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retrospec2018-02-07 12:50 am
livingimpaired) wrote in retrospec2018-02-07 12:50 am
A wish.
[ The Holy Grail. He does not recall exactly what it is, but from what he gathers from the brief memory with the "King of Heroes," it is something to wish upon. And Kei's other self would allow that man to "wish for death." What does that mean? No, he understands it simply, but there is more said and unsaid than he can unravel. ]
With all this business going on, some frivolousness ponderings might be an enjoyable distraction.
Well, then. If you could wish for anything, what would it be? [ A pause. Kei thinks of sending it like that yet he feels that may be too telling. Too telling of what? He's uncertain, but adds more to cover up his uncertainty. ] Though, with Valentine's Day is coming, most are thinking of just wishing for someone to spend that day with, hm? :)
With all this business going on, some frivolousness ponderings might be an enjoyable distraction.
Well, then. If you could wish for anything, what would it be? [ A pause. Kei thinks of sending it like that yet he feels that may be too telling. Too telling of what? He's uncertain, but adds more to cover up his uncertainty. ] Though, with Valentine's Day is coming, most are thinking of just wishing for someone to spend that day with, hm? :)
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1. I would want to know what my family was like - the one I was born into back then. I never knew them, and that person I mentioned to you ensured that I could never remember them even if I did know them at all. I'm curious about what sort of people they were.
2. I would ask about what happened to...what I suppose passes as a family of my own. I had a girlfriend that was pregnant when the relationship ended; I would like to know what became of that and of her. If she had the child or chose not to, if she found someone else, what happened to both of them.
3. I would also want to know what became of one of my subordinates. I suspect he may have killed me, in which case the question would cover what he did with himself after my death; otherwise...well, I haven't remembered killing him, but if I did and just don't know about it, I suppose I'm willing to waste the question.
I realize in writing them down like this that all of them are family-centric, including the last in an indirect way; I considered my closer subordinates to be more like family than anything, I believe. But on the other hand, it's what I seem to remember the least about; I didn't care enough for any of them back then to really bother making many memories with them, or to look into things when I had the time, so I believe there's no real way to know any of this without asking a third party. But even if it didn't matter to me back then, I find that I'm curious now.
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2&3. Do you wish them happiness? Or merely wish to know what became of them?
There is nothing wrong with family-centric questions. I certainly don't mind them. But since you are being honest, I should do the same with my own situation so it does not look as though I am looking down on you.
I have only my brother and nephew to call family. My relationship with my brother is abysmal, and we might as well call each other strangers. I don't mind it, because there is no helping old pain. That is the problem with scars that come from an emotional break, no one knows when they are healed or if they are healing or if they healed right. However, with my nephew, I can say that we may become less than strangers.
Anyway, you may not have cared then, but you do now. Is that you're truly seeking merely a connection to the world?
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2&3. It's more for the sake of satisfying my own curiosity than it is an interest in their happiness. Particularly in the case of my subordinate - after all, I do suspect he killed me. I'm not forgiving enough even in this life to be that invested in whether he sorted himself out after chasing me around.
I don't know if I would say that I'm seeking a connection to the world; were that the case, I'd think the questions would be more along the lines of whether my life had any impact on the world, or what became of it after my presumed death, or even whether anyone cared once I was gone. I know for a fact that I was alone for most of my life, besides. Not physically so, but in terms of relating to others. I believe things wouldn't have escalated the way they did, were that not the case.
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2&3. Not so forgiving, hm.
I apologize. I made my statement too broad. I mean a connection to people. The world that we experience is only what we preceive after all. The world my nephew lives in is different than me. The world my acquaintances live in is different than mine. I am only seeing a small portion of what they live. But in wondering, in wanting to be curious, it is wanting to be part of the worlds of others.
So you wonder and seek out something to fill in the gaps. It may be curiosity for curiosity sake but it is also wanting to cease being alone both in memories and in the present.
Even if that person killed you, even if you cannot forgive him, you still want to be connected to his world and not be discarded from it. I wouldn't call all desires for connection to be positive and soft in feeling, after all.
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It is another reason why I did this. My fun isn't in wishes since I have none but wondering why people wish for what they wish. If everyone ultimately has a reason soaked in goodwill whether they know it or not, it gives me hope.
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I suppose, in the interest of all of that, it's likely more through a desire to recover things that were lost to me. Relationships that either never had a chance to exist, or ended harshly and prematurely because of me. I have no right to know or care about what happened to any of them, in the end. Selfishness on my part, in the end, but it's ultimately better than what I would have wished for back then.
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The wishes that you had before were much crueler, so these sound relatively kind. Indeed, it would seem like no one would be able to answer what you're wondering, but you could find what you're seeking here.
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Do you really have nothing you would want for yourself?
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And no, there isn't anything that I want or wish for, Albert Wesker. Indeed, I could wish for this emptiness inside of me to fade and be filled with something, but I am not in any pain or discomfort. But I'm not happy yet I'm not unhappy. There's no reason to wish for change, because I'm not suffering.
I don't think anyone should live like this, but I also only know how I am living and know it is abnormal. I do not know how anyone else would be living in my existence, and they may find it more comfortable and "right." So you see, even wishing someone to not be like me isn't something that I really want.
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Indeed. I don't believe I'll be able to change my empty state, but I can change other aspects that surround the emptiness.
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It's the aspects that tell me not to get involved to any serious degree. I risk only the bare minimum of myself in anything and nothing of myself. It isn't that I'm lazy, of course. I'm quite the meddling person when I want to be, as you can see, Albert Wesker.
But I don't involve myself deeply in anyone's life, and that feels wrong to me now.
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A few memories returned to me.
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A woman died for my sake. I believe I wanted to save her yet I couldn't. It had me thinking that I'm not involved enough with others to see how cornered they must be feeling. [ Of course, he wanted to save her so that he could kill her himself. He breathes out a long sigh. Omitting the truth like this to someone who said he had killed so many people, indirectly yes, but still -- Kei feels the absolute cruelty behind his memories and in comparison to the hatred and lack of sadism behind Wesker's motivations, he'd rather not mention it. ]
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[Even if you don't particularly care about the woman that bites it, it's always an...Experience when they die for you, um.]
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That's why I feel a little shamed about my feelings. Ultimately, I'm attempting to do something good so that I do not witness such a thing, again. Yet your reasons for altering yourself is for the sake of something called "your own sense of humanity," right?
[ Even if he is an empty person, his morals are held firmly in place. He's lacked any sense of curiosity to seek out anything and so he's lived a nothing life that has neither completely benefited or ruined another person's life. It's the best he could hope for, and acquiring memories of calm sadism and cruelty filling in the emptiness -- he'd rather witness that only in memories and not in his current reality. ]
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I apologize if I have caused any discomfort with my assessment, however. I suppose I am feeling a little more biting than usual. This is a process.
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