retrospec | (no subject)

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It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm afraid things are really quite busy here, and unfortunately our liaison has been compromised. Well...so have a lot of people, actually.

Are you still yourself if you're not the self you were? It's the kind of conversation we've had a lot of times, around here. I've always only been myself, but if I woke up tomorrow as someone else, would I still be me even if I wasn't?

I think rather than worrying about that the best thing I can do is focus on trying to sort things out as best I can. I'm a little worried, actually, but I think I can manage to give everyone a shot even if I can't fix things on my own or even with everyone's help.

But you can help! Or at least I think it will help if you think about what it means to be "you". It's okay if that answer changes or doesn't. Just hold onto that concept and don't let it go. And maybe tell other people what you think it means? Not like I'm saying you have to talk about that. I think usually you all just talk about anything, and I think that is also a good way to hold onto who you are and who you want to be. Sometimes I think it'd be fun, all those parties or little plans. I've never spent much time outside of these walls, did you know?

I don't have time to really ramble, though. Those of you who know what I mean, we're doing our best. Those of you who don't, you do your best too. Pay attention to the things you tell yourself, and I'll try to fix what I can fix.

Please take care.

Joanne Wiseman
Technician 2nd class
Retr

spec Incorporated

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

okay one i don't have the skills to get sponsorship deals even from the shady sponsors who advertise to anybody
two i'm gay
two and a half that hasn't stopped me from thinking about it

it sounds like most of this is luck.

[ not how Jen expected to find out her roommate was gay. but even on this relatively private network of sorts she cannot risk joking "haha me too!" because word might still get back to her mother through other people.

and people can say her life isn't hard too? sheesh. ]

It could be a lady, too!
Just narrows down the states you can do it in.
Luck is just part of it.
You can make your own luck. Not being so negative all the time is a good place to start.

[okay thank god for that. Lina's obviously not bothered talking about it but god this could've gone a lot worse. like, a lot worse. maybe she's not that bad? at least she doesn't hate her for who she is.]

sorry, i put all my positivity into a blender and drank it for breakfast last month. it's all gone now.

i don't think making my own luck is how luck works. i think it's chance? that's why it's called luck.

SIGH.
This is what I mean!
And no, luck and chance are two different things. Trust me.

i'm sorry i can't just pull sunshine out of my ass, jen! i've been trying! i'm just
out
of sunshine

i'm burnt out. i don't expect you to understand.

I'm not asking you to be the sun!
Be the moon.

[ okay even after she sent it Jen had to pause to gather her words and complete said thought. ]

I mean think about it.
All the sun does is burn people if they're out too long.
The moon takes breaks sometimes.
But it also controls the tides.
So you can pull other people up, or you can drag them down.

I'm pretty sure that's where "being a drag" comes from, anyway.

[damn it she doesn't want to think her roommate has a point. her roommate's the whole reason she's mad, or that's what she's telling herself to keep the anger going.]

since when were you into metaphors

I once had an ex who thought they were real deep.
Most of the time it was just bullshit but some of it stuck with me anyway.
I'm into a lot of things you don't know about.

[damn it damn it damn it this is so much easier when she has this... fake version of Jen in her head. one that only does all the things that shitty roommates do, one that doesn't care about anybody other than herself. what the hell.]

i'm surprised it stuck with you longer than five minutes
he must have been really special

[ one doesn't bite the hand that feeds you. or, in this case, prepares most of your meals. really, any other person being so negative would've just been cut out of her life because Jen doesn't need that crap. she's on her way to the top, and while she won't step on people to get there, she'll be damned if someone drags her down with them. ]

Let's just say his mouth taught me more than just pretty words.

thanks! that's gross.

[she tries. she tries so hard. but Jen makes it harder without even meaning to. it's almost like Lina could make some headway on her own problems if she just opened up and talked about them instead of being a paggro piece of shit about it. weird.]

the moon doesn't have any light of its own, either. it relies on bigger, better things to even stand a chance of shining.

Maybe the point was to go out and find yourself a sun to reflect?
See? This is why I don't do metaphors for real.

i guess that isn't a bad idea

but you said it yourself that the only people who'd proposition me are creeps on the internet
and they're the opposite of that
they don't shine light, they suck it up

like some kind of black hole sun

That's not how I meant that and you know it.

well i don't see anybody else lining up to ask me out on any dates!

going places costs money and i'm not about to just start taking pics of my boobs and sending them to cute girls on the app

i don't even know anybody who burns that hot
if we have to keep this metaphorical

To get a date you need to be able to prove you're date material.
Boobs can only get you so far.

[ Jen Bowen: stacked hypocrite. ]

i don't know, they seem to get both of us far enough

but you're talking in circles
i have to find a sun to be the moon and reflect light at people but i'm not enough of the moon yet to actually get a sun?

this is stupid and metaphors are dumb

First of all: I don't hear you complaining about it.
Second: I agree. Let's forget the stupid metaphors, and get you a date.

wait wait wait wait you can't just hook me up with somebody
who do you even know who's available
and interested in somebody like me
this is a mistake

Ohh, it's happening.
I have an "in" with someone who has an eye for cute girls.
It won't be as hard as you think.

what
how
how do you just KNOW an available lesbian

Uh, I've been playing girls and coed sports since I was 8.
It's not that hard.

i'm more amazed at the available part
if they've met you then how could they still be available

[ can't answer that. can't answer that. can't answer. can't. ]

You don't seriously think you're the only single lesbian in the entire city do you?

sure as hell feels that way a lot of the time

maybe i'm just scaring them all away by being such a negative bitch all the time
who knows