retrospec | 001 petals ❃ text

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001 petals ❃ text

hello everyone! i'm sorry i've kind of been falling behind on my blog posts lately, in case anybody here reads those, but i think everybody on the app understands why! and if people off the app are starting to noti░e changes, they might understand, too... even if (as far as i go) people are just saying nice t░ings about how good my new blue hair looks!

i hope they don't n░tice too much...

um, anyway. i'm still really new to this app and there's a lot i don't know about, so i have a question! actually, a couple. has anyone ever gotten back a me░ory that doesn't seem like it's something you would ever do? and what do you do if that memory isn't just 'y▒▒' doing something horrible, but celebra░ing that you did it?

i think i know the answer to the first one, but pl░ase hear me out on this. and i'm sorry my emoji are missing but the app keeps g▒▒tching them every time i send them, so just imagine me being very serious about asking for h░lp!

thank you.

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Do you mean Two and One?

[ Clover still cannot fully accept the Intoners as any of them in actuality. ]

What secrets you keep are up to you, what you tell others about yourself are up to you, but about the rest of us... I will admit I, too, would appreciate a little discretion.

However, if you do decide to tell other people about it, I would recommend not identifying our sisters as such unless you 200 percent trust them. Or if you mention us as sisters, be careful what you reveal.

[ Clover has admitted to remembering her sisters in her memories and being afraid of what she remembered, but that's the extent of it. ]

i'm sorry. i don't know how much of this is supposed to stay a secret. i'm still new at this. i'm still new at having to decide who i do and don't trust with important information about my life. i'm still new at figuring out how i fit into everything now and sitting there in silence while everyone keeps saying things that are so obvious to everybody else because you've all had months and months to figure this out and i'm just expected to know how this operates when none of you wanted me on here in the FIRST PLACE

[she's. that isn't right.]

i'm sorry

[ It's apparent she's made a misstep. It's very hard to step on a land mine with Lina, and Clover isn't sure how to fix this.

She doesn't know if she can. Can she fix something when she can't even fix herself (even though she's trying so hard)? ]

No. I'm sorry.

I don't have anything figured out myself. It's why I don't talk about it too much with people or I keep it vague. I don't want anyone to know what I have found out or I'm afraid what will be revealed after I talk about it more.

I've seen you with blue hair. It scares me because it only means more and more all our memories will collide together.

I'm afraid you'll see how terrible the person the other me in our collective memories can be.

I can't keep it a secret forever, but I'm trying so desperately to keep my life normal, Lina. With every sister that shows up, it means I have to accept that life can't be normal.

I know it's selfish. I know it's wrong. I know I'm a horrible sister.

[ These are things she's sure Four could never say, so maybe saying it will help. ]

[there's nothing to worry about fixing from Clover's side. this was all just... six weeks of Lina's insecurities being brought to the forefront over and over again. she feels like the worst kind of person. Clover doesn't deserve this. not from her, not from anyone.]

you aren't a horrible sister.

i'm not mad at you. i'm not mad at any of you. i'm just already so worried about not being able to understand anything or be a part of what you're all going through. because i know making food doesn't help. it's not enough.

nobody wants the things you all talked about to happen, obviously. i don't want what i remembered to happen even if it doesn't fit in with Jasmine's letter and i don't know what that means. but i want to help you all in a way that feels like it actually matters, and that means learning things and asking questions and trying to figure things out.

i'm scared, too. i'm scared by what you all said would happen and what's already started to happen.

[there's a lengthy pause between that message and the next one. she knows what she needs to say, but can't bring herself to type the words, largely because she also knows what she needs to not say.]

you and Jasmine coming in here telling me to stop talking about things makes me feel like i'm the one who's wrong for being scared about it in the open. like it's the kind of thing that we're supposed to deal with silently or not at all. and i don't like that. you know i've never been that kind of person.

[ What does Lina know? What does Lina know? Lina knows nothing, absolutely nothing about how horrible or how not horrible Clover is. Would she say the same thing if Clover told her about every little thing she was envious of, every time jealousy reared its terrible head because Lina is loved, will always be loved, deserves to be loved, and Clover will never, ever have that.

It takes all of her willpower not to type up every dark thought that pops up in her head. ]

You're mistaken. Once you received the app, you became a part of it. We don't need to have memories of the same world to connect to each other. I've connected to others who barely know any of our sisters. There is no one way to help. Making food is enough.

Neither of us are telling you to stop talking about it. We're telling you to be careful. You should always be careful.

You can talk about all the things you remember as you like. People will accept you because you have that nature of yours. You're the kind of person people will see all the sides of, and it'll be okay. That much I believe.

Our group discussion has helped matters for me some, but it's part of my issues that I like keeping information about me under wraps. That's all.

[she would. she would still think Clover isn't horrible. there is nothing Clover can say to her that she has not already said to herself so many times more. every day since the moment she was adopted. they call Zero treacherous, say she betrayed her own sisters, but Two—Lina has felt like a traitor since before the app even existed.]

i'm sorry. i know i was mad when i said it, but i really am new at this. i thought because these memories and all these changes that were happening were such... big things that we all would be more open about them. maybe to warn people.

i don't know.

but i don't want to spread everybody's secrets around. there are people i trust and i can be smart about what i tell them, but i'm going to try to leave everyone else out of it from now on. i'm sorry i've been so angry and bitter here. i don't mean it. i really don't. i don't like how it feels to be that way and i don't like feeling it towards my sisters of all people.

