retrospec | (no subject)

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It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm afraid things are really quite busy here, and unfortunately our liaison has been compromised. Well...so have a lot of people, actually.

Are you still yourself if you're not the self you were? It's the kind of conversation we've had a lot of times, around here. I've always only been myself, but if I woke up tomorrow as someone else, would I still be me even if I wasn't?

I think rather than worrying about that the best thing I can do is focus on trying to sort things out as best I can. I'm a little worried, actually, but I think I can manage to give everyone a shot even if I can't fix things on my own or even with everyone's help.

But you can help! Or at least I think it will help if you think about what it means to be "you". It's okay if that answer changes or doesn't. Just hold onto that concept and don't let it go. And maybe tell other people what you think it means? Not like I'm saying you have to talk about that. I think usually you all just talk about anything, and I think that is also a good way to hold onto who you are and who you want to be. Sometimes I think it'd be fun, all those parties or little plans. I've never spent much time outside of these walls, did you know?

I don't have time to really ramble, though. Those of you who know what I mean, we're doing our best. Those of you who don't, you do your best too. Pay attention to the things you tell yourself, and I'll try to fix what I can fix.

Please take care.

Joanne Wiseman
Technician 2nd class
Retr

spec Incorporated

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So you believe you have no right to pride because fate will take it from you? Because you have done something that makes you incapable of being proud of who "you" are?

Indeed, pride implies a strong sense of self. I have no pride and so that is why I feel the way I do when I talk to others. I'm certain you can tell it, too, young man? But I digress, I'd like the answer to those questions before I proceed.

I suppose that's one way of saying it, Fate already hunted me once, and seems to enjoy making me suffer...and...yeah, Can't exactly say I would be happy to recount my life choices...other then maybe some relatively recent ones...mabye...

annnd I don't think I've seen you face to face yet, so I wouldn't know, I imagine that would change when I visit your restaurant?

Isn't that a cowardly way to view your situation?

That would, indeed, change if you visited my restaurant.

Cowardly? I've just done what was needed to survive, I didn't think about what was "right" I...just drew lines...lines I'd hate to cross...but sometimes did anyway...

How would you look at it? Mr. "I have no pride"? I can't believe you would see yourself as some hero spitting in the face of fate

You have done what you needed to "survive," but after you've come to survive this long, you have not lived. You've not allowed yourself to seek out anything for yourself, because you believe it will be slapped out of your hand. It has happened in the past many times and so it will happen in the present, in the future, hm?

You've allowed your failures to make you a coward that only survives, and so you have no self and won't know who you are until you change. I do not spit in the face of fate. I do not believe in fate. We have been given free will, and so we are free to as we choose.

I am no hero. I merely am someone who believes in my own decisions.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW!? You call me a coward but you say you wouldn't rise against fate!? And you just believe that our choices alone is what matters?! HOW!? HOW GOD DAMN IT!

I Try not to lean on others so they wouldn't find themselves massacred because of a STUPID NAME!

Do you think I WANTED ANY OF THIS!?

Constantly thinking that I might need to run again rather then for once letting myself feel safe?

Because that is all our live really is. It is choices and decisions. We have been given free will. We have been given choices on how we will live. What we do from there is up to us. There is no divine hand that ruins our lives, because God is not a petty child burning ants.

Of course, you did not want any of this, but you blamed "fate" for it. You allowed yourself to be frightened and scared of something unseen and so you refuse to allow "yourself" to exist. What you are is merely a body running to stay alive.

But at any time, you can decide to be brave and wish for something for yourself.

So God is your answer then? That must be reassuring...

And what else was I supposed to do? Get shot alongside my mother and father? My "dad" that son-of-a-bitch got what he DESERVED! IF there is a hell I hope he is getting burned extra crispy on a stick!

Just decide to be brave? Just like that? and...where would I start? I would be lying if I said there was no one I care about...I just dont want them to push me away...just cause of somethings I've done before just to live...

It is a comfort -- and a source of agony, at times. But only if you believe.

I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about, and so I can't quite tell you what you should or should not have done. However, you made those decisions in the past to survive and live, did you not? You're still only doing the first and not the latter. Did you sacrifice everything just so that you could continue to run away? What is the point of that?

It's that simple, but it is quite difficult to do. I won't say that it is easy, but I will say that it is simple. I hope you will understand the difference. As for where you should start, you should reach out to the people that you've decided you care about. They may push you away, or they may not, but you will never know if you don't try.

A source of agony? Isn't the point of God is all loving and all forgiving and all that jazz?

There was practically nothing left, I had no family and my "friends" turned on me the moment they heard the police were involved.

Yes I got adopted, Yes I ran away, but that's what a thief does, find the next mark, survive another day. Simple, I couldn't stand those assholes who wanted to be my "family" but never trusted a word I said, yet demanded obedience, wanted me to love them, but would often take their anger out on me.

Like taking me in, suddenly made it the end of a fairy tale...and a happily ever after at that...

If this new family pushes me away...I would have nothing...I even ran away from them once too, when I thought I was hurting them...they are understandably mad when one caught me and forced me to come back...but, they don't know how deep it goes...how...how broken I am inside...

Yes, but you have to be truly desiring forgiveness to be granted forgiveness. You have to be honest about wanting to not continue your destructive actions. I don't believe in redemption, because it says the soul will be washed clean. People will sin yet again, and so instead, I believe in salvation. That is that our efforts are seen and recognized. It is at the point of death that we are given an answer for all our struggling -- if we truly and honestly were seeking "good" or not. But it is best if you don't ask me more on this topic, as I have quite a few thoughts about it. You'll end up in a theoretical discussion on religion the likes of which you will not ever escape, haha. [ Look, he can be nice and attempt to lighten the mood slightly. ]

You really do like running yourself around in circles. You said so yourself, didn't you? You're a thief, and viewed them as a mark. However they treated you doesn't matter since you did not intend to love them anyway. You merely wanted to use them and leave as soon as it became too uncomfortable to be in that space. So what of it? You did just that. Why lament about it since you didn't expect anything from them anyway?

