[text]

[matchbreaker]

[ It's ass at night and Elda Marker, made more awake by the fact she keeps finding herself waking up later and later especially on weekends when her son doesn't have school is wide awake. As such, she makes her own variation on one of those cerebral posts a friend of hers makes sometimes: ]

So what's something you've wanted to tell someone, but haven't? Or something you absolutely don't want to tell someone? Or have been fretting about? I'm no qualified therapist, but I am older than many of the people on this app, so maybe I can help. Even if I can't, I can hear it out.

I'll make mine public: The woman in my memories survived an attempt to exterminate her race, and I have no idea how to begin to handle that memory. I've tried to ignore it for months.

Mine's related to Retrospec stuff, but it doesn't have to be obviously.

[ On and OOC feel free to have your responses here assumed to be to her inbox for privacy if you want or have them be public for people. Specify if you want I'll roll with whatever ... or respond to her own admission if you want ]

Comments

[matchbreaker]

Don't worry, even if I become more like my counter part, she's not the sort for blackmail either.

[vitis]

sides that she's not the sort for blackmail
do you not like her much?

[matchbreaker]

[ . . . Honestly, that's a complex question. One she's sort of rolled over in her mind for months and months but, well. ]

No. I mean, no, I do like her, I think. Honestly, I've got a good bit of respect for her, to be able to keep her sanity, having to live through what I've had to remember of hers.

[vitis]

[ ... hm. ]

well. if you're remembering, it's a bit similar to you having also lived through it, right?
yeah, it's different, i know.
but it does sound like you're pretty strong with dealing with that, too

[matchbreaker]

Memory isn't the same as raw experience.

[ So so she's told herself. ]

But in either case, it's not as if she was flawless. Just understandable to me at least.

[vitis]

well, i did disclaim as much.
but admittedly i hadn't meant "different" as in the difference between memory and raw experience

outta curiosity, what's the difference to you?

[matchbreaker]

I can remember that time for her, how scared and furious she was, how hurt she was. I remember it as my own and I can recall the flames, her terror and disgust at escaping without her little brother or her father. I can remember the bells and the heat of the flames. And yes, that memories lives on as if I could or did experience it.

But that's all it is, a memory.

"My" life was never is danger, for one, but perhaps more importantly, even if I remember the emotions of loss and grief, I can feel them vividly in my mind, if you ask me to recall something about her brother or mother or father, I'd be hard pressed to form anything between then secondhand memories. Flashes I remember remembering. Even if I did remember more, that's not the same as day to day life.

The loss could never be as "real" to me.

[vitis]

[ john's eyes narrow as he reads through-- even the picture elda paints through words is vivid. he's a bit humbled, sometimes (and in a darker vein, relieved), when he's made aware of the poignant darkness that others have experienced through their memories. it's not a point he hadn't been unaware of, but yes, when it's illustrated like that, it's not something to argue. ]

does it actually help you?
to talk about memories like that?

[matchbreaker]

Sometimes. I'll be honest and say there isn't any catharsis for typing that out to you just now, but admitting some other things, parsing through them with loved ones? It did help with perspective now and again.

[vitis]

i guess.

can't say it's ever done much for me, rehashing anything like that. reminders like that just make things feel worse, honestly.
but i'm glad that it can be helpful to you in those manners

[matchbreaker]

Well.

This post doesn't have to be about memories. Got some client you hate or someone you've got a thing for and don't want to tell them? That's valid too. Hell, I'm surprised (not really) everyone jumped to memories.

[vitis]

nope.
guess i'm boring.

[matchbreaker]

Or secretive.

Both's fair, really.

Honestly, though, if you're bothered that much by the memories I so hope you have your own mechanisms for dealing with it all.

[vitis]

whatever.
i mean, i could chat your ear off bout how much i hate this city, or better yet retrospec, etc, but i feel like we've been through that already.

[matchbreaker]

Sorry you're stuck here, then. In the city, I mean.

[vitis]

it's just what's necessary.
you grew up here?

[matchbreaker]

I did. I was born and raised in Recollé - so it's always going to be special to me.

[vitis]

see?
i can be considerate and not drag your home too much through the mud, then.

[matchbreaker]

[ I mean.

He could if he wanted but yeah that would annoy her so even if the post is open to that and she wants to defend that, no real desire to see it. ]

Sure implying it enough, golly!

Do you have friends here, Beckett? I mean I'm pretty sure you do, but still, now I'm concerned.

[vitis]

[ oh my god ]

sure do, thanks
kinda morbidly curious as to what you would've said if i said "no," though

[matchbreaker]

Arrange you a play date with some people, obviously.

[ IS THIS SERIOUS OR NOT ]

[vitis]

[ ...


john honestly can't tell ]

aww a play date!
that's thoughtful of you

[matchbreaker]

Thank you, thank you! I try!