retrospec | (no subject)

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Whoa...the post settings from the admin accounts are really different than the normal accounts.

I'm sure you're expecting Jo or Maury or one of the others but those are all people who are way smarter and way more qualified than me, and those people are working overtime to trace down a signal we keep picking up on. Not sure what it means yet, but I'm hoping for the best. We thought we were able to isolate the problem when the other regions appeared on the current layer but it's something deeper.

But hey, isn't that what we're all trying to do here? Hope for the best.

Call me curious, but what's your favorite color? I've been teaching myself color theory lately. Bonus points if you say "why", too.

Zee Carlisle
Hiring Manager
Retr

spec Incorporated

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[Lillian smiled, not quite as bright as earlier but still a smile.]

Well I'm glad it makes sense to someone. [Her voice was clearing teasing, and she shook her head before Anna could respond.]

Sorry, I'm just jokin'. It's the kinda thing you have to joke about, yeah? [She drew in a breath.] But...yeah. I mean, if you're talkin' about the whole...well. [She shrugged.] You know. Doin' stuff for fun, not worryin' about long term or relationships or nothing.

I ain't really got time for anything long term.

[Anna took that in, staying quiet for what felt like a pretty long time, even though she laughed (very weakly) when she had the opening. this was so fucking hard to talk about. obviously, Lillian had been dealing with it for years, and this part specifically for months, so she had no problems discussing it, but Anna... god, she was out of her depth.]

That's what I was saying made sense now. I don't... [no, never mind. she shook her head.] Sorry. I'm still trying to process all of this. [not every day you found out a friend was dying and there wasn't anything that could be done about it.]

God, I probably sounded like a real asshole earlier with all that stuff about meds.

What?

[Lillian seemed genuinely startled by what Anna had said there, and she suddenly reached out to grab the other girl's hand in her own, clasping it between them as she moved suddenly to stand in front of her.]

No, you didn't. Not at all. Anna, I ain't judgin' you or mockin' you or...or anything. I'm just sayin' that I understand how...hard things can be. And how sometimes we're sad and we can't do anything about it and we just...keep goin'.

[She smiled, her bright smile from earlier, though there was a kind of sadness in her eyes, like this was a conversation she had had before. She gently squeezed Anna's hand with hers.]

I just want you to be okay. All I was tryin' to do is help. I like ya a lot, and I don't like doin' nothing when somebody I like is sad. So. Tryin' to help.

[oh. um. oh. Anna stopped short and met Lillian's eyes, and just let her talk for a moment while she did the thing she didn't do enough of and listened.]

[seemed like her normal tactic of trying to garner pity or whatever for herself wasn't going to work here, and that was probably for the best because it wasn't a great tactic to begin with. but Lillian, in all her honesty, might have said something there that played around in Anna's head a little. and she didn't like it there. she had to ask before she got the wrong idea.]

You said you like me a lot. And you're used to doing things without getting attached to people. [she glanced at her carefully.] Just hanging out with you is making me feel better, but it sounds a lot to me like you're suggesting something.

[Lillian froze at that, only for a moment but it was probably noticeable, and then her eyes flicked away. Not out of embarrassment or shame, she was just...processing what she had said, what she was thinking. How she felt? She tended to do most things by the seat of her pants, living in the moment, doing what felt right and fun. It meant sometimes she said things even she didn't expect.]

Huh. [She looked back at Anna, smiling a smile that was somewhere between sheepish and amused.] I guess I was? Or I guess I am? I wasn't meanin' to, it just kinda came out, but you know how brains are, yeah?

[She laughed softly. For most people this would have been a stressful or embarrassing moment, but Lillian almost seemed relieved by it? Her emotions did tend to get the better of her, but it was nice when she figured them out.]

You ain't gotta say anythin' back though. No pressure at all or nothin', really. We can just keep on walkin' like we were, maybe talk about somethin' else.

[She has not let go of Anna's hand though. Didn't even seem to realize it?]

