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Hey, Users! This month's wikihow is right over here. In other news, don't you just love our logo colors? Such a nice shade of blue. I'm pretty fond of it myself! You know, Janet has blue eyes. But then, I guess you guys don't know anyone with eyes that color anymore, right? Whoops.

Anyway, see you next month! Well, some of you anyway. :)

Jim Halloway
Research & Development
Retr

spec Incorporated

As discussed on the monthly plot post the colors blue and green are now gray - except for the blue on the retrospec application logo and their building sign, although no NPC will be capable of seeing the color in these places. As stated in the plot post, NPCs will also seem to be completely unaware that the colors blue and green ever existed. Oops.

Please feel free to use this post as a network mingle. Every toplevel can be considered a new post, and threadjacking is permitted. No NPC response will be given. Usernames are the character's full real AU names, not aliases or chosen nicknames or usernames, and seemed to have filled themselves in; nothing characters do can change or obscure their names currently. Last's month's application round characters are now capable of changing their profile pictures.

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[ ..."Person"... only there was more than one. There were people he knew and cared about, people he didn't know and came to care about. People, that he hurt, and one is already too much. ]

They forgave me. They worried for me, and wanted to help me. [ He throws the word with a tinge of desperation, a glance over at Terra because why would they want to help him after they've been hurt? ] I care about them, and that's why I can't forgive it.

Don't you think that's a little disrespectful, though? [He moves his arm from Ryoji's back to around his shoulder. It's a loose kind of touch, he doesn't even necessarily realize. Maybe it's the liquor, but it just feels like the right thing to be doing.]

They endured pain, were able to recognize it wasn't something you wanted, and forgave you. That takes a lot of strength and heart...And by insisting that you not be forgiven, isn't that the same as telling them that they're wrong, and that their strength to forgive you, and but faith back in you is foolishness?

[He pauses, taking a deliberate sip from his drink.]

If someone loves you enough to give you a second chance, you don't waste it. The second chance doesn't always come. You're lucky to be forgiven, so accept their warmth and strength and start moving forward instead of locking yourself away.

Yeah?

[ Ryoji stares at Terra all the while, shoulders dropping with the extra weight and him leaning back onto Terra's arm. People never put their arms around his shoulders; they hug, for comfort, but an arm around his shoulder is support. "I got your back" or "I get what you're going through," and the more he listens and stares, he wonders if Terra does, to have an eloquently put essay at the ready. ]

Yeah. You're right. You... sound like you know a lot about this?

[ He asks instead of saying, wishing he could be more direct like Terra is. ]

Like I said, I've hurt a lot of people. On accident and otherwise. Even if I think I'm a bad person, certain people have forgiven me, and put their faith in me to be better. If I hurt myself, or push those people away, I'm only hurting them, and making them relive something they don't want to be a part of anymore. Even if you hate yourself, let yourself be forgiven, for them.

[A reassuring shoulder squeeze. Terra leans back a bit on the couch, starting to smile at Ryoji with a very soft, gentle look in his grayed out eyes.]

Otherwise, no one is happy. Ryoji, you have such a great, kind heart, man. Way more kind than I think I could ever hope to be. People love you, and want to forgive you, so instead of focusing on guilt, focus on becoming a better person. Even if what happened was an accident, make yourself more aware, stronger, more confident for the people that you love.

They trust you to keep them safe, and to hold their feelings in your heart, never taking them for granted. And that makes you...a pretty lucky guy.

[ Ryoji's life had been overturned not even a full month ago, guilt and regret still eating away at him so strongly, it feels impossible to start moving past it all. But hearing Terra is assuring— the touch, the smile Ryoji can't manage by himself but mirrors automatically upon seeing, the reminder that he is, honestly, so blessed with how much people have come to love him, to the extent that someone who has known him for such a short time as Terra can give him such heartfelt words.

He's quiet in taking it all in, marveling, a little. A part of him wants to turn away, excusing it as modesty, but that would be going against everything Terra is trying to make him understand, and so he turns to him instead, takes that hand off his shoulder but only so he can bring it down to his lap to hold. ]

I understand. I am pretty lucky. I'm very lucky, especially to get to know you, Terra. I don't think I'd ever hear these words from anybody else... I think, in a way, you're much kinder than I am. You understand people much better, care for them much more... Honestly, I think you're amazing.

