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Welcome back, users. Looks like we were able to bring you back online and tracked again...here's hoping the layers are settled now, but the readings are off the chart. We're doing our best to stabilize the city for December while we track some of the magical sources we're picking up. It may take us some time though, so please bear with us!

We may be working through the holidays, too, if this keeps up. But it's okay. You opened the doors and new routes for us to check.

Stay positive, users. December is a special time of the year. What's your favorite holiday tradition? You'd be surprised how thoughts shape things here.

Please take care.

Joanne Wiseman
Technician 2nd class
Retr

spec Incorporated

Characters' display names are the same as whatever they chose last month and are permanently locked in! Newbies may pick a new name for their first use on Retrospec, but whatever they pick will also become permanent.

Please feel free to use this post as a network mingle. Every toplevel can be considered a new post, and threadjacking is permitted. No NPC response will be given.

As a friendly reminder, you may also claim one of this month's freebie by submitting a thread from this mod post. This thread must be 10 comments from you and submitted before AC closes.

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It used... to not be so bad. I had someone to go through it with...

[ Emotional as she was, nothing was filtering her words. She didn't even think about what she was saying. It just... spilled out. ]

I'm trying... so hard to be what she wanted me to be.

I know. I'm - [ the "sorry" dies on her tongue. Jen empathized with May on this, but if she had to be honest with herself. she was... tired. tired of apologizing for what happened to Yin; as if she had any control over it. as if the question of who got to continue to exist in this reality was somehow actually given to her and it was at all up to her on who got to "live" and who "died".

as if Jen was somehow to blame for choosing to live in that scenario.

she swallowed the lump in her throat, but a bitter taste remained. ] I don't think she was that good for you.

[ There was a lengthy silence that followed. Not even sniffling echoed in the room. It was just completely dead quiet, and slowly, May's grip began to loosen even more. ]

... I'm gonna let you explain yourself. [ Even her tone had changed. There was something... icy about it. The anxiety and despair was still there, but... something else had left. Those words had an implied edge to them. That Jen had better have a good explanation for having said what she just did. ]

[ yeah. Jen didn't think that would go over well at all, but it's a talk they needed to have if their friendship was going to ever stop feeling like it was stuck in the mud, only ever moving forward and back slightly before sinking back to an ugly medium. at least as far as she perceived it.

after drawing her hands free, Jen rose to her feet, paced over to the wall of lockers and put her right hand to the face of one. ]

With things being quieter, I've had more time to think about everything that happened months ago. Putting together the bits and pieces of Yin's life. Like, who she knew, how she acted, what was going through her head when she did or said things, and I -

[ she turned back to May, frowning. disappointed. ] I don't see how you could depend on her. She was self-destructive. If she wasn't under the influence of something, she was just so tired, angry. Bitter. She felt like the world went out of its way to rob her of life at every turn, and she was just marching on to spite it — No. She was moving toward her own self-destruction.

You saw it, too, right? Please tell me you did. [ at this point, Jen sounds desperate. that the opinion has to be validated for the sake of them being able to see eye-to-eye. like she doesn't want to be the bearer of bad news but there's no other person who could possibly carry this task. ]

[ Another bout of silence, though this time May managed to sniffle back, rubbing at her face with the towel that had been on her face. Once that was clear, she rolled her wrists together, standing up slowly...

And immediately pushing herself against Jen, her forearm against the other woman's chest and the other pinning that hand to the locker it was on. In her eyes was... not anger, at all. It was pain. Tremendous, crippling pain. ]

And you don't think I wanted to march with her?! I was abandoned! I was homeless! I was shit on the bottom of life's boot! She and I had every goddamn right to be tired, angry, and bitter.

We understood that about each other. We held each other in the lowest points of our lives and kept ourselves sane. What you call self-destruction was...

It was just that. It wasn't ever gonna get better for us... at least we weren't alone...

I loved her, Jen. And now she's gone. And you sit there, with her face and tell me she wasn't good for me? You wanna just go ahead and shoot me in the heart?

[ Jen didn't resist. not her mechanical hand being immobilized or the pressure against her chest. of course May would be hurt. that doesn't mean that Jen was wrong. ]

It's my face, too, May. My face.

[ Yin never showed this kind of weakness. not since she finished up her time at the hospital. not since she saw the way that her family looked at her whenever she looked so hurt and alone. she couldn't stand to show it. couldn't bear to be the source of anyone's pity. the transformation was immediate.

this isn't Yin's face because Yin wouldn't be pleading with May right now. she would have lashed back with all her strength; her eyes glowing red and voice aflame. ]

You're not at that low point in your life anymore. You're doing so much better. I mean - just look at where we are right now. You're doing what you love, aren't you? People know your name. They cheer for you, they look up to you. I look up to you. I always have.

[ The tears welled up again, but she didn't release Jen. Her voice cracked as she spoke. ]

You look up to Satsuki! You look up to a girl who merged with my life! I was a homeless, jobless street rat, Jen! That's who May Sfondi is! The only reason I have a job right now, a legacy of any kind, is because Retrospec slammed me and Satsuki Hojo together to create a new person. I didn't do shit to earn this! And I had to pay the price of losing the person who mattered more to me than anything else in this God forsaken hell planet!