[well, that made one of them feeling relieved. it didn't send tension all the way up Anna's spine, but it did put her on... guard, sort of. she wasn't pleased with herself for that to be her reaction, but it was happening anyway and she didn't have much say in the matter.]

[if nothing else, she wasn't going to take her hand back. maybe she was just stunned. maybe that was why she said something that just... struck her, even as she was saying it, as the most quintessentially Anna Lehmann thing to say.]

There are a ton of better people in this city than me for something like that. [even if there wasn't going to be any (or much) attachment involved.] You don't want someone who hasn't touched a girl since the last presidential administration.

[she wasn't opposed to the idea of some no-strings-attached stuff in general, but it was... really complicated in ways that she hadn't exactly figured out for herself yet. and she wasn't going to go around announcing them in public or anything. that would just be dumb.]

[Part of the problem was Lillian couldn't actually promise it would wind up attachmentless. She tended to work that way, but who knew what tomorrow would be like? Still, rather than comment on Anna's...self-deprecation, she just smiled, giving her hand another squeeze.]

I want what I want.

[A little shrug after that, and she let go of the other girl's hand with one of hers, holding it in the other as she turned back around and started walking again, presumably giving the taller girl a little pull to get her to start moving too.]

[yeah, yeah, sure. Anna started walking again hand in hand, thinking about how simple Lillian's answer was and how she'd heard it from Astin before, too. if people kept saying that they liked her regardless of who she was or how she acted, she was liable to get a positive self-image or something.]

You sure as hell do, huh. I'm just warning you, you know? I don't come with bright colors or a horrible smell. Gotta use my words to let people know what a bad idea I am.

[she already believed it less and less the more times she said it, though.]

[That made Lillian giggle softly.]

You really don't. [A thoughtful pause.]

That would be really handy though. If toxic people had like, a smell. Or their skin turned purple or somethin'.

We beat up toxic people enough and their skin'll turn purple.

[not that she'd been much of a fistfighter for a while. she'd grown out of that. and her sword wasn't for people.]

I don't think I'm toxic, though. I think I'm just shit at a lot of stuff when it comes to, like, emotions and feelings. There's a whole city full of people who handle their shit healthily, and then there's me, who just gets crossfaded in the middle of the day to deal with knowing she's gonna turn into a robot.

[Lillian's eyes narrowed at that, her cheerful face fading, for a moment at least.]

...Turn into a robot? Ya mean because of retrospec?

Yeah.

[she's suddenly very aware of the sensation of holding somebody's hand and isn't really. eager. to give that up.]

A robot who killed other robots. An older model, programmed to kill machines. Just programmed in general. I'm not looking forward to it.

[If anything, Lillian's grip on the other girl's hand tightened as Anna spoke, even when her own gaze shifted back to the path in front of them.]

My sister, she has memories of being a robot. [She finally said, her voice much more subdued than usual.] Last month her arms...changed. They're mechanical now.

They are?

[that gave Anna pause, but only in her thoughts and words; she kept walking forward, one foot after the other, and squeezed Lillian's hand back. maybe this wasn't the right thing to say, but it was the first thing that came to mind.]

There's... the Geteilts. That whole family. They're all sisters and they all have more or less the same things happening to each other.

[she gave Lillian a knowing look, not wanting to say out loud that there might have been two future robots in this conversation.]

[Lillian was quiet for longer than she realized after that, looking ahead still. Finally she let out a breath through her nose.]

...Yeah. I got a couple memories, they don't...make sense unless.

[She just trailed off.]

[yeah. there it was. Anna sighed quietly, not exactly proud of herself for giving Lillian those thoughts.]

Sorry. I know it sucks. That's... I mean, come on. You had to know I wasn't depressed about wings.

[Lillian couldn't help but smile at that, finally looking over at Anna again.]

Had an inklin', yeah.

[Another squeeze of her hand.]

It does suck. I'm just...tryin' not to dwell on it. Angela was and it almost broke her. You gotta...

[She hesitated, then her smile turned a bit rueful.]