Nah. [Terra's smile slowly turns into an open, shining grin. Ryoji gave even Minako's kindness a run for her money. To be seen in such a good light and accepted with so much kindness...It's a feeling he's been desperate for for a long time. Terra Mason, you're not a rotten person anymore, are you? His smile brims with confidence before downing the rest of his drink.]

I'm just a really good bartender. [He gives Ryoji a soft squeeze.]

When I first met you, I thought we couldn't be more different. I thought...there's no way I could compete with this guy, or relate to this guy. There's nooooo way she's not in love with him.

But we're a lot more alike that I thought. Like two sides of the same coin. Strength and kindness, guilt and responsibility...I don't know if I understand other people, but I definitely understand you. So maybe we're both amazing, eh?

[ Ryoji laughs, soft and confused at first, but then more genuinely. He was never competitive for anything— had more faith in fate than in himself— but relating is what he always seeks from others. ]

Hm. Yeah, we're both amazing. Strong, kind... guilty... and responsible enough to face it. If we're similar, then she probably loves you too. [ A pause, brief, then a guess. ] Minako?

She's the only mutual friend I know we have, so, yeah. Minako.

[Puts his drink down to rub the back of his head a bit sheepish.]

Not that I meant anything by that, y'know. I just...

[Said things without thinking? Thought things without thinking?]

I never did ask her that question, you know.

Why?

[ He shouldn't pry, he knows it. But he knows Minako, and he knows himself, who is sort of like Terra, and so by association... He thinks he should ask. ]

You're a good person. I would vouch for you.

Probably because I don't know what she'll say.

[He turns his gaze away from Ryoji, back up at the ceiling.]

And that's spooky.

[Blinkblink. Hold up.]

V-vouch for me...?

She'll say yes, or no.

[ It's a yes or no question. Unless you're a certain persona protag with the dialogue option "Whatever," but he's sure Minako wouldn't leave Terra hanging like that. Not if he can help it. ]

I'm sure she knows you better than I do- your kindness, and your strength. It probably isn't even necessary to tell her again, but if you need me... I'm here for you.

[It's now apparent that he was looking at the ceiling because he was blushing profusely.]

D-Dude! I didn't say I was going to ask her out...Just like..Just--Just like--Just...

You know...

What I mean to her...

[Yeah you're not getting eye contact back any time soon.]

That too.

[ TOO. Ryoji, now that the conversation is off him, leans to nudge his shoulder against Terra's, as if the bump would make him look back down. ]

You should ask her what you mean to her. After that, tell her how much she means to you. And then ask her out.

[ Easy. ]

...I need another drink. Several in fact. [Runs his hands through his hair, embarrassed and exasperated. He tilts his head only slightly, looking over at Ryoji, or at least in Ryoji's general direction. Maybe...Maybe if he just doesn't address it, the feelings will go away.]

You know, she turned me down once already. I asked her out when we first met.

[His eyes start to lose focus, as if he's starting to daydream.]

She was so pretty, just sitting by herself. I knew I'd regret not talking to her. And then she went and rejected me. [He laughs to himself, before focusing his eyes back on Ryoji.]

Changed my life anyways.

[ Ryoji's eyes soften at that last line, because that's the Minako that he knows, somebody who changes every life that she touches. He'd first talked to her when he was little, and with each letter and email, his love for her only grew. ]

She's good at that, changing lives... If I hadn't met her, I don't think I'd be able to smile like I can now. So I always want her to be able to smile too- that's why I'll never pass a chance to tell her that I love her. Even if she rejected you before, you should tell her again. How you think she's pretty, how much she's changed your life.

That's the thing, you know? [He straightens himself, leaning forward and putting his hands on his knees, turning to look in front of him at a bottle on the table. He pours himself another drink.]

Who isn't in love with her?

...Not that I'm saying I am, but...

I don't know if I'm special to her the way she's special to me. The way she's special to everyone. Maybe I'm just another one of her fans.