[she wishes she could believe Clover. that everybody's going to accept her for whatever happens because she's bubbly and happy. it's so... performative, sometimes. it's draining. it's exhausting and she knows it is and she feels it a little more every day. she wants to be accepted when she breaks down under the stress of trying to keep everyone else smiling, too. and she wants to go back to feeling accepted as a Geteilt no matter what.]

i'll do better. i promise.

Edited 2018-05-21 07:52 (UTC)

How ridiculous. You think YOU'VE been angry and bitter? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ANGER AND BITTERNESS ARE. HOW USELESS. HOW STUPID. Your bitterness is NOTHING to MINE. I hate it. I HATE IT. DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

YOU DON'T KNOW A THING. You want openness? Fine. Fine! FINE!

I'm a MONSTER and I kill without regret! Four says she's doing it for One's noble cause, but I can feel it, that she doesn't feel GUILTY! AT ALL! FOR ANY MURDER SHE'S DONE! How is that for OPEN? HOW IS THAT OKAY FOR DISCUSSION?

How is that, Lina? How is it? Do you want me to warn people away from me, so I can always be alone, SO I CAN ALWAYS ALWAYS BE ABANDONED, SO I CAN NEVER ACCEPT MYSELF? IS THAT IT?

IS THAT IT

L I N A

IS THAT THE ENDING YOU WANT

I'M GOING TO RIP IT TO SHREDS

[ Just as she's about to hit send, Clover realizes what she's doing and nukes this comment into outer space. ]

[ God. Help her. She's abhorrent. It's getting harder and harder to stop herself.

It takes a while, but she drafts up a better, more acceptable response. One that doesn't show how hideous she is. one that marks her more like Four than she'll realize. ]

I didn't say you couldn't be mad. I didn't say you had to be perfect. I didn't say you have to be happy all the time. There is no way anyone with our memories could be.

That's ridiculous and impossible. Our memories only make our lives more complicated and complex, as if it weren't enough already.

You are inherently a good person. Anyone can see that. That's what I meant before.

If you'll forgive me, I scrolled to see who commented on this post. It's your life and your memories, but if you reveal anything about me to Natalia, I won't be able to speak to you for a week. Please keep that in mind.

[do inherently good people abandon their sisters? must be a new definition.]

i haven't told Natalia anything about you. i got mad and i yelled at you, but i didn't go behind your back and start gossiping about you or Jasmine or Rose. that doesn't solve anything. that only makes more problems and we have enough on our own without me making it even harder for everybody.

none of this is going to happen again. i know better now. i know what you all want from me and how we're handling this. i should've asked sooner. i shouldn't have thought it was a stupid question and stayed quiet about it and just assumed i would figure it out.

[but not looking like a fool in front of her sisters was completely worth this conversation. obviously.]

[ If Clover knew that thought, she'd be so angry because it's not like they can choose which of them gets adopted or not, and for Lina to feel that way would make Clover feel sicker and uglier about it than she already does. ]

I didn't accuse you of gossiping about us. Don't put words into my mouth. I will say this plainly and why I mentioned my concern: Natalia and I do not get along. We will never get along.

However, you are your own person. You have your own choices. I did not say it was a stupid question, and I'm not trying to control you. There isn't any way that I want you to handle this. We're all handling it differently.

[ Clover's falling apart. Rose is trying to drink it all away. Jasmine is probably trying to work it all away. ]

i'm sorry. i didn't mean to.

[if this is how conversations are going to play out now that she's on the app, maybe she really should just keep her mouth shut. it seems like the only time her sisters aren't yelling at her.]

[she tries writing so many things but they never get past the first couple words before she deletes them. nothing seems like it's actually going to make this better and it's Lina's own fault. of course it is. she's being too naïve for this. again. she's too hopeful, too optimistic. the light inside her has never been snuffed out but it's sure been burning very, very low lately.]

thank you for talking to me about this.

[that's what she goes with? that's apparently what she goes with. none of it feels right. god, she hates this.]

[ Clover knows well enough that she made Lina feel awful, and she feels terrible about it but not terrible enough to say sorry. (Which makes her even more terrible, but the part of her that's so good at denial squashes that thought.) ]

You saw me struggle. I'm only worried about you.

[ How's that for trying to turn this around?

How's that for trying to come off looking like a better person instead of a bitter person who lost her temper? ]

[she doesn't feel comfortable leaving her sister on read. but she doesn't know how else to respond to it. part of her believes that Clover is right, that she's genuinely worried about her. most of her wants to believe it. but the tightly packed, black-hole-dense mass of self-loathing inside her that she's been repressing since the day she got adopted and decided that she needed to show that it didn't change anything and she was still going to be the same Lina Geteilt she had been, it's telling her so many other, worse things.]

i'll be okay. everything will be okay. as long as we still have each other, we can get through anything!

[she hopes Clover buys that but knows she won't. she's so fucking transparent. everybody knows.]

I love you. No matter what.

[ No matter how much they're both faking it right now. ]

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