retrospec | LOADING...

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Welcome back, users. Looks like we were able to bring you back online and tracked again...here's hoping the layers are settled now, but the readings are off the chart. We're doing our best to stabilize the city for December while we track some of the magical sources we're picking up. It may take us some time though, so please bear with us!

We may be working through the holidays, too, if this keeps up. But it's okay. You opened the doors and new routes for us to check.

Stay positive, users. December is a special time of the year. What's your favorite holiday tradition? You'd be surprised how thoughts shape things here.

Please take care.

Joanne Wiseman
Technician 2nd class
Retr

spec Incorporated

Characters' display names are the same as whatever they chose last month and are permanently locked in! Newbies may pick a new name for their first use on Retrospec, but whatever they pick will also become permanent.

Please feel free to use this post as a network mingle. Every toplevel can be considered a new post, and threadjacking is permitted. No NPC response will be given.

As a friendly reminder, you may also claim one of this month's freebie by submitting a thread from this mod post. This thread must be 10 comments from you and submitted before AC closes.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ oh. of course. she could have pieced that together herself, but she was hoping it wasn't the case. they had moved past that, hadn't they? found some peace with the situation. with each other. it takes her several minutes to compose the reply. ]

I wish she had confided in me sooner. I couldn't have seen this coming. No one could.

I don't know how different things would be if I knew sooner. Like, if I bonded with her strongly over this maybe I would have stayed home in Seattle and never even gotten this close to everyone here in the first place. My life could be completely different. So could yours.

no i get it i just

look i dont want it to sound like im upset at u. im more upset at like

circumstance i guess

like i said its complicated.

Sorry. I assumed you were saying it was complicated for me.
Which it still is.
I just didn't think this would be such a big deal now after what we talked about.

look its

its fine, ok? aint no use wastin time on being upset about shit i didnt even know. that u didnt know. or how it might have changed things for any of us.

at least im gonna keep tellin myself it is till i start believin it.

I don't know what to say to that.
I'm sorry.

man u aint gotta be sorry this is completely my hang up

i guess i just wasnt as over things as i thought. i should be the one apologizing

I'm apologizing because I didn't even consider your feelings when I found this out.
I was just thinking about how happy my mom was. How relieved I was.
I mean I didn't even text you right when it happened, you had to find out like this.
That's on me.

i mean

i guess im not sure im really worth all that consideration, all my hang ups aside. its ur mom, ur life, not mine.

You're not wrong on that last part.
But you're still my friend.
And I don't like my friends talking as if they're not special to me.

crist jen makn me cry cant evn typ goddamm

In a good way, I hope?

Where are you right now?

idk?

the tears i mean im at the rcw gym

Then just hang on a minute.

[ thanks to the Legion Ring, Jen can easily drop what she's doing and drop in on May at the gym in just a couple of minutes. literally, dropping in at the front door from the sky and walking in like it's a perfectly normal way to get around.

so much for using the ring just for emergencies. this did kind of count, though. ]

May? Where are you?

[ By this point, the staff recognized Jen, at least, and she wasn't given any hassle on entering the building. One of the other wrestlers directed Jen to the locker room, where one could actually... kind of hear May sobbing. ]

"She's a bit of a mess at the moment. Is she gonna be okay?" [ the wrestler asks, a slight British accent in his tone. ]

[ Jen weaves her way in through everyone else, trading casual but curt greetings along her path. she's got a mission here, after all. ]

Yeah, don't worry. I'll take care of it. [ which is a statement that falls flat of confidence as soon as she can hear the echos through the door. Jen hurriedly pushes her way in and navigates the aisles until she can find her friend. ]

Oh, god. [ at the sight of her, Jen approaches more cautiously. that's her fault, isn't it? should she really be here? ] Hey. [ "hey"?? she helps herself to a seat right by May, her body all tense. ] I'm here, May.

[ for all the good it may do them. ]

[ The other wrestlers respected May enough to clear the locker room the moment Jen arrived, giving them plenty of privacy, at least.

May sniffled, looking up at Jen with puffy eyes. ]

I don't... even know why I'm crying. I should be happy for you. I'm such a stupid, selfish bitch...

You can be... all of the above? I mean. You can't help how you feel. [ Jen was at least prepared enough to deliver that statement with certainty. she knows the same applies to her, after all. ] It doesn't make you selfish. Or a bad person.

