retrospec | A wish.

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A wish.

[ The Holy Grail. He does not recall exactly what it is, but from what he gathers from the brief memory with the "King of Heroes," it is something to wish upon. And Kei's other self would allow that man to "wish for death." What does that mean? No, he understands it simply, but there is more said and unsaid than he can unravel. ]

With all this business going on, some frivolousness ponderings might be an enjoyable distraction.

Well, then. If you could wish for anything, what would it be? [ A pause. Kei thinks of sending it like that yet he feels that may be too telling. Too telling of what? He's uncertain, but adds more to cover up his uncertainty. ] Though, with Valentine's Day is coming, most are thinking of just wishing for someone to spend that day with, hm? :)

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It's too soon to know.

It isn't.
You only are accepting that you failed so that when you fail, you won't be hurt.

Maybe. But you sound sure of yourself. 'When I fail'? What if I don't?

If you didn't think you would fail, you wouldn't be questioning if your meal with your friend is a reward or not.

You went in halfway and so, how can partial effort lead to a satisfying victory?

It's not a reward because I don't see this as something worth a reward. If you want to put it in another way, it's rewarding enough to see the townspeople happy.

And whether I fail or not probably won't affect the rest of the people helping out here. Even if I were to fail, the others could still succeed, which means that, in general, we would all succeed. It's just a matter of seeing how things work out.

I see.

In short, it is just as you said. You don't see yourself doing much of anything, because everyone else will pick up what you are failing at. Well, at least, you are confident in the fact it will end up well thanks to others.

Edited 2018-02-12 23:26 (UTC)

I'm sure they can do better than I do. If I succeed, I succeeded. If I fail, I failed. That's just how things are.

But you're not attempting to do either. Not really. Half-hearted efforts that are somewhat drunk on the warm feelings of townspeople that you're partially attempting to help. Indeed, you may succeed, but it will be completely thanks to those that sacrificed something of themselves to achieve it. Indeed, you may fail, but that will be due to not putting your whole self forward.

I see the meaning behind your wish now.

You're like a sinking stone. Far from the surface and nowhere near the bottom. You'll neither rise nor completely descend into darkness. In a way, whatever unhappiness you feel will not be true depression, but you'll never experience real light -- only glimmers off the surface.

You said that you could achieve your dream only with your own effort, right? And I said that it requires both -- yours and others. This was agreed upon. A sinking stone that only allows gravity to do the work will never find happiness or betrayal where it falls.

However, I believe you can find happiness. But you would have to be willing to accept you may fail a few times to get it.

[ somehow, kei managed to put all of oda’s thoughts into concrete words. instead of talking to another person, sakutarou feels like he’s talking to himself. he doesn’t feel much anger or regret from talking to this man. if anything, he’s resigned himself to this conversation. ]

I know most of this already. But thanks for the advice, too.

Knowing most of it but not solving the problem -- I am glad to have my advice taken, but I doubt it will go anywhere if you cannot even make yourself move.

For someone who put stock into what only he could achieve by himself, do you really believe in your ideals?

Edited 2018-02-13 04:53 (UTC)

Do you want to know because you’re worried about me? Or is it just curiosity?

Neither.

It upsets me to see a drowning man and aware no one has been able to help you. Either due to wanting to leave you to save yourself and not wishing to enter your space, or you've never viewed them as those that could help you in the first place.

I don’t want to involve others in my problems when they already have plenty of their own. But even then, I’m not completely alone. I have a couple good friends.

No, you are alone. Everyone is alone. But it is only through effort that we achieve anything. So, it would seem like it is a mix of both scenarios that I had listed.

Are they really friends? Friends that never push themselves to help someone that is suffering is no more than a fair wind that comes to show glimmers at the surface of the water.

You can talk about my situation all you want, but my friends are a different matter, Kei Shigaraki.

It is good you are willing to fight for something. I was worried you were incapable of becoming riled up, Sakutarou Oda.

You can fight for them but not yourself. You can feel righteous anger for them but not yourself? A man that only does for others and never himself; a man who carries his burdens but never lets anyone help despite the suffering they see -- are you really their friend?

I believe I was clear. Stop talking about my friends like you know them.

Perhaps, I shall. You want to fight for them and it is the first time that you sounded filled with something.

You care about them, obviously. But I will ask you to be THEIR friend and not have them just be YOURS. That is all. The situation you are in doesn't make you happy so why live in it?

I'm pretty sure that I'm their friend. But if that isn't the case, then I can't force them to accept me as such.

I live in it because there's no other choice. I make the best of what I have, and live on. If you say I'm a sinking stone, then my friends are the waves that push me on the surface.

I see. I got mad for the sake of someone else. It wasn't concern nor righteous anger. It was frustration even though I said I would accept someone living close to how I live so long as they were not suffering.

... I only know how I live but if you are not happy with it, you should change it.

Your situation sounds more frustrating.

I'll see. It's not as easy as saying 'fuck it all' and starting my life over again.

It isn't. Since it doesn't make me happy but it doesn't make me unhappy, I am fine in the state I am in. However, someone who can actually feel suffering in it -- sounds much more frustrating.

I wouldn't say it is starting your life over. It is giving up everything that got you to where you are now, after all. But I am saying, a little to lighten the load for yourself. Your happiness could actually exist without feeling like you sacrificed anything of yourself.

I don't know. I just don't think that I'm unhappy either. Not happy, but not unhappy. If I can live with what I have, then isn't that fine?

Sadly, I must repeat myself and say that I only know how I live.

I have only just come to this app, but I took my frustrations out on you. I felt if I was going to do so, and come to recognize it, that I should tell you as much. There is nothing that you did or didn't do. It is how it is but it isn't right.

Still if you think you are fine, then you are fine.

Edited 2018-02-13 18:59 (UTC)

I see. Thanks. Good luck with your own frustrations.

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livingimpaired - 2018-02-13 19:25 (UTC) - Expand

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