retrospec | tw: suicide mentions in comments

It's second nature to reassure people that he's okay, that these are just memories. That he's dealt with them before and he's not really hurt. With Togusa calling instead of responding in text, he assumed that Togusa was concerned that he really was dying.

"...I'm not okay, but I'm not dying."

The words come out hesitantly.

Edited (typo) 2019-03-12 18:44 (UTC)

Well. He wasn’t not worried, does that count? But he tries to bite back on that worry to keep Shuji from trying to minimize what he’s going through.

It’s a nasty cycle these two keep ending up in out of concern for each other, isn’t it?

“But you feel like you are. So, I’ll stay so you dont have to feel that way alone.” It’s all you can do in the face of whatever this is that is going wrong.

Sometimes, worrying about people just makes things worse.

"...Four of five. Only one left."

It shouldn't be hard to guess what Shuji's talking about.

"Shuji," said with a tone like his heart is breaking for the man. Togusa's fist clenches of its own accord on his end.

"Damn him for putting you through this." How is it that Dazai can care so absolutely little while Shuji cares so much? It's an unfair judgement of Dazai's circumstances, but it's the first angered thought for his friend that comes to Togusa's mind.

"..I didn't know it was that many."

Dazai never thought that his suicide attempts were going to affect his reincarnation. But he never thought they'd affect the people around him while he was alive, either.

"Beaches have been ruined for me for a while. Rope hammocks too." Shuji doesn't know how he should sound, and ends up sounding lost. "This is the first time it was pills."

Part of Togusa wants to beg him to stop, he doesn't want to know the details. But Shuji is stuck with those details, so if it eases his suffering at all to share them with Togusa, to feel like they're not just something he can't let out? Then he'll bear it. He lets those sentences sit out there in the open air for a few seconds, before he can break the silence.

"Do you know what saved him?" It's somehow the detail Togusa finds himself the most curious about.

"Bad luck."

Maybe he should say 'good luck', but - no, for Dazai, it was absolutely bad luck.

"A fishing boat rescued him but not his partner one time. The other drowning attempt was the one that worked, and I don't remember the aftermath of the hanging. Pills are finicky, so I wouldn't be surprised if he just ended up puking his guts out."

He tries to chuckle, but it sounds hollow even to him.

"Good luck, Shuji." If Shuji won't correct himself, Togusa will. "Don't joke about that kind of thing."

His hands are starting to shake on his own end, and he closes his eyes tight to try to will away some of his own memories, just of tragedies he's seen on the job. Trying to envision Shuji in those positions? No. No, he can't.

"Please."

For Shuji, it isn't a difficult thing to envision himself in those positions. He's seen it. He's felt it. He's been there. He has no choice but to see himself there.

"Bad luck. ...If he'd succeeded the first time, I wouldn't have to go through half of this."

And yes, it's cruel to wish that on someone. Even on Dazai. But Shuji is tired.

“Stop it.” Now, he will object, his voice pained. “I dont care if you do mean it, don’t say that.”

He can’t support wishing ill on the ancestors. Even though he wholeheartedly knows Shuji and Dazai are not the same, he can’t take that level of wishing death on him.

“I wish this was over for you. But it was his choice. You can keep yourself out of it.”

Edited (Not that icon) 2019-03-13 19:04 (UTC)

Part of Shuji wants to say that Dazai would have appreciated the sentiment of wishing it worked the first time and freed him from his pain. But there's really no point to saying that when it's so clearly distressing Togusa.

"...sorry."

Togusa’s whole face crumples at just the one word from Shuji. Great going, Togusa. He did exactly what he didn’t want to do with this conversation and made Shuji feel bad for what he feels. Made him have to bottle it up for Togusa’s sake.

“No, I’m sorry.” Regretful. “You feel what you feel, and you’re the one stuck with this. You have to cope with it however you can.”

He can’t pretend it doesn’t distress him, but a good friend should let Shuji get it out anyway.

"But I don't have to drag you down with me."

Says someone who doesn't know the memory domino effect he's about to cause.

“It’s not dragging,” Togusa protests. “Dont pretend to be okay when you’re not. Just- I dont like wishing somebody death.” He shifts uncomfortably, the sound of cloth on cloth through the phone.

“Didn’t anybody try to help him?” Maybe the other part of the whole situation Togusa can’t understand.

"Asking for a therapist in the thirties and forties is asking a lot... but he did have friends who tried their best for him."

Shuji remembers Oda and Haruo telling him. You are weak, but I don't think that's all.

"If he'd ever gotten out of that mental place, you know I wouldn't have said something like that, right? If things had gotten better for him."

...but they hadn't, is the implication. Dazai died on the fifth try, exactly as he'd wanted to the first time.

Togusa actually finds himself nodding before he remembers Shuji can't see him. "Yeah. I believe you."

"It's somebody's life, it's not always the neat and compact story we'd like it to be. And it's hard to imagine death being actually a mercy for him."

"...Things could have been better for him. I know that because I'm here and I'm in a better place that."

Shuji has a support network, parents who were there for him, access to therapy and medicine. Dazai was born at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and suffered for it.

Edited 2019-03-15 02:53 (UTC)

"And that's why it came to that? No matter what he tried, things never got any better."

"Branding him a coward is too easy. You know how long he was holding on to that burden. And whether or not he had any other way of dealing with it."

"He's not a coward for that."

For other things, yes. Not for that.

"...I know too well what it feels like. I may hate him for other things, but not for that."

Pardon Togusa while every single alarm bell goes off in his head, and he has to work a way around to trying to word his thought in a tactful way.

"We all have our burdens, but- I can't imagine what it's like," so hesitant, "to be driven all the way to that point. Can you?"

"It was before you met me." Once he realizes what Togusa is saying he's quick to try to reassure. "Back during my repeated failed college attempts, the worst part of my life. I was lucky - my family supported me getting help."

Dazai didn't receive that kind of help, and never really had a chance to. That's not his fault.

"Oh." Because what else can he say? Togusa desperately wishes that he could be with Shuji, to try to reassure him right now.

"I'm sorry I chided you for how you felt. I wasn't looking at it from your viewpoint. You've been able to get past those feelings, and Dazai has to keep dragging you back into it."

If he were at the library, Shuji would accept a hug or twenty.

"It's okay. I shouldn't say things like that."

He's allowed to feel them, but he can't say them.

Dear Isamu. Go gather more data on hugs from Shuji. It's important.

"Are you still- getting help? Is that something that's still a part of your life now?"

Consider it a top priority mission.

"I had a therapist, but... well, obviously I can't tell a regular therapist what's going on with me now. Since Fai lost network access, I haven't been seeing anybody for that."

tw: suicide mentions in comments

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