retrospec | (no subject)

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Whoa...the post settings from the admin accounts are really different than the normal accounts.

I'm sure you're expecting Jo or Maury or one of the others but those are all people who are way smarter and way more qualified than me, and those people are working overtime to trace down a signal we keep picking up on. Not sure what it means yet, but I'm hoping for the best. We thought we were able to isolate the problem when the other regions appeared on the current layer but it's something deeper.

But hey, isn't that what we're all trying to do here? Hope for the best.

Call me curious, but what's your favorite color? I've been teaching myself color theory lately. Bonus points if you say "why", too.

Zee Carlisle
Hiring Manager
Retr

spec Incorporated

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[ yeah, that's real fucking dumb. clover knows better than to say that, though. ]

I'm sorry. I think it's better you're without the wings if it means you're less reckless.

The wings didn't do that, the spirit did. But you're right. That's what made me realize I needed to get it out of me and calm down. If the spirit hadn't taken the bullet... I couldn't put that on a kid, you know?

But the wings stuck around. I don't know why. There's a lot of stuff happening that I don't know about.

Anyway. How are you holding up lately?

Perhaps you need to find another way to fly that doesn't involve possession or otherwise.

April was a roller coaster. I would never want to repeat it, but I think I came out of it better. Or I hope I did.

I'll figure something out. Or just deal with it. Whatever.

I figured it was pretty rough just with another one of your sisters showing up on the app. Anything else you want to talk about? Or do you not even want to relive it? It's up to you, Clo.

Does it have to be wings? Or will you be content so long as you're flying the sky?

It's fine. If I ignore it and run away from it, I can't grow from it. I'd be like... her. I was cursed. The forest in Magatus tells the cursed all their failures and all the lies they tell themselves and the world.

I learned to be a little more honest.

[ She's being as clinical as she can about it because despite what she's saying, talking about her issues is making her skin crawl. Being clinical makes her (seem) more removed. ]

It's not about having wings or being able to fly. Not literally.

Now I know where to not go, I guess. I don't need to hear all of that from other people when I get enough of it from my own dumbass self. I know it's weird for me to say this, and you probably don't want to hear it right now, but.

[it does actually take her a second after she writes that to decide whether she wants to commit or back out. not only is it a weird sentiment to express, she really doesn't know if it's going to make things better or worse. but she commits.]

I'm proud of you.

If you don't mind, please spell it out for me so I may understand.

[ There's a long, long pause before Clover responds to the second half of the message: ]

There's nothing to be proud of. I ruined a couple trees.

Fine. Sorry if it doesn't sound great, but metaphors aren't my thing. It's about freedom. It's about doing what I want to do. It's seeing things from a brand new perspective and realizing that my options aren't what I thought they were, and that I actually have other things I can do here. In this city, with my life.

It was the same thing when I first got the app. And if they take it away from me like they took the wings away, I don't know what I'll do.

[fortunately, she guesses, Anna's worked herself up too much to keep telling Clover she's proud of her. it's probably some pressure off.]

[ Yeah, Clover's grateful that Anna took the bait but also grateful that Anna's willing to talk about it even though Clover's a huge hypocrite. ]

You don't need wings or this app for that. You can do that with your own power and not anything Retrospec gives you. It may take time to find the path to the freedom you want, but I know you're capable.

Perhaps Retrospec spoon-feeds us new perspectives, but that kind of talk... I don't think it's a good idea to be dependent. What made you feel so trapped before Retrospec?

[of course she got played. on some level, she's aware she got played. but she trusts Clover. that's why she's typing kind of a lot, but she's... measured about it. or she thinks she is.]

Being a college dropout? Being stuck in dead-end job after dead-end job like the one where we first really started talking to each other? Dealing with my shitty brain telling me that actually being happy with your sister for a while wasn't worth losing my entire family and that I fucked everything up the second I set foot inside this city?

[her phone feels like it's shaking with every heartbeat.]

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

[ This is more than she thought she'd get, and Clover isn't prepared for this. She types and backspaces and types and deletes. ]

Anna...

I can't say it's okay because I know it was not okay for you. I'm sorry to hear that it's been so difficult for you. I wish I had the right words to say... I want to be able to have the right words to say, but you aren't alone. I have no idea what that's worth to you, but you aren't alone.

