002 - Octopus's Garden In the Shade

[thebeastwithout]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Today on the hot mess that is Retrospec, somebody's either fallen asleep on their keyboard or allowed their cat to play with the computer for too long, 'cause there's a solid string of this for about a minute straight.]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Garfield Logan added 3 new photos - in Huntington Avenue, Recollé
2 mins

[The first photo is a blurry image of Gar screaming, with only his head and upper chest visible. Something long and twisty is visible at the edge of the frame.

The second is a slightly less blurry image of a... realistic-looking octopus tentacle, for some reason.

The last is an image of Gar's bare chest underneath a ripped shirt, which no one ever really wanted to see, but we're all being traumatized today so just go with it. Everything looks normal up until the part where his shoulder attaches to the octopus tentacle in the previous picture.

It's kinda gross.]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Comments

[windeity]

ok like. all of us would probably believe that, but what about everybody else? that might be a problem.
the mayor would probably give you an award though. he paid people to pick up rogue turkeys.
ok, try something else. favorite video game, what is it? since like. i never asked and now i am curious.

[And this seems to be a good distraction.]

[thebeastwithout]

haha are you kidding???
mega monkeys 4, course

it's a masterpiece of modern gaming! pretty much a work of art, move over mona lisa

it's the perfect blend of action and humor!! and the cutscenes are at like a jillion FPS!

i mean it's gonna be totally obsolete when mega monkeys 5 comes out in a few months but that's like art right

art is temporary
the only thing that's certain is life
and also your arm turning into a tentacle

[windeity]

that...is about the answer i was expecting to be honest.
not that i would say life is certain since you have a tentacle arm and i can dissolve my entire body when i feel like it, but i appreciate the notion.
do me a favor. try typing with your tentacle.

[thebeastwithout]

oops did i write life
i meant death
death is pretty certain
like the death of my social life and also my happiness and pretty much everything else currently in my life

and uh

why?

[windeity]

yeah about that...
actually you could probably spin this into something that would make you insanely popular. everybody likes things that are different.
and because. just try it.

[thebeastwithout]

ok chicks dig like
vampires and werewolves
buff vampires and werewolves
not sure where octopus people fit into this

i guess i can try

splorp

that's the sound effect it makes when it hits the keyboard btw

[after a few seconds, gar comes up with the following.]

iuf i traP ig rewal lite it weorkas ok

[windeity]

i don't know, some girls also like really strong arms and there is not much stronger than an octopus arm.
...ok yeah this is as hilarious as i thought.
but it kind of works.

[thebeastwithout]

wuoiw u juist weAanted tro be entertasiend

rude

i'm facing 60 years of life as a sewer monster haunting recolle from the septic tanks man don't take this so lightly

if you never hear from me again my will's in my sock drawer underneath the socks with t. rexes on them btw just pretend i'm dead it will be better that way

[windeity]

it will NOT be 60 years as a sewer monster.
octopi don't live in the sewer.
...dumb question. have you tried turning into another animal yet?
like thinking about that.

[thebeastwithout]

but if i live in the ocean i won't even be able to get around the city :(

you mean like
not human?
cause i've been thinking about being human
being human is pretty great
what else would i want to be

[windeity]

ok but the ocean is probably a lot cooler than the city? just saying.
and yes. like. if your arm turned into an octopus, what if it can turn into something else too? and that is why it won't go back to your normal arm?

[thebeastwithout]

i guess marine biology's cool

so you think i'm so hung up on forcing it to go back that i'm psyching myself out or something?

i guess

what do it want it to be

[windeity]

i think so, yeah. it is possible.
try something different than a sea creature. or at least something that has a hand that can grip things?

[thebeastwithout]

ok i can do that
if i turn more into a mutant alien though i'm gonna blame you is that ok

i'm gonna think about...

raccoons?

[windeity]

i will absolutely take the blame for that.
but sure. think about raccoons. they can make fists and stuff.

[thebeastwithout]

if i were a raccoon
i'd be happier than i am now
cause raccoons probably don't really know much about mutating into aliens
also raccoons are kinda cute
i bet i'd have fans

...
...
...

[windeity]

...how's that going for you?

[thebeastwithout]

i'm channeling the spirit of the raccoon man
raccoons can't type

shhhhhhh

let the raccoon flow through you

[windeity]

i will, i will.
good luck dude. let me know how it goes.

[thebeastwithout]

[eventually, within the next few hours, John will get the following text:]

i have good news and bad news
the good news is that i have raccoon hands now
the bad news is that i have raccoon hands now, plural

guess what raccoons can type if they really try

i guess

i'll keep trying...

[windeity]

...on the one hand, two hands are better than one!
on the other hand, they're raccoon hands.
but it worked for that raccoon on that superhero team so i think it is still an improvement over an octopus.
good luck dude.