[ Her shoulders shook, and her grip started to loosen. ]

What good is any of it if I'm alone again? [ The words were barely there, squeaked out through a voice that could hardly hold itself together. ]

Edited 2018-12-17 02:42 (UTC)

You're wrong! You're so wrong. [ she fought to keep from shouting, so that people wouldn't get nosy and barge in, trying to interrupt or separate them. Jen held her gaze down to May as much as it hurt to watch and hear the other woman suffering through. they were both suffering, in their own ways. ]

I look up to you because you had a choice. Your lives were blended together, but you chose to stick with this. You could have given it all up, gone back to the same habits as when you were with Yin. But you know what it would have gotten you, right? You had to have realized that and then made an honest-to-God effort to maintain this.

I'm sorry, May. [ Jen delivered it in a resigned, exhausted tone. ] I'm truly sorry, if you didn't leave room in your heart for anyone else but her.

[ May couldn't... really argue with that. Because she honestly didn't know why she'd stuck with it. None of her current life felt earned, but she hadn't run away from it, either, to continue being a bum living in a ship in the harbor, picking pockets to pay for groceries. She hadn't gone back to that... and part of it was because... ]

Yin woulda given me all the shit in the world... if I'd turned any of this down, even if I hadn't earned it...

But it's so hard to keep it up without her here to share it with. She was the only person... who ever loved me for who I was...

[ all this talk of Yin and love made Jen wince. the Yin she knew didn't have the capacity to love anyone. she couldn't even love herself. she was committed to having as much fun as she could before she met her (likely untimely) end and that was the proverbial basket she put all her emotional energy in to. anything that wasn't aggression or lust.

but May doesn't need to hear that now. she may come to realize it on her own.

Jen released the lock for her arm and with a loud click popped it free from its socket. May could hold on to that hand for as long as she wanted to, and push back, but damn it, Jen was going to lean forward and draw her up into a hug despite the awkward positioning. ] I know you can do it. I know how strong you are. That's from what I've seen with my own two eyes and not just something I'm saying because of anything in the past.

This ... life. This is your life now, and this is mine. That may not be all we ever have but it's all we have right now.

[ The arm clattered to the floor, dropped, and... well she could apologize for it later, because at that moment, she wanted to hug Jen right back, with all the strength she was known for, openly sobbing into the other woman's shoulder.

She hadn't really resolved anything. She still felt alone and confused, jealous and selfish, but she couldn't process any of it. All that came out was just... despair and pain. But Jen was there, she was warm, and saying such positive things. She was trying so hard to get through to her, and...

May wasn't going to take it for granted. Jen deserved that much. ]

I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry...

[ meh, the arm can survive it, just like they would, too. Jen held May as tightly as she could with one-and-a-half arms. yes, this hurt, and it would probably continue to hurt, but they'd have to leave it behind eventually. Jen can't say it's okay, or that she's also sorry. not without reverting back to the same bad habit and keeping all her feelings repressed. she saw how badly that turned out for Yin. she won't make that girl's mistakes again.

so... she stayed like this. silently supportive, and doing her best not to break down. ]

[ It took her a few moments to gather herself to the point she could speak again, but eventually she did loosen her grip, just slightly, wiping at her face. ]

So... can I come to your mom's wedding?

[ Jen relaxed too, and reached up to wipe at her own eyes. she was just barely able to hold back for once. ] She said I could invite as many friends as I wanted.

Heh. If they haven't picked out a venue yet, I could maybe talk her into renting you and the Mayship out for the event. It would probably be the most extra lesbian wedding in history. [ just imagining that put a soft smile back on her face. ]

Heh... yeah, maybe...

[ May sniffled, letting out a few frustrated sounds before giving a small nod. Ugh. She was a mess. ]

Look, I've... got a lot of shit I gotta work through. But I am making a promise to you here and now that I'm gonna support you and be with you no matter what. I'm in your corner.

I won't doubt that. [ not after this, at least. she's said what she had to say, and if May hadn't disowned her on the spot, she had confidence they'd make it through anything else that came along this time. ] And you should know I'm always here to support you, too. In my own way.

Well, you've got a lot to support.

I used to say corny shit like "I'll always be strong enough to carry us both" but right about now... I think I'm the one that needs to be carried.

Conveniently, I've cleared up the big problems I had at home, so... I think I can take whatever you throw on me. [ figuratively and literally. she jerked her thumb to the side. ]

Are you going back out there? I don't want anyone giving you grief for getting all that off your chest, but I know how people can be. [ it'll be hard to hide how May looks after all that, too. ]

[ May sniffled again, rubbing her face before flashing that trademark grin. ]

Nah. One of the benefits of being a legit badass is no one tries to fuck with you. But we also all respect each other here and understand we all got our shit we deal with outside the ring.

Heh. Alright, if you're sure. [ she bends down to pick up her arm, and then reattaches it. ]

Still, if you want to cut out and grab a bite to eat or something, I have no plans tonight. [ now with both hands at the ready, she can put them up in a defensive posture. ] Unless you want some space. I totally understand that, too.

Some space... some time... But I'll be alright.

Sounds good to me. [ she gives May a pat on the shoulder. ]

I'm going to head out. I'll send you the details once I know more about the when-and-where of the wedding, okay?

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