at some random point during the festival

[hjack69]

trapped in an empty room probably abt to get murdered send help
may or may not have taken a baby chicken thing w me
if not for me do it for the chicken thing this bitey little asshole is adorable

[ attached is a selfie with a (much much smaller) chocobo that looks kind of like this. ]

what the hell is with the chicken things anyway did i miss something

Comments

[parodeity]

apparently theyre our new horses
or smth
my bro is looking into it
im pretty sure hes gonna start a crusade
but like
google horses you get zero results its kind of fucking weird

chicken things are chocobos btw
apparently
thats apparently a Thing now

1/2

[hjack69]

whats a horse

[hjack69]

nah im shittin you i remember what a horse is
huh
thats not totally goddamn weird and more than a little alarming or anything
this is apparently a chickabo then and its a gigantic jackass and it wont leave me alone
a guy just walks into the retrospec building and gets locked in wtf

[parodeity]

so youre like for reals trapped
have you tried kicking the door
or i guess one of us can like go see if its locked from the outside

are there like people in there ?
also man the animal handlers this year are not on the ball
i keep seeing freeroaming giant chickens its a little concerning

[hjack69]

ive been throwing myself at this goddamn door for like 20 minutes now and its not budging
i mean i tried like
EVERY wrestling move i could remember and no dice
unrelated but now my shoulder hurts
theres nobody even IN here its just a shitty fake plant and a waiting area and some doors that wont open
what the hell kind of multilevel building doesnt have stairs??
fire code is gonna be all UP this places ass

wait theyre not terrorizing the city and eating people right
bc if they are ill wait this one out

[daemonized]

Enjoying the festivities?

[helpful! trolling! today has been a weird day, ok.]

[hjack69]

just waiting for the guy w/o a shirt to come out of the shadows and tell me to put the lotion on my skin
nb
hows your day been

[daemonized]

One of the more interesting days I've had in my lifetime. I almost died a terrible death via red string.

Though it sounds like you won't let anyone steal the spotlight from you.

[hjack69]

well thank god you didnt how would i throw you down stairs then
ok for real though whats up with the red string did the big dumb ball of yarn in town get possessed or smth
and also get over here and help me asshole
i didnt have lunch so basically this chickens days are numbered unless someone lets me out

[daemonized]

Now I'm just starting to believe you've missed all the fun. Between getting crushed by a ball of yarn and finding out that we've all gone mental for believing that horses once existed.

Ah, and it's not a chicken, it's a "chocobo". Where are you right now?

[hjack69]

on the plus side i got the mardi gras mood beads so the days not a total wash
also this bird
" chocobo " whatever
im at retrospec hq
its weird as hell ardyn theres no one even here
nothing works the doors are all locked theres no stairs
theres this sweet fake plant though so thats nice i guess

[daemonized]

Are you sure someone isn't just pulling an elaborate practical joke on you? How did you even get in if all the doors are locked?

[Retrospec HQ, though. That's not suspicious at all.]

[hjack69]

if some douchebag wearing a backwards hat jumps out of a closet and tells me i just got punkd im committing manslaughter just as a heads up
door wasnt locked when i came in was the thing
then i dick around for less than two minutes during which NOBODY WAS AROUND come back and it wont even budge
h e l p

[daemonized]

That wouldn't be manslaughter, that would be murder.

Now calm down. I'm on my way. Won't be long.

[And he's right, it won't be long. Good thing Ardyn's already in the neighborhood; it's only a short while before he finds himself in front of Retrospec HQ. Peering in through the glass entrance doors, he tries to see if he can make out Jack and his chocobo friend.

Another text soon after:] I think you're fated to wither and die in there, Jack. The doors remain locked on the outside as well.

[parodeity]

ok well
ill meander that way
i think itll take me like 10 minutes though
but like if it wont open from the outside
i can try delinquency and attempt to pick the lock
if it is like
pickable
im not sure what kind of lock were talking about here

and so far they havent gone zombie chicken on us
but it could be only a matter of time before they develop a taste for flesh
ill keep you posted dude

[darkinferno]

how did you get yourself trapped in an empty room

sounds to me like someone made a mistake

[conveniently ignoring the fact that he did the exact same thing not too long ago.]

[hjack69]

oh jeez yeah ill remember this next time i WALK INTO A ROOM
srsly nobody told me this was gonna be one of those dumb room escape ar games or i wouldnt have brought this dumb chicken thing

[hjack69]

potayto potahto

[ To Jack's credit, he does wait patiently. The distressed texts only come after Ardyn's last message. ]

go rent a bulldozer bc i am NOT dying in some shitty waiting room that doesnt even spring for living plants

[daemonized]

You're not going to die in there. It takes approximately 3 weeks to starve to death, and you have a chicken with you, so you've even longer than that.

[Which is admittedly not very helpful, but, well, Ardyn is trying to figure out exactly how to proceed here. Is this the part where he calls the fire department?

He knocks on the glass door of the entrance. Hello in there. Come closer, and maybe you can hear him through it so he doesn't have to keep texting.]

[hjack69]

thank god kids are still learning how to break into things i was afraid that particular set of skills died with my generation
if that doesnt work then go hotwire a car and run it into the door itll prob be fine

[hjack69]

im not gonna ask what you expect me to drink
hell hold on someones at the door

[ There's plenty of adorable tiny kwehs going on in the building, accompanied by the occasional "ow" and "god dammit" as Jack nearly trips over the teeny chocobo. Jack knocks back, voice rising. ]

Open the dooooooooooooooor.

[daemonized]

[Ardyn leans in, and while he does feel a bit sorry for Jack being stuck in there, he can't quite hide the uneven grin on his face. He's ignoring the tiny little "kwehs" for now, and looks directly at the man instead.

He has to raise his voice a little, because Jack's is coming across somewhat muffled by the barrier between them.] I told you, I already tried. [A hand comes up again, knuckles rapping on glass.] Haven't you tried breaking the glass yet?

[hjack69]

Nope, did not even occur to me. Wow. No wonder you went into teaching.

[ alright so maybe he's a little snappier than usual. ]

This crap is solid. Can't even take out these windows by swingin' a chair around. Seriously starting to think we're gonna need that bulldozer, Ardyn.

[ of course, he has no idea that messing around on Retrospec means the door is totally unlocked. God. he's going to die in here. ]

i'm sorry

[daemonized]

[Poor Jack. You are definitely being trolled by Ardyn right now. He isn't a cruel man, but the snappier tone does just kind of motivate him further.]

Well. I really don't know what to do then. [He straightens and shrugs in the most dramatic way possible. A hand comes up to fiddle at his scarf.]

It was good knowing you, a true pleasure. You're not going to really eat that "chocobo", are you?

worst friend EVER

[hjack69]

Ass. Hole.

[ Just give him a second to. Scoop up the chocobo, holding up a fingergun to its fluffy fat little head. ]

Get me outta here or the bird gets it.