[video] forward dated to 9/13

[appraiser]

Ryoji Mochizuki shared a video.
09/13 near Apprassage

[ The video starts up, dark, silent. A bedroom, if an empty desk and neatly made bed and too many cardboard boxes count as a bedroom, and then the view flips over with a soft ] Oh. [ as the user finds the front-facing camera instead of the rear that he always uses on his phone. ]

Hi... It's been a while.

[ The bottom half of the screen blurs as Ryoji draws his knees to his chest where he sits on bare floorboards, phone in his hands. He doesn't introduce himself— doesn't need to, when his name is up there for people who don't know him, his face right here for people who do: the people he's recording this video for, whispers in an empty room. ]

I'm back. I know there are probably questions as to why, or how... and I can't really explain it well myself. But I'll answer the best I can, if you want to ask, texting or in person.

[ Ryoji sits up a little straighter now, looks a little more serious. This is what he meant to say: a confession. ]

But before that, I want to say that I'm glad to be back, however it happened... a second chance like this. I also want to be more upfront about myself, and there are things I want to say to a lot of people.

There was a time in the past where I was a monster: I'd hurt a lot of people, and I ran from all of that, hid myself away, and pretended it hadn't happened. The memories I've been experiencing, I kept the good ones close, the bad even closer, pretending they weren't real and that they have nothing to do with me. I thought... that it would be better to forget about all of that and return to a simpler time. Unconsciously, I think that's what I did. I went back to before everything happened, to start over, and do better this time. But I got it wrong. I made myself forget, but I wasn't forgotten...

[ He's rambling now, a little, so he turns his eyes away from the screen, staring off at something in the distance- it's the moon reflected in his eyes, only half. ]

There's somebody I still need to say goodbye to, but after that... I want to see so many of you. I owe a lot of "thank you"s and "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s, and I want to be with people again. I don't want to leave this world or its people ever again.

So... I'll see you guys soon.




( ooc: forward dated to 9/13 to give myself a buffer. replies can be via text, or an in-person if you want to fast-forward to ryoji showing up at your character's house/class/chance meeting at some cafe/hi roommates/he'll be finding people around town somehow. for his cr, please assume he checked up on them, whether it's handwaved or not! )

Comments

[thesettingsun]

Don't apologize!

[In between the tears, Shuji snaps that, a little more loudly than he intended to.]

You're the one who died! You don't have to apologize when something else hurts you!

[This isn't Ryoji's fault.]

[appraiser]

[ Silent sorries die in Ryoji's throat at the outburst, and his blinking back tears only makes them spill over. Sorries are... a habit, at this point, words that once held the magic of soothing things over and making things okay again, but something like this is too big and his guilt runs too deep to fix with sorries. ]

I know, [ he whispers, although in the same breath, he doesn't. ] But I'm not the only one who was hurt. That's why...

[thesettingsun]

That doesn't mean that you should be sorry...

[It's not his fault, but the cause of their hurt isn't ever going to apologize. Still, hearing 'I'm sorry' from Ryoji seems worse than not hearing an apology at all.]

[appraiser]

[ He doesn't say it out loud, but he can't help but feel sorry anyways, channeling that little frustration of his into a tighter hug. ]

What am I supposed to be feeling, then?

[ Sadness. Regret. Frustration, anger, hatred... Emptiness. Those sort of things that he feels but can't say, because they're the same as sorry. They're things people don't want to hear. ]

[thesettingsun]

Whatever you're feeling is how you're feeling, but... You can be sad, or angry that this happened to you. You can be sad or angry that this happened to your friends, but this isn't your fault.

It won't fix anything if I say I'm sorry for the monster attack, because I didn't cause that, and I wouldn't if I could have. It won't fix anything for you to be sorry for things you didn't do.

[appraiser]

[ What's done is done, but feelings are things he can fix- change- make better. Or so he thought, but imagined sorries aren't making him feel any better, and that permission to be sad and angry just makes his feeling compound on one another until he has to bite at his bottom lip to stop himself from screaming it all out. ]

It isn't fair... It isn't fair.

[ Anger. Something he hasn't let himself feel for years upon years, because anger is destructive and anger hurts, but he lets himself feel it now, letting go of Shuji so he can wrap his arms around himself instead and squeeze tight. ]

None of it should have happened— people having to fight monsters, people having to fight each other. Toushiro died. I had to die. Why did any of it have to happen?

[thesettingsun]

[This is better.

