4/6, TEXT

[hjack69]

aight chumps quick q
anybody ever seen these before?
bc theyre frickin rad laser guns retrospec sent me and im wondering if anybody else ended up getting advanced space age tech in the mail lately
you recognize these or the name " hyperion " lmk

[ Attached is a photo of the guns in question. ]

heads up: try and take these away from me and i will absolutely zap you in the balls

Comments

[arahoushi]

not a clue, boss, but from the front they look more like a funky rocket than laser guns

or any kind of gun

they don't actually look like guns at all

[hjack69]

yeah i mean
i guess theyre technically rockets?
but they rocket lasers at your balls
i mean i had a hallucinomemory ( tm ) abt using them to shoot at space commandos who were trying to idk blow up my space station soooooo im 100% on them being guns

[ just. gonna throw all that out there without context. ]

[arahoushi]

[...ok, not sure context would actually be helpful here]

wow
i literally have no idea what to say to that

upside: anyone tries to invade the city you can just shoot their balls off

[trivialization]

Space guns from the future. Great.

I guess this isn't really going to damage my sense of reality any more than the fruit so I might as well ask.

What's it going to take for me to get ten minutes with one of those?

[wiselys]

Hyperion was a titan in Greek Mythology. I'm guessing that's unrelated.

[complementing]

you're keeping them? [She's asking for a friend. Who got a gun and a spear in the mail.]

[rednerd]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume those aren't registered.

[NICE. He gets to actually see the gift guns Togusa was saying people were getting from Retrospec.

You know there's police that monitor this app, right?

[parodeity]

can they shoot through walls

[aegist]

that's so much cooler than jewelry. i which the hr email on this stupid thing worked, i'd demand a refund.

[doublesmall]

[the display name on this is 'chuunya nyakahaira', thanks a lot retrospec]

holy shit I'm jealous

all they sent me was a knife what the hell is this, can I get an exchange

[hjack69]

i dunno
depends on whether or not i can trust you not to friggin take it apart
not that i wouldnt be able to put it back together?
im like
weirdly familiar w how these things work

[hjack69]

i mean im not ruling anything out at this point
but the guns say hyperion and i got a sweater that says it too
has the same color scheme
im guessing its some kinda organization?

in which case WOW that is a pretentious af naming scheme

[hjack69]

pshYEAH oh my god
are you saying you WOULDNT?
theyre frickin laser guns ive been dreaming of having some crap like this since i was ten

[hjack69]

what are they gonna do
confiscate guns that DONT EXIST? i mean afa everybody else not in on this retrospec crapfest is concerned anyway
show of goodwill etc etc
at least now if people start getting lasered in the ballsack theyll have a lead
i think im being pretty nice actually

[hjack69]

i absolutely do not speak from experience when i say sometimes
idk depends on how close you are and how thick the wall is
i mean i literally remember using these to shoot at commando dudes for trying to blow up my space station so they can at LEAST punch through halo armor

[hjack69]

they gave me a frickin crapload of crap its totally crazy
like theres the guns but theres also a sweater?
and a board game?
so i guess theres a useful awesome crap vs useless semi-awesome crap ratio going on here

[hjack69]

hey you got badbooty gravity skillz
i mean
you cant actually CONTROL them afaik but its still ALMOST as cool as laser guns

[hjack69]

does this mean i get to lead the rebellion when aliens show up and enslave humanity
bc i would be ok w that

[trivialization]

If they're smart I'm going to want way more than ten minutes.

If they're not I just want to enjoy the proven thrill of blowing something up.

[hjack69]

nvm youre officially banned from touching anything i own

[trivialization]

Wait, are you honestly not interested in trying them out?

[Man is she going to have a lot of face to save if she went and said something more boyish than frickin' Jack]

[hjack69]

just promise you wont blow THEM up in the process and find somewhere we can pshew pshew to our hearts content and yeah sure we can try em out
just uh
i mean these things pack a kick so were gonna need somewhere cleared out if we dont wanna get arrested

[parodeity]

wait wait wait
you have space memories too?

[hjack69]

wait so do you?
whats the last space-y thing you remember

[complementing]

okay let me rephrase you're keeping something that dangerous when they're from RETROSPEC? because I totally agree with you laser guns are really cool and I would happily volunteer to watch you zap stuff all day but weapons from a shady app organization screams suspicious to me as if nothing else hadn't already btw