Maybe this is all stupid. [Terra reaches for his glass and takes a quick drink.]

My god, what am I even talking about?

You're talking about how she's special to you. That's a good enough reason to ask.

[ Ryoji will just take that bottle and empty it in his own cup, not to drink but just to keep safe. ]

I think... if everybody admires her, and loves her, but are too scared to approach her... it's regretful. The kind of love that Minako extends to everybody is unique to that person, to you, Terra, no matter how many other people there are.

[He starts to look down at his glass kind of sadly, albeit with a soft smile on his face.]

You're right. I want her to know that I...love her too, I just...

[Terra swishes the liquid in his cup around rhythmically.

Can't.

[A long silence lingers between them for a bit.]

Ryoji, do you think it's wrong to get involved with someone if they don't know all of your secrets?
Like...
Bad. Stuff?

[ Ryoji falls quiet, encouragement faltering because that's... exactly what he did, getting involved with someone and being so slow in telling her of his far past, and very recent past of all the regrets he had spilled out to Terra. ]

I think my opinion weighs less than yours and who you want to be with. But for me... I believe that the present is more important than the past. I don't think all secrets need to be shared. And I know this opinion isn't what most people hold, or think is fair.

I think about telling her every time I'm with her.

[The grip on his glass tightens.]

I...agree with you, Ryoji. We're not the same people we used to be, and we don't need to take that stuff with us everywhere we go.

...But I'm scared of what would happen if she found out. [This time, the way he takes his drink is a lot more aggressive. A drink to forget instead of a drink to relax.]

I don't want to feel like I'm lying to her, but if she didn't accept me, I...Don't know what I'd do.

[It's strange. It felt like he'd never talk to anyone like this, and yet here he was, spilling his guts. Maybe it's the kinship between them--the feeling of similarity that's allowing him to share himself. Maybe Ryoji would judge him if he found out what he did, but he's still the closest thing he has to himself.]

...I get it. Maybe our situations are different, but I was- I'm still there, at the point where I have something I need to tell somebody important to me, but I can't, out of fear. It's... [ He glances at Terra, almost looks away again but forces himself to maintain eye contact. ] It's what I told you before, about hurting people. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt her too.

I'm so scared to tell her, but... I need to have faith in her that she'll forgive me, that she won't leave me. Even if I feel like I would die if she rejected me, trust is love.

And I love her.

Oh yeah, Mina did mention your girlfriend...[He's just assuming here, although he briefly wonders if he meant Minako herself. Terra puts his free hand on Ryoji's shoulder, a bit stern, but supportive.]

If you're feeling nervous and uneasy about not having told her...If it bothers you to know that you're keeping this from her, and that you may never be able to tell her...

Is that really a healthy relationship that you want her to be in?
That's why...I feel like I would have to tell her, eventually...
You both should be happy, I don't know if its fair to either party to let a big black cloud loom overhead...You know? [And talking through this makes it easier to look at his own situation objectively.]

[ His relationship with Yuuko felt like one that's seen opposition from all sides at one point or another, but because so many people cared for her, warning— threatening— Ryoji of the consequences of making her cry. Whiiiiiiich is going to happen, the longer he drags his feet, so it's a very easily admitted, ] I know. [ the Ryoji breathes out. ]

It's like how you said before: I find it hard to forgive myself, but I hope that she would. I know... she won't think it my fault, and she'll worry for me in my stead, because she's always supported me like that.

[ The black cloud is over only Ryoji's head, inside his head. He just has to remember, they've helped each other through bad times before. ]

I'll talk to her. Tonight- before I lose my nerve. And you?

[ When are you going to talk to Minako? ]

Brave of you, dude. [he'll get a few more encouraging pats from the bigger guy]

It'll be okay.

[And then folds his arms behind his head and leans back, thinking carefully. He's been thinking about telling her, but to try to put a date on it...It's like bringing the possibility fully into reality. Once he responds to this, it's going to happen, and the future is set in stone.]

...The next time we're alone.

I always resigned myself to just...living with this hanging over my head, but.
Maybe I don't have to, and with her...I don't think I want to.

So I need to know.

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