retrospec | (no subject)

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Whoa...the post settings from the admin accounts are really different than the normal accounts.

I'm sure you're expecting Jo or Maury or one of the others but those are all people who are way smarter and way more qualified than me, and those people are working overtime to trace down a signal we keep picking up on. Not sure what it means yet, but I'm hoping for the best. We thought we were able to isolate the problem when the other regions appeared on the current layer but it's something deeper.

But hey, isn't that what we're all trying to do here? Hope for the best.

Call me curious, but what's your favorite color? I've been teaching myself color theory lately. Bonus points if you say "why", too.

Zee Carlisle
Hiring Manager
Retr

spec Incorporated

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Okay, I'm on my way. Hair's still wet but whatever.

[she shows up to the park with her idea of "food", which is more or less just a small bag of chips that she's gotten most of the way through by the time she runs into Lillian. she doesn't look great, but at least she's got clean clothes on and she's not (outwardly) grossly depressed.]

Yo. How've you been?

[so much for not talking.]

[Lillian was in jeans and a red t-shirt with a picture of a bright blue sun on the front, and she gave Anna a smile when the other woman approached.]

About the same as ever.

[She answered cheerfully, but she didn't echo the question back, instead she just half-turned, gesturing down one of the paths.]

I'm thinking that way at first?

[probably for the best. Anna had probably given off a pretty solid idea of how she'd been already, and the answer was still nowhere good. but better, at least right now, as she started walking down the path alongside her friend.]

So. Yeah. All of that shit. Nothin' compared to what actual people with real problems deal with, but.

[she shrugged. it wasn't like she'd never dealt with being dealt bad hands before.]

[Lillian honestly wasn't going to bring it up at all, content to just go for a walk with quiet company, but once Anna did, she looked over at her, eyes slightly narrowed.]

It's a real problem, Anna. Just because you can't show it to someone doesn't mean it isn't.

[A little shrug.]

[sorry, Lil, when she got down on herself she was pretty insufferable about it. she knew it was a problem. maybe she'd have picked up on it if she were looking her friend's way, but she was focused squarely on the ground.]

I know that. Like, I've known it for years. Lots of stuff is invisible but that doesn't make it any less real. [her head wasn't entirely up her own ass, after all.] But I see people with flowers growing out of their eyes and I start thinking that maybe I shouldn't be pissy about what I have going on.

[it'd always been shitty to play problem olympics with people, even if they didn't know they were playing. she knew that. that was part of what made this all so frustrating for her.]

[Lillian couldn't hide a moment of surprise at that comment.]

Flowers growing out of their eyes. I definitely missed that one.

[She shook her head.]

But just cause people have it worse, that doesn't make your troubles magically better. [She suddenly laughed.] Trust me, I'm an expert on always havin' the worst problem in the room, and that doesn't change other people's at all.

[having the worst problem in the room? huh. well, it probably wasn't polite to pry too much. and she wasn't in top conversational shape right now anyway.]

I know. I thought I was over this whole idea that my problems didn't matter as much as everyone else's, but there's a lot of shit happening lately. [and it never seemed to happen to her as much as others.]

I don't know. [her hands went into her pockets as she glanced over to Lillian.] It's a shitty mindset to be in, you know? I really thought I was done with this. I know a lot of people deal with a lot of shit that nobody ever even knows about. I told Clover I wasn't smart, but I didn't mean like this. God.

Yeah. I think everyone feels like that sometimes. That they don't really matter. [She reached up to pat the other girl lightly on the shoulder.]

You matter to me, at least.

[She offered what she hoped was a reassuring smile before dropping her hand back away.]

Who's clover?

[Anna took a moment to appreciate that. she wasn't quite as touch-starved anymore, but having any kind of affection, even if it was normal, platonic stuff like that, did a lot more to help her mood than she was comfortable saying out loud. she glanced at Lillian from the corner of her eye and reached out to return the touch, letting it linger for just a second longer before dropping it herself.]

Friend of mine who's going through a lot of shit. Lots of bad memories, lots of family problems. And one of her sisters just got the app last month, and I don't think anybody in that family wanted any more of them on here.

[she shook her head slightly, trying to imagine what Clover really was going through.]

All of 'em knew each other in their other lives, too. Hope that's an exception more than a rule.

Huh. That must be pretty intense. It's just me and my sister on the app from our family. Thank god. My parents on here...

[She just shook her head.]

That'd be nuts.

[Hm.]

Do you have much family? I ain't never asked, did I.

[ugh. she really didn't want to think about that on top of everything else right now. with her luck, her sister would turn out to be that girl from her memories.]

It's complicated. I don't have a family, but if you told my parents that, they'd be pretty pissed off.

[and good, to be honest. they deserved negativity. anger. hatred. but she wasn't in the mood to get all scowly and mean right now, so she at least kept that subdued with a thick veneer of disinterest.]

Things broke pretty bad with them when they found out I was gay and I didn't want to keep being some scholar of military history or whatever like they wanted their perfect daughter to be.

Pretty sure mine would say they don't have a daughter if I came up. [Lillian didn't sound all that upset about it, really.] And that was just for not going to military school. Can't imagine what they'd do if they found out I was bi!

[She just laughed, trying to picture it and failing.]

Gay, hmm? [Her expression turned teasing then.] Well, glad ain't been doing all this flirting for nothing then.

[at least that got a long-overdue grin out of Anna. it felt good knowing that other people had shitty parents, too, in a commiseratory kind of way and not a schadenfreude-y one. but the bigger reason for the grin was what she said about flirting.]