[ she reached up to put her hand on May's shoulder. ] It makes you honest. Same as you've always been. [ as far as Jen could speak from memory. ]

Selfish... jealous... confused, lonely, sick and tired...

[ May reached to rest her hand on Jen's, giving it an almost shockingly weak squeeze given what May was capable of. ]

I hate... that I only seem to find the worst parts of myself lately.

[ Jen turns her hand over and takes May's gently in both of hers. ]

The world's been hard on you for a long, long time. [ that's not to excuse her behavior. or how she turned out. but at the same time, Jen can't blame her for any bitterness or resentment for dashed expectations. ]

It used... to not be so bad. I had someone to go through it with...

[ Emotional as she was, nothing was filtering her words. She didn't even think about what she was saying. It just... spilled out. ]

I'm trying... so hard to be what she wanted me to be.

I know. I'm - [ the "sorry" dies on her tongue. Jen empathized with May on this, but if she had to be honest with herself. she was... tired. tired of apologizing for what happened to Yin; as if she had any control over it. as if the question of who got to continue to exist in this reality was somehow actually given to her and it was at all up to her on who got to "live" and who "died".

as if Jen was somehow to blame for choosing to live in that scenario.

she swallowed the lump in her throat, but a bitter taste remained. ] I don't think she was that good for you.

[ There was a lengthy silence that followed. Not even sniffling echoed in the room. It was just completely dead quiet, and slowly, May's grip began to loosen even more. ]

... I'm gonna let you explain yourself. [ Even her tone had changed. There was something... icy about it. The anxiety and despair was still there, but... something else had left. Those words had an implied edge to them. That Jen had better have a good explanation for having said what she just did. ]

[ yeah. Jen didn't think that would go over well at all, but it's a talk they needed to have if their friendship was going to ever stop feeling like it was stuck in the mud, only ever moving forward and back slightly before sinking back to an ugly medium. at least as far as she perceived it.

after drawing her hands free, Jen rose to her feet, paced over to the wall of lockers and put her right hand to the face of one. ]

With things being quieter, I've had more time to think about everything that happened months ago. Putting together the bits and pieces of Yin's life. Like, who she knew, how she acted, what was going through her head when she did or said things, and I -

[ she turned back to May, frowning. disappointed. ] I don't see how you could depend on her. She was self-destructive. If she wasn't under the influence of something, she was just so tired, angry. Bitter. She felt like the world went out of its way to rob her of life at every turn, and she was just marching on to spite it — No. She was moving toward her own self-destruction.

You saw it, too, right? Please tell me you did. [ at this point, Jen sounds desperate. that the opinion has to be validated for the sake of them being able to see eye-to-eye. like she doesn't want to be the bearer of bad news but there's no other person who could possibly carry this task. ]

[ Another bout of silence, though this time May managed to sniffle back, rubbing at her face with the towel that had been on her face. Once that was clear, she rolled her wrists together, standing up slowly...

And immediately pushing herself against Jen, her forearm against the other woman's chest and the other pinning that hand to the locker it was on. In her eyes was... not anger, at all. It was pain. Tremendous, crippling pain. ]

And you don't think I wanted to march with her?! I was abandoned! I was homeless! I was shit on the bottom of life's boot! She and I had every goddamn right to be tired, angry, and bitter.

We understood that about each other. We held each other in the lowest points of our lives and kept ourselves sane. What you call self-destruction was...

It was just that. It wasn't ever gonna get better for us... at least we weren't alone...

I loved her, Jen. And now she's gone. And you sit there, with her face and tell me she wasn't good for me? You wanna just go ahead and shoot me in the heart?

[ Jen didn't resist. not her mechanical hand being immobilized or the pressure against her chest. of course May would be hurt. that doesn't mean that Jen was wrong. ]

It's my face, too, May. My face.

[ Yin never showed this kind of weakness. not since she finished up her time at the hospital. not since she saw the way that her family looked at her whenever she looked so hurt and alone. she couldn't stand to show it. couldn't bear to be the source of anyone's pity. the transformation was immediate.

this isn't Yin's face because Yin wouldn't be pleading with May right now. she would have lashed back with all her strength; her eyes glowing red and voice aflame. ]

You're not at that low point in your life anymore. You're doing so much better. I mean - just look at where we are right now. You're doing what you love, aren't you? People know your name. They cheer for you, they look up to you. I look up to you. I always have.

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