002 - Octopus's Garden In the Shade

[thebeastwithout]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Today on the hot mess that is Retrospec, somebody's either fallen asleep on their keyboard or allowed their cat to play with the computer for too long, 'cause there's a solid string of this for about a minute straight.]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Garfield Logan added 3 new photos - in Huntington Avenue, Recollé
2 mins

[The first photo is a blurry image of Gar screaming, with only his head and upper chest visible. Something long and twisty is visible at the edge of the frame.

The second is a slightly less blurry image of a... realistic-looking octopus tentacle, for some reason.

The last is an image of Gar's bare chest underneath a ripped shirt, which no one ever really wanted to see, but we're all being traumatized today so just go with it. Everything looks normal up until the part where his shoulder attaches to the octopus tentacle in the previous picture.

It's kinda gross.]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Comments

[windeity]

aaaaaaaa is maybe kind of correct, dude.
what is even going on there?

[thebeastwithout]

if i knew i wouldn't be typing AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for five minutes!!

i told you bro! i told you it would be tentacles!! i probably jinxed myself or i have psychic octopus powers actually that wouldn't be as bad the OCTOPUS PART IS PRETTY BAD THOUGH

[windeity]

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE SERIOUS!!
wait is it still a tentacle? are you typing at me with a tentacle because that is actually kind of impressive.

[thebeastwithout]

I WASN't SERIOUS
it wasn't supposed to be serious!

i just

i dunno i kinda kept thinking about what kinda weird stuff would happen next and then it happened!!

and i have
two arms my dude
typing with the non-octopus one

[windeity]

oh. right, duh.
okay so maybe it's a weird mind over matter thing?
what about if you think really hard about not-weird stuff? maybe you will stop being part-fish like aqua-dude or whatever.

[thebeastwithout]

aquadude isn't part-fish he just has control over all sea life and also can shapeshift his legs into a dolphin tail

duh

[...]

i mean uhm it's kinda hard to concentrate on anything else right now!! what should i think about???

[windeity]

he can breathe underwater and stuff can't he? that makes him part fish and ALSO dolphins are kind of huge fish even though they are technical mammals. my point stands.
but i get it. um. think about something really really dumb or think about something like. usually when i am trying to phase back into being a solid person i think about video games. can't hold a controller if my hand doesn't exist.

[thebeastwithout]

OH CRAP
nO IF I NEVER FIX THSI I CAN NEVER PLAY VIDEO GAMES AGAIN

this is the worst possible thing!

i've gotta get rid of this! what if i cut it off?! if i cut it off i might like grow back a new arm right?!

[windeity]

MAN, THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE FROM THAT!
look just chill out and visualize your fingers and your thumb and DON'T CUT OFF YOUR ARM. i am not sure that would actually work.

[thebeastwithout]

i bet it would work i can get a knife
i can get a lot of knives
how many knives would it take

i'm visualizing my fingers and thumbs now but they've been chopped off and they're all bloody

[windeity]

zero? because that is seriously a stupid idea. what if you cut it off and then it turned back into a human arm but then it wouldn't grow back?
visualize NOT bloody digits.
or visualize trying to pick up chopsticks or something.
visualization doesn't always work sometimes you're stuck for a bit but please stay away from knives.

[thebeastwithout]

i can explain a missing arm a lot better than an octopus arm!
maybe i'll have super mutant healing powers too
i can just wait for those to come back!!!!

ok fine
i can't use chopsticks though
pick something better for me to think about

[windeity]

consider the part where you would have to tell people that you cut off your own arm. i would love to hear the explanation for that.
mutant healing would be cool but maybe don't risk that either.
ok, not chopsticks. what about a pen? that is also small and requires fingers. and soda cans.

[thebeastwithout]

no prob

i was attacked by a space alien with razor blade hands and i fought it off bravely with only a nerf gun and a pizza slicer

too bad i lost my arm but the mayor gave me an award for saving the city so it's all cool

i'm thinking about pens now.

...

pens aren't very interesting to think about

[windeity]

ok like. all of us would probably believe that, but what about everybody else? that might be a problem.
the mayor would probably give you an award though. he paid people to pick up rogue turkeys.
ok, try something else. favorite video game, what is it? since like. i never asked and now i am curious.

[And this seems to be a good distraction.]

[thebeastwithout]

haha are you kidding???
mega monkeys 4, course

it's a masterpiece of modern gaming! pretty much a work of art, move over mona lisa

it's the perfect blend of action and humor!! and the cutscenes are at like a jillion FPS!

i mean it's gonna be totally obsolete when mega monkeys 5 comes out in a few months but that's like art right

art is temporary
the only thing that's certain is life
and also your arm turning into a tentacle

[windeity]

that...is about the answer i was expecting to be honest.
not that i would say life is certain since you have a tentacle arm and i can dissolve my entire body when i feel like it, but i appreciate the notion.
do me a favor. try typing with your tentacle.

[thebeastwithout]

oops did i write life
i meant death
death is pretty certain
like the death of my social life and also my happiness and pretty much everything else currently in my life

and uh

why?

[windeity]

yeah about that...
actually you could probably spin this into something that would make you insanely popular. everybody likes things that are different.
and because. just try it.

[thebeastwithout]

ok chicks dig like
vampires and werewolves
buff vampires and werewolves
not sure where octopus people fit into this

i guess i can try

splorp

that's the sound effect it makes when it hits the keyboard btw

[after a few seconds, gar comes up with the following.]

iuf i traP ig rewal lite it weorkas ok

[windeity]

i don't know, some girls also like really strong arms and there is not much stronger than an octopus arm.
...ok yeah this is as hilarious as i thought.
but it kind of works.

[thebeastwithout]

wuoiw u juist weAanted tro be entertasiend

rude

i'm facing 60 years of life as a sewer monster haunting recolle from the septic tanks man don't take this so lightly

if you never hear from me again my will's in my sock drawer underneath the socks with t. rexes on them btw just pretend i'm dead it will be better that way

[windeity]

it will NOT be 60 years as a sewer monster.
octopi don't live in the sewer.
...dumb question. have you tried turning into another animal yet?
like thinking about that.

[thebeastwithout]

but if i live in the ocean i won't even be able to get around the city :(

you mean like
not human?
cause i've been thinking about being human
being human is pretty great
what else would i want to be

[windeity]

ok but the ocean is probably a lot cooler than the city? just saying.
and yes. like. if your arm turned into an octopus, what if it can turn into something else too? and that is why it won't go back to your normal arm?