's also not something we have the luxury to ignore or completely brush off, you know?

[manufactured]

My thoughts exactly.

I do intend to find answers, even if they end up being unpleasant; I think knowing for certain is going to serve us better than the alternative.

[sunnyspot]

I think you're right. It's easy to want to cover my eyes and ears and live on like we have until this point, but I'll try to follow your example.

Sorry for getting so personal, but I appreciate everything you've told me. Thank you.

[manufactured]

...No, it's fine. I've appreciated the conversation.

[sunnyspot]

I'll take your word for it. Thanks again.

Talk to you later.