It feels so strange to think that about Ryoji being so clearly upset - but the anger and sadness is justified, and Ryoji shouldn't feel like he has to hide it.

This time, Shuji is the one who wraps his arms around Ryoji, gently.]

None of this should have happened. No one should have had to go through this - it isn't fair what happened to you.

[appraiser]

[ Ryoji clenches his jaw tight and lets his words die in his throat. Anger can be the pain he feels in his jaw and his heart and his arms that he digs his nails into; sadness can be the tears that run down his cheek as Shuji keeps him together and says that what everybody had gone through was wrong.

For a while, he just lets himself cry, lets himself have some self-pity for once in his life, but eventually he stops. Drained. Empty. Weak. He doesn't feel any better. ]

[thesettingsun]

[It's better to get it now out, even if he doesn't feel better right away. It'll heal easier if he's not hiding the wound.

Shuji rubs Ryoji's back gently, util he stops crying.]

I've got you.

[appraiser]

[ Maybe it'll heal easier, but it'll still take so much time, and he won't be put back whole again. It's not even his own death that he's upset about, it's the unfairness of the situation, the overwhelming futility of everything in his life.

Ryoji sinks down onto the ground, hugging his knees as he sits. ]

What am I supposed to do...? Coming back magically fixes everything. [ He spits the word with no little vehemence. ] But I can't just go back to how I was...

[thesettingsun]

[Shuji sits next to him, keeping a hand on his shoulder.]

It doesn't fix everything. Maybe you're not physically injured, but what happened happened and it leaves scars.

[Scars on the mind, on the heart.]

If anyone tells you you should be all better, I'll punch them for you.

[appraiser]

[ Mafuyu would be so proud. That promise gets a watery laugh from Ryoji as well, who can't even imagine Shuji doing anything of the sort. But to act so out of place of one's inherent nature just to stand up for him like that, that means a lot. ]

Thanks, Shuji. You'll have to punch me sometime, because that's how I always dealt with things that were hard. Just trying my best to make things normal again.

[ "Better," than crying and moping forever, which is his other option. ]

[thesettingsun]

You're an exception. I'm never going to punch you no matter how long it takes you to figure out how to cope.

[Ryoji is his friend. And sure, Shuji doesn't know how to punch anyone effectively, but if they said something so heartless to Ryoji, he would absolutely try.]

[appraiser]

[ They mean well, but people keep making promises they can't for certain keep, and it takes every Ryoji has to not shut himself down and say not to do that. So he just leans over and buries his face in Shuji's shoulder again, because processing all of what happened is on himself, not his friend. ]

I'll do my best. And you too... having to cope with somebody almost- sort of- dying.

[thesettingsun]

I'll do what I can. Don't want to worry you too much.

[Ryoji has enough troubles without worrying about people worrying about him.]

[appraiser]

It's easier to worry about others than yourself. Worrying is... caring. That's what my— [ He breaks off, stiffening a little, then shakes his head. ] That's what Yuuko used to say to me.

[thesettingsun]

...You should care about yourself, too, you know.

[Maybe that's why Ryoji worries about others first.]

[appraiser]

I did enough of that when I was younger.

[ Caring for himself, he equated with selfishness, and that with the source of many people's problems and burdens as they'd come to help and support him. It's not something he wants to go back to. ]

[thesettingsun]

If there's an age where you're supposed to stop caring about yourself, it's news to me. And I'm older than you, so there.

[appraiser]

Are you older than me? 19?

[ He'd never stopped and thought about people's ages before. There's an age where people are supposed to stop crying too, but look at the both of them. ]

[thesettingsun]

I'm twenty-five, Ryoji.

[When he's older he'll be more grateful to look younger than he is...]

[appraiser]

...I'm almost twenty, so that's only five years.

[ bridge the gap a little ]

No, I suppose it doesn't matter. I don't think I'll see twenty anyways.

[thesettingsun]

[How do you even answer that? Can you tell someone they won't die when they just did? Can you tell them you'll keep them safe when you can't do anything helpful?

Shuji doesn't know what to say. He holds Ryoji tightly enough that it might hurt.]

I don't want you to die.

[appraiser]

[ Wait, nonono no—- Ryoji squirms out of Shuji's grasp. ]

Sorry, that was phrased badly. I meant more that I won't be getting any older. I'll only just ever be me, as I am now, like this.

[thesettingsun]

Oh.

[Well, that's embarrassing.]

Does it matter that much if you won't be twenty physically...?