retrospec | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Happy New Years, users.

I'll cut to the chase; the barrier we instilled a few months ago is decaying quickly and we're sorting through the new data as fast as we can. This barrier was originally designed to contain a rogue error. There are several of you who have taken care of this issue and from here we will handle the rest...thank you. The influx of data will help us decode our next steps.

As mentioned, we've spent December tracing several magical sources that are coming up in our readings. We're doing the best we can to trace Clarence--Mr. Vanderweele, and corral the effects he's altering in the city. I believe we're ready to tear down the firewall and begin exploring further. If our information is correct, we're really breaking the boundaries of the layers we've discovered lately! It's exciting, don't you think?

The only information I can offer is that we will need you to be strong no matter what happens. We believe things have changed outside of security measures we've set in place, though we will need more data to understand the best way to stabilize the city from his control. We understand if you cannot and do not wish to help, but please know we're doing everything we can.

Please take care.

Joanne Wiseman
Technician 2nd class
Retr

spec Incorporated

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i never think it is until i'm a couple chapters in.

What happened, Lina?

nothing new.
i'm still mad at myself for the way i'm acting and i don't know how to stop.
i shouldn't be afraid.

i talk a big game but here i am.

You admitting to it is one less step at least.
You haven’t talked to any of them yet?

i made them all thanksgiving dinners and delivered them to their houses, but i didn't stick around to talk to them when they opened the door. i was too scared. i shouldn't be scared of my own sisters.

jasmine isn't on the app anymore.

I know. I takes to Rose about Jasmine.

Scared of what they’d think of you?

i know what one of them thinks of me. that's not what i'm scared of. or i guess that isn't the right kind of scared.

What is it then, that they’ll think worse?

i'm afraid of Clover.

i don't want to be, but i'm afraid of how she'll react if i say that i'm having a rough time of things and i need to be. away from my sisters for a while. if i just say that outright. it's not running away, i'm not running away, i'm still here for them, i just need time for myself too and she's just getting worse and worse and i can't do anything to help her because she won't let anybody help her and i'm so worried about her but i'm so, so scared of her and i shouldn't be and i hate it

[ eren reads this, and takes his time to reread. ]

What do you mean she’s getting worse?

[ . . . is he the last one to realize something or is clover just different around him? ]

she thinks she's hiding it well but i know she's hurting. a lot. and now that i'm finally strong enough to do something to protect her i can't make myself talk to her long enough to let her know i'm still here.

she called me a fake bitch and a self-serving coward. she thinks i abandoned her. that i abandoned our family.

Did you say anything the way you told me?

i haven't said anything to her and i can't stop being angry at myself for it

it shouldn't be easier to gossip about my sisters than it is to talk to them. i shouldn't be afraid of them. i shouldn't be afraid period. i'm strong now.

Other than fear, what’s really stopping you?
Worse than what it is, it won’t be.

i don't know

i
i really don't know
every time i think about texting her or maybe running into her on the street or going over to her apartment i freeze up

i hate this, eren. i hate not knowing whether i'm going to say something right or not. i hate feeling like i'm one wrong word away from my sister hating me forever. i don't

i don't want to lose her

even if she makes me too afraid to move i don't want her not in my life

The answer is: nothing’s stopping you, Lina. Nothing’s physically holding you back. Fear is something we’ll always have to hurdle if you want to get anywhere. I’m not saying that to make it sound easy, because I know it isn’t.

But between regretting that I never had the guts to speak to my sister and her hating me for that, and trying to talk to her and she still decides to hate me? I’d go with the latter. There’s no way I can look back and say “I didn’t try my best”, or “it was my fault”. I did my part.

i'm used to being afraid
dragons can give me panic attacks now
did you know that? that's fun. that's something i like about what's happening.

but this is different

how are you so brave, eren?
how are you actually strong?
how can i be like you?

[ holy shit has he asked the same exact words to someone else once and he doesn’t know exactly how to feel to be on the receiving end of this.

was he brave? and strong? or was he just immunized and . . . messed up? he’s sure people would call him that if they knew what was under his motivation. ]

I get up and keep going. No matter what.
But I don’t think you want to be like me.

[ only he knew how it was like to be like— this. the only reason why he wasn’t falling apart was because he was still clinging onto the idea that he has the gift to do what he has to do. ]

[no matter what. ha. sure. has he been talking to Clover where she can't?]

i barely know who i am most days anymore. i might as well try to be like someone i admire.

[trying to remember the other Lina. trying to forget Two even as she acts more and more like her. losing herself. losing the people who help define her.]

it's not like my list of options is getting longer.

[ we’re probably just as shattered in a bunch of different places, is what something deep inside him says.

but eren jaeger leaves it aside. ]

We’ll figure something out.
I’m not the same person I was and not a lot of people like that.

i love you no matter who you are.

[at least that's easy. it's always been easy for her to say it to other people.]

i don't have any other options but getting up and keeping going.
literally.
Clover's talked to you about being an intoner, right?

[ . . . that should feel comforting. it’s what he’d like to hear, right? then why does it feel like he’s still torn about himself?

maybe because he knew that he was strong enough to break that. it was mildly frightening. ]

I do too. No matter what I do.

[ he can at least be honest. ]

I know about the songs, and the summons. Down to the dragon weakness.

well.
i don't have all of those yet but i've taken a pretty big first step.

[she's. dribbling this information out to relevant people, whenever they need to hear it or whenever she can't hide it anymore. hard to tell which one this is right now.]

violet's the only human left, i guess.

I remember you being really strong.
Will she be?

maybe. i don't remember a lot about three.
i know she liked riddles.

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