If I start spoutin' advice, you ain't gonna get all insulted right?

[she smirked, but only barely. Anna always was more transparent than she let herself believe.]

Not now that you warned me. Go for it.

[she made a mental note to keep an eye out for the name Angela Aust, while they were at it. maybe when she was in a better mood.]

Hah. So it's like...

[Lillian trailed off, gathering her thoughts.]

I've spent half my life knowing I was dyin'. That makin' it to twenty would be a struggle and twenty-five would be impossible. At first it was...so much. I was just this useless angry teenager furious at the whole world for doin' this to me.

[She pursed her lips, frustrated at the memory of herself.]

I wasted a lotta time like that. But finally...I realized that you have to...to find what you can. Right now. Let's say I'll be dead next week, right? That means I gotta live every day from now till then getting all the joy and excitement and happiness and sadness and heartbreak and love...all of it. Every bit of it I can.

[She knew it sounded ridiculous, sappy and ridiculous, but it ahd gotten her through.]

'Cause if I ain't, I might as well just be dead right now.

[it was sappy, but it sure as hell wasn't ridiculous. it made sense with everything she'd heard over the course of this conversation. and with what she'd heard someone else tell her recently. a lot of people in her life seemed to have that kind of philosophy, and that was... troubling. but she listened, and she nodded along, and once again she bit her tongue about the idea that robots don't have diseases and if she really was going to turn into one then her entire life philosophy was moot.]

A lot of people are saying that. Just to enjoy the stuff I can do as a human before I turn into a robot and can't do it anymore. Just 'cause it's a different kind of timer doesn't make it less of a timer.

Makes a lot of sense. It's probably easier for you, though. No offense or anything, but you've known about your whole situation for a while. You've had time to change your life and make sure that you don't have any regrets chasing you. [she's not proud of herself for what she's saying, really, but she's saying it anyway.]

I've known about the robot thing for a week at best, and I've got eight years of regrets that aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

[Lillian nodded at that.]

Yeah, it takes time. It took me years, but I'm thinkin' you ain't got that much. [A little sigh.]

Just...I'm here for you, as you figure it out, alright? Assumin' you're here for me too. [This last bit was said with some teasing, a little smile back on her face.]

And I'd like to think we ain't really able to offend each other this far into a conversation like this.

[that'd be nice, not worrying about offending Lillian. but even with as brash and confident as Anna was with her words, she doubted a fair amount that anyone would take kindly to the kind of thing that she wanted to say right now. and she liked Lillian's company, so she'd just. keep that one inside her for the moment, until time bore her out.]

I ain't going anywhere. Can't promise I'll be half as much as help as your sister or whoever else, but I'm not gonna get so depressed that I cut myself off from everyone. [hell of a promise, but she felt like keeping it more and more lately.]

Might go radio silent for a bit depending on what hits me when, but it's not gonna be a permanent thing. Fuckin' wild thinking I have a support network here that would get worried about me if I did.

[Lillian laughed again.]

Oh how insane, people care about you. So unbelievable.

[A bit of dry sarcasm, even as her attention flicked away.]

But yeah, take your time. You disappear too long and I'll come knockin' though, just to check on you.

[Hm.]

[yeah. that was how things like this tended to work, she noticed. and she appreciated it, but she also felt something change in Lillian's tone and tried shifting the conversation back to her.]

Yeah, same. I'm not gonna ignore you. Especially now that you told me all that stuff, and I'm kind of getting the idea you keep that a secret.

[it would be massively shitty of her to learn something that personal about Lillian and just ignore her, after all. that wasn't the kind of person she was.]

It ain't a secret. But it ain't really...out there either, ya know?

[Lillian couldn't predict her coughing fits enough to keep being sick a genuine secret. She just...didn't talk about it unless she felt someone should know, or it came up.]

So thanks. [Hm. This conversation had gotten awfully dark, hadn't it. Even if Anna seemed a little...brighter? But not really.]

Hey, you ever been skydiving?

[Why yes that did seem to be a really random question.]