Still, you are showing that you want something for yourself now with your new family. That is progress. Everyone is broken inside. Everyone is a little emptier than what they want to be. Everyone hides an ugliness about themselves that they cannot stand the thought of others seeing. That's the truth of everyone.

So all you can do is show an honest version of yourself and reach out to someone. And eventually, with enough time and effort, you may even feel those broken pieces start to repair themselves inside you.

ummm...okay we will put a pin on that for a visit sometime?

I suppose I didn't have room in my heart for that then...but what does that say about me? That I thought of them as a meal ticket 1st before thinking of them as a family....

And...I guess you could say that...I...I "love" them, I'd hate to hurt them, they are so nice to me...but it doesn't feel real...almost two years and I still feel like at any moment, I wake up to a nightmare again...

Does that make me a bad person?

Only if you desire hours long discussion. But yes, a pin in it is best.

It says that you only thought of survival, and not about living in the world and making connections to other people. No more and no less.

I wouldn't say that it makes you a bad person. I would say that it makes you a frightened person. A person that does not know how to hope and dream for himself. That is outside the realm of good and evil.

Hmmm, I think I can live with that answer...soo...I haven't really been good nor evil, since I was just a shell of a human being?

And...now...instead of being Pinocchio, and simply wanting to be human deep down, I could be human?

And that would start...by opening this broken heart of mine...and...with time be "a real boy"

Hmmm, happen to know any fairies? :P I think that would be eaiser

That's right. You've just been a shell that's been moving from place to place.

It seems like you understand what you have to do.

As for any fairies, I'm afraid not. You'll have to do everything the hard way. Just like Pinocchio.

Correct me if I'm wrong...but didn't a fairy basically make him a real boy after almost getting his dad killed in a whale?

Either way...yeah...guess here is the hard part

She did, but he was already a real boy by that time.

She just gave him body. Haha.

You're still quite the wooden puppet and need to learn what it is to be a real boy before you go asking fairies for wishes.

0-0 wait...so we are in opposite positions!? I want a human heart, he wanted a human body?

Does that make me the tin man from Wizard of Oz then?

At least I'm not a stringed puppet...soo that's a step up, hard to see it getting much worse then that

annnnddd fine! I want a genie then, ideally Robin Willams lol

It's been awhile but I believe he wanted to be a real boy, too. He simply did not know how to be one. So he had to struggle and struggle until he was able to understand his own humanity.

So sadly, no, you're not the Tin Man. Since he always had his heart and always was a warm person that cared for others. You don't know what that means or what shape your caring takes, so you can't be that one.

Sigh. I feel we've gotten a little off the beaten path...

Sigh, yeah your right, was trying to lighten this dark mood...but fine, I'm not the tin man...

I still have a heart though...people I refused to steal from unless I was desperate...couples usually, mother's with children...Occasionally just sneaking something extra for someone else, or does a heart mean loving someone rather the simply not wishing to make things worse for someone else?

I apologize.

Such a weight isn't one that you're used to, hm? I'll try to be more reasonable about the mood for you.

But I will say that you'll have to decide what your heart is for. Mine is one that I attempt to make things not difficult for others, and to attempt to fix problems when I see them. It's what makes me the meddling person that I am, haha. But that is for me, and what connects me to other people.

You have to decide what connects you to others.

No, we are talking about deep weighty stuff...It's only recently that I've started to open up about this stuff...soo, I guess its natural to not want to sink all the way down...but...I need to right? So I wouldn't harm them again...

I honestly don't know, what my heart is for...How did you find what your heart was for?

and it's a decision about how we connect with others? Not something we discover as we go along?

And don't worry about meddling, cause I'd rather talk to you then one of those stinking social workers anyway

plus, eventually I'll come over and there is tasty food involved sooo, yeah way better then a social worker

That's right. If you don't want to harm them, you have to think on these weighted topics from time to time.

How did I find out? It connects to your following questions. It was a conscious decision I made about how I would relate to other people. In turn, it let me decide what shape my heart would take. We first have to make a choice and follow through with that decision. No one simply discovers what their heart is for.

The situation with the Tin Man, if I may return to that point. He consciously decided that he wanted to look after everyone; he wanted to be brave and wanted to love others. That was his decision all on his own. And while he needed to have it be pointed out, it was only a discovery that he had a heart, not what it was for.

You really building up my restaurant... I don't know how I feel about that...

So you shape your own heart? So...what if I wanted a noble heart?

Maybe make some use with all of these broken parts, and this hard path...

Like...I don't want another to go through what I have all alone...

I know, I'm not superman and can punch bad guys, or just spend money to make this dissapear..but...maybe in some small way, I could help someone heal...

I think that would be something I could be proud of

Well my friend, that falls on me, cause I can't very well be saying how I'm going to visit, and do so, and hate your food now can I?

Point of THAT being that food is involved, which is more then any social worker gave me

by the way where ARE you and whats your restaurant called?

Caussseee you might be getting free advertising by moi :)

Correct, you do.

If you want a noble heart, you have to work towards that goal. Eventually, it will take that shape through effort and time. It seems you have an idea and the rest will come to pass. One way or the other.

Free advertising. Good grief.
Well, I suppose I can't stop you.

[ Here is the address. ] And it is called RAMEN. Also, if you happen to hate the food, that would understandable.