A wish.

[livingimpaired]

[ The Holy Grail. He does not recall exactly what it is, but from what he gathers from the brief memory with the "King of Heroes," it is something to wish upon. And Kei's other self would allow that man to "wish for death." What does that mean? No, he understands it simply, but there is more said and unsaid than he can unravel. ]

With all this business going on, some frivolousness ponderings might be an enjoyable distraction.

Well, then. If you could wish for anything, what would it be? [ A pause. Kei thinks of sending it like that yet he feels that may be too telling. Too telling of what? He's uncertain, but adds more to cover up his uncertainty. ] Though, with Valentine's Day is coming, most are thinking of just wishing for someone to spend that day with, hm? :)

Comments

[odasaku]

Yes. I can't foresee whether or not my wish would end up causing someone else harm, so I'd rather not wish at all. In the end, however, none of this matters, because no wish will come true unless you make it happen yourself.

[livingimpaired]

You are right and wrong.

Wishes come true with your effort and the efforts of others. The problem you are having is you are viewing it only what you can achieve instead of having others assist. In short, you are viewing your wish as being something you can only achieve by yourself anf why you cannot see the level of influence it would have, because you are only seeing it through your eyes.

[odasaku]

[ oh wow. so this man isn't just speaking nonsense; this actually hits close to oda. he believes he has to be entirely self-sufficient. not to prove his parents or his friends...but just himself. prove himself that he's worth something.

having someone else's help in achieving his dreams... what would that mean? would there be anyone even willing to help him achieve those dreams?

after a short pause, he replies. ]

Guess you're right.

[livingimpaired]

I am glad you think so, but if you still are desiring curry...

... one serving of curry is a little sad. You should at least ask for two. Food always tastes better with someone else. And I do not mean that romantically but in general.

[odasaku]

I know. That's why when I return from Pesgare I'll have some with a friend.

[livingimpaired]

A reward after your hard work, hm?

[odasaku]

If you want to put it that way, sure.

[livingimpaired]

How would you put it?

[odasaku]

Not sure.

[livingimpaired]

Forgive me for asking but why aren't you sure?

[odasaku]

I don't see it as a reward, because I haven't done anything worth being rewarded for. But it's not something bad because there's nothing wrong with being with a friend. So I don't know how I would put it as. Just 'something', I suppose.

[livingimpaired]

Do you believe it would have been better if you never went? That since you didn't do anything that you can put a name to, it means you failed?

[odasaku]

No. I got no reason to regret what I've already done, because I can't change it. What happened happened.

Besides, I'm not unhappy with what I'm doing.

[livingimpaired]

And what is it that you are doing if you don't think you deserve a reward?

[odasaku]

Helping locals in Pesgare.

[livingimpaired]

And you don't consider the goodwill you have imparted upon them worth anything?

[odasaku]

It's too soon to know.

[livingimpaired]

It isn't.
You only are accepting that you failed so that when you fail, you won't be hurt.

[odasaku]

Maybe. But you sound sure of yourself. 'When I fail'? What if I don't?

[livingimpaired]

If you didn't think you would fail, you wouldn't be questioning if your meal with your friend is a reward or not.

You went in halfway and so, how can partial effort lead to a satisfying victory?

[odasaku]

It's not a reward because I don't see this as something worth a reward. If you want to put it in another way, it's rewarding enough to see the townspeople happy.

And whether I fail or not probably won't affect the rest of the people helping out here. Even if I were to fail, the others could still succeed, which means that, in general, we would all succeed. It's just a matter of seeing how things work out.

[livingimpaired]

I see.

In short, it is just as you said. You don't see yourself doing much of anything, because everyone else will pick up what you are failing at. Well, at least, you are confident in the fact it will end up well thanks to others.

[odasaku]

I'm sure they can do better than I do. If I succeed, I succeeded. If I fail, I failed. That's just how things are.

[livingimpaired]

But you're not attempting to do either. Not really. Half-hearted efforts that are somewhat drunk on the warm feelings of townspeople that you're partially attempting to help. Indeed, you may succeed, but it will be completely thanks to those that sacrificed something of themselves to achieve it. Indeed, you may fail, but that will be due to not putting your whole self forward.

I see the meaning behind your wish now.

You're like a sinking stone. Far from the surface and nowhere near the bottom. You'll neither rise nor completely descend into darkness. In a way, whatever unhappiness you feel will not be true depression, but you'll never experience real light -- only glimmers off the surface.

You said that you could achieve your dream only with your own effort, right? And I said that it requires both -- yours and others. This was agreed upon. A sinking stone that only allows gravity to do the work will never find happiness or betrayal where it falls.

However, I believe you can find happiness. But you would have to be willing to accept you may fail a few times to get it.

[odasaku]

[ somehow, kei managed to put all of oda’s thoughts into concrete words. instead of talking to another person, sakutarou feels like he’s talking to himself. he doesn’t feel much anger or regret from talking to this man. if anything, he’s resigned himself to this conversation. ]

I know most of this already. But thanks for the advice, too.