I told you I'd listen, so I will. I am listening. Your brain has been unkind to you, and that is not fine, but it is not abnormal. Even if you're struggling now, you haven't ruined everything.

I know you can get better. I know you can reach a place you wish to be.

[she hates this. she hates that she can keep everything inside until it all comes out at once on whoever's listening and then she has the absolute gall to feel guilty and shitty about it when people actually reply. when they care. because she trusts Clover actually cares, too. that makes it worse, in a way.]

[she's not going to leave her on read no matter how easy it would be, but she's typing and deleting for a solid few minutes trying to figure out what she can actually say.]

I know you can, too.

Sorry.

Why are you apologizing?

You're answering questions I asked of you.

Yeah.

[this is so fucking stupid. all of it. she wants to drink until she blacks out so she can't hear her brain yelling all kinds of frustrating, wrong shit at her anymore.]

I know I'm being dumb right now. Don't worry. It'll be fine once I turn into a fucking robot and don't have to deal with emotions anymore.

[ Clover is learning all sorts of new things today. Time to process that Anna's going to turn into a robot someday.

It's going to take a moment. ]

I'm going to worry.

It won't be fine. Don't say that. As much as I'd like to turn off my emotions sometimes, don't say that.

No shit it won't be fine.

[she wants to rant about it again but she can't bring herself to find the right words and she doesn't think that Clover deserves them, anyway. the words she wants are cruel to herself, to her circumstances, and she's so much more used to dealing with shit alone. nobody needs to handle someone else's crisis of humanity on top of their own.]

I've been living on timers for most of my life one way or another. Now I have to do everything only humans can do before this countdown hits zero.

[ It's irresponsible of her to say what she's going to say next. She knows it, but what else is she supposed to say?

Clover misses her own humanity and her inhumanity isn't even that noticeable. She can't even say that maybe Anna won't inevitably turn into a robot or that even if she's a robot, she can still be human.

There's no way she can know that. There's no way she can promise that. ]

Do everything to embrace your humanity. Go out with a bang.

A figurative bang, I should clarify, but if you have a bucket list, perhaps now is the time to start checking items off in earnest.

Starting to get concerned with how many people are saying that exact same thing.

[like this is something everybody she knows has already had to deal with and she's just late to the party.]

But I really wasn't expecting it from you. Telling anyone else to do everything they need to do and cut loose with it. Must be some serious shit.

It is unexpected, isn't it? I suppose I feel like there is a certain benefit to accepting and fighting against eventuality versus denying and fight against eventuality.

Please mind that I do not endorse breaking any laws or anything that could land you in jail or otherwise. I hope you will be smart and reasonable to a certain extent.

Already told you I'm not smart, but yeah, obviously. I can't live my best life if I'm behind bars. Most illegal thing I'm gonna do is something I can do safely in my apartment. If I'm losing my lungs anyway, I don't want to waste money, too.

Thanks for the support even after I just dumped all this shit on you. Maybe I'll just dump all this on Astin next time so we can have a normal conversation for once.

[she won't.]

You are smart enough to know what will keep you from being chased by the law.

You weathered being punched by me, so the least I can do is listen. You've supported me, and I'd be a terrible person if I didn't support you. As far as I'm concerned, this is a normal conversation even if the topic is serious.

[ Also, she doesn't know Astin well, but she can't imagine something like this going over well. ]

I appreciate it, Clo. And I'm gonna be able to weather a lot more from you whenever the robotics kick in, if you ever really want to go to town. Open offer, only half joking.

Not gonna ask about specifics 'cause of where we are, but you ever follow up on that thing? From Bosuma.

You may be ready for it, but I don't know if I'll be. If I'm honest... it's toeing the line of how much I'm like her.

I've talked with my sisters. We've talked about what we remembered, at least a little.

[ Some a little more than others, but it's a lot better than where she was at before, which was none across the board. ]

Then we'll skip it. Don't worry about it.

Thanks for following through. Hope it was worth the part where it's literally impossible to talk to family about anything, ever.

Yes, I think it was. I was able to learn things and hear things I needed to hear. I hope it stays that way.

[ since this is before her disastrous conversation with your other character ]