You sure as hell haven't. Can't promise anything will come of it, but at least it's fun, yeah? [she looked back out in front of them, trying to push other thoughts to the back of her head and focus on things that were maybe a little more pleasant.] Queer disasters, both of us. Most of my friends, now that I think of it. But I'm glad, you know? It'd be a shame for someone who looks like you to be out of the question for girls.

[maybe she wasn't so great at all of this, but she could talk about being gay no matter how depressed she got.]

Nothin' has to come out of it for it to be worth it, yeah. [Lillian grinned right back.] I'm more of a casual girl anyway, when it comes to stuff like that. Nothin' serious, just people havin' fun, you know?

[When you were dying, you learned to do as much living as you could.]

So if ya ever want somethin' to come out of it...

[She waggled her eyebrows jokingly.]

But yeah, lotta people I've talked to on the network are like that, though. Queer in one way or another, I mean. Maybe it's just more normal then we realize?

[Or retrospec just liked that type.]

But man, who could resist girls? Not when there's ones like you walkin' around anyway.

Oh my god?

[there was a lot to take in there, and despite herself, she chuckled at it. more and more people seemed to think she was actually put together enough to be worth doing something with, and a guiltier person would have felt bad for obviously deceiving everybody. Anna wasn't doing quite that badly right now.]

I'm not against it, don't get me wrong. I'd probably have to be in a better space for it, but, like, sure. I'll keep it on the table.

[she sounded sincere, at least, and some of the gravity seemed to leave her voice as she actually considered just having fun with somebody. without thinking about it too much, with both of them knowing what it was going in—fuck, no, she couldn't get down that path right now. bad mindspace. it'd just get depressing.]

It probably is, though. More normal than we thought. People are getting more comfortable with it lately and it's really nice. [most people. she pushed that out of her mind with a sigh that morphed into an open-mouthed smile.] Girls are... pretty fucking nice. I'm glad the one who taught me I could be gay turned out to be on the app.

[Lillian just burst into laughter at Anna's shock, covering her mouth with her hand a few seconds too late, her eyes sparkling as she just looked at the other woman.]

[Rather than add anything to her offer, she just gave her a little nudge with her shoulder and a grin as her hand dropped away, and let the conversation move on.]

It's mostly inevitable, really. Politics shift as younger people take over, and we're taking over now, and we don't even care about things like that, so...

[An absent shrug and then her smile turned teasing again.]

And who was this magical lady who showed you the joys of the fairer sex, hmm?

[younger people. right. why did she have so many younger friends? why were people cool with hanging out with someone in her mid-20s? sure, they were all part of the same generation, but she was just gonna be someone's mistake at this point.]

[jesus, brain, chill out.]

Rose Geteilt. [she hadn't said Rose's full name in a while, but she smiled as each syllable came out.] Met her in college when I first moved here, and we dated for a bit. It was a real nasty breakup, I got really fucked up over it, but it got better. We started talking again, I got to know her sisters, and now we're coworkers down at Club Sunshine.

[and Anna's head tilted down again.] She's getting a real shitty draw from the app. I'm just glad I still get to see her. You know?

[It was because she was hot, clearly.]

[The way Anna said the other woman's name made Lillian smile in return. That kind of immediate reaction was rare in people, she'd seen, and it usually meant something good.]

Sounds rough. [She said once Anna was done.] But with a happy ending, at least. I've had a few messy breakups too, though I don't think I would smile the way you do when I thought about them.

[A little chuckle.]

...Wait. You were somewhere called Club Sunshine?

Things change. You asked me a year ago, you'd've been lucky to get anything when I talked about her.

[but she cared a lot more about Rose now that she knew the kinds of things they were both dealing with. now that they were talking way more regularly. she'd do a lot for her, now that she had the ability.]

But I mean, yeah, we work down at the host club together now. [things did change, but this was more recent than most.] We're both hosts. You know it?

Change for the better, it seems.

[She gave the other girl another little friendly shoulder nudge at that.]

...Nope. Don't even know what a host club is, really.

[ha. yeah, sure. she was a lot better off now that she didn't have one constant specter of regret hovering over her, and for a bunch of other reasons, even with everything else about the app that was bothering her. she nudged Lillian back.]

People pay actual, real world money to come to a place and have a conversation with us. We get them to buy food and drinks so the club makes money, and they get whatever they're looking for. Practice, companionship, whatever. [she was getting better at describing it, but the whole thing did still seem a little silly.]

No touching. Boss is really clear about that. He'll throw people out of they get handsy.

[Lillian wasn't sure she could understand that, but she'd never had issues finding people to talk to, so it probably was something she couldn't really understand. She knew there were a lot of lonely people out there...]

Huh. [A thoughtful beat.] And here you are, talking to me for free. I feel so honored.

[She smiled slyly.]

Yeah, well, you caught me on a good day. I start running low on cash again, I might have to charge by the word like writers used to do. Extra for heartfelt emotional conversation.

[she grinned right back, glad that Lillian was like this and could give her something else to focus on. she was distracted enough from the painful and encroaching reality that she even let herself make a longer joke!]

And before you ask, no, you don't get a discount for being a cute girl. Tried asking my boss about that and he shot me down. Said I'd run his business into the ground if he let me do something like that.

[Lillian laughed.]

I ain't gotta pay for conversation, you know. Lots of people like talkin' to me. And I'm getting their best service for free right now, so, hey...

Win win.

Damn right lots of people like talking to you. You're fun to talk to.

[she kept Anna's mind off other things. that was all she needed right now.]

Thanks for giving me a reason to get some part of my shit together today, by the way. Now that I'm, like, not stuck